Burnt Toast

2010-03-03T03:56:00.000-08:00

I told Steven he doesn't make enough effort to see me, he promised he would and so far has made time to see me Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday. On Sunday we watched a Beautiful Mind and he made me cry by making a cutting remark which hit a nerve because my Mam always says it. Then yesterday (Tues) I gave him a blowjob and a handjob after we settled down with fish and chips. I slept over and he's went out twice already, once to walk the dog, then out with his Dad going down shields to buy a game. Pretty bored now, but going home v. soon thank god. Got to walk Molly but he wants to see me again as well, he's one extreme to the other. xxx

2010-02-27T03:33:00.000-08:00

Steven came round yesterday (Friday), he was supposed to be going out with his friends but he didn't have enough money. He was 40 minutes late and wanted me to make his tea straight away. We went downstairs to see what was in when he started asking how much money I had in my bank account. I usually lie about this but he found my recent bank statement which said I had £3285 so he kept on going on and on about how he wanted a takeaway. I didn't mind as I wanted one too, it came to £8.40 which was a bit pricey, he said he'd pay £3 towards it but whether he does we'll see as he already owes me £52 from the holiday he still hasn't paid. It was nice though as he drove to the beach and we ate the curry in the car talking and listening to music. We then came home and played on the Wii with my brother and went upstairs later to chill out. I plucked all Steven's eyebrows for him because they were like huge bushes which he whined at like a little girl, and expected me to give him a hand job for?! But other than the few sex comments he didn't pursue it any further and fell asleep. I wanted him to sleep over but he said he was busy the next day and he later sent me a text saying sorry for falling asleep on me. xxxxx

2010-02-23T11:27:00.000-08:00

So I'm going to start blogging mine and Stevens sex life. Noone knows who I am on this blog so I don't have to worry about being judged and its a good way to get things off my chest. I came round Stevens at 8pm to sleep over, we watched Sexy Beast (was okay) and then Steven had had only 4 hours of sleep so we hit the hay at 12pm. When we woke up the idea was to have a work day, but I had a driving lesson and we just messed around the whole time. He wasn't being wayy too much like he usually is and I actually really felt in the mood for sex. He was really turned on so we had to stop a few times to avoid him coming but then we both had a good orgasm :).

2010-02-18T15:14:00.000-08:00

Wow so I'm not going to go through any of my past blogs for fear of how crazy cat ladyish I probably sound :'). The thing is, I never update this blog unless I'm going through some sort of episode and need to get my feelings out. Noone is reading this so why update on my day when I'll never look through it again? But writing out how I'm feeling allows me to feel chilled so it doesn't matter if I never look at it again. If that makes sense?

It's nearly 12 and I'm tidying my room. I'm starting to not want to go to uni again and have started skiving, so I'm trying to get my life sorted this weekend. Even having plans such as driving is stressing me out :/. I'm supposed to be going to the pub with my boyfriend to chat with his mates, but I can't help think.... I wont have fun and I'll actually be paying to not have fun as my boyfriend doesn't buy my drinks anymore. That's very superficial but that is what I'm honestly thinking. Uni is going better, especially my Eng class as I feel more like I'm fitting in with it all a bit now. Steven wants me to go to Northumbria open day with me (which he did for me last year) but the thought of going around on the open day will be totally shitty. I guess I should do it for him as he did it for me, but can't help but think I'm so uber busy with work that I should be spending it actually doing something worthwhile. I don't know :/. Being organised is the only way I seem to be able to function, so I guess I'll just work on that.
Ciao for now xxxx

I hate you so much right now.............

2009-11-22T13:23:00.000-08:00

Surprisingly Katie made an effort to have a night clubbing with me yesterday. I didn't know whether I wanted to come as I haven't exactly been friends with her for a long time as she's so unreliable but I'm really glad that I did now. She still talks ALOT about herself, but I realised that I missed her alot. More than anything she gave me the closure I have needed for a long time that it wasn't me she had the problem with, but that she was too wrapped up in her boyfriend. She admitted that she didn't have many friends left which I kind of guessed she couldn't be bothered to see anybody before. We had a really long chat (me her and jo), mostly centering around her and how shes kind of seeing this guy and despite sleeping with him twice nothing more has happened. After we sat and chilled in Beach bar where she promised she was going to make a big effort with me which was really nice to hear. We went into Glitterball after where we had a really good dance; it was super busy but there was loads of choice in music and I felt better than I had in a long time :). I bumped into the waitress who works at a restaurant I aleways visit as it's so cheap which just tells you how much I must go there :'). I also seen a girl from my old dancing class off years ago and Jonny's brother who we danced with for a while which was really great as I usually see nobody that I know.

Steven, bless his cotton socks, picked us up at 2am and I secretly wanted Katie and Jo to give him money for the petrol but he was such a gentleman he wouldn't take anything. I was really tired and happy to be cuddled into bed with him. He woke me up wanting sex and it has been a while but I really wasn't in the mood (something to do with drinking a jug of cocktails the night before....?) but I still did. I had a very lazy morning and he dropped me at mine, we had a cup of tea and then he parted ways. I decided to try to make a work on my essay which has been giving me panic atttacks all week and sorted out the structure. Also, I uploaded a video for youtube which I'm slowly losing hopes with, some mofo keeps on rating my vids 1 star the moment I put them on (maybe one of my 14 subs?) so I went on my other account and specifically rated them 5 stars so it would equal out at 3 so people who stumble across my chanel will at least give it the time of day. I actually think my looks are fine and I should have the same amount of subs as others, but hopefully in time.

My dad who is overweight and eats so quickly it looks as if he's in pain was drinking juice in my ear which was so gross. Everyone in the family secretly slags off how he shovels his food in behind his back; I had about 5 chips to go before I was finished my tea when he began his and he was scraping up before me. Anyways I give him a look like 'ew' for drinking in my ear so gross and he said he would punch me in the face if he were in a restaurant. Um like, wtf how over reacting can you be? He started saying that I was a total immature bitch proper screaming at me and of course everyone else in the family just totally ignored that he was clearly being out of order despite that I always defend them. He's such a dick that I had such a compulsive need to just smack him straight in the back of his head, but of course I just went upstairs eventually. To finish off a fab night I had the shits (oh yes I did just go there hhahaha) and I was going to vent at Steven but instead I wrote to him '<3 you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx' and vented out my anger here, then arranged a party to make me feel better.

2009-11-10T03:36:00.000-08:00

I seriouslllly need to sort out my life. Sorry I've been totally neglecting this blog, if anybody is actually reading it, which I doubt :'). I guess that I can write as freely as I want though if I think that nobody is reading and also it helps to calm me down a bit.

Urgh I swear to god I just need a total life overhall. I have so much going for me but at the same time I alway feel like I'm running to keep up with what everybody else seems to find so easy. Maybe I'm still finding my feet in the world, I don't know. Since I moved to Uni there seems to be an endless array of essays that I'm having to do all last minute because I'm constantly behind with another. It's like I always feel on edge as an essay just seems to spring out of nowhere. I seriosuly need to organise. Speaking of, my room is a total shitty mess which is absoultely no fault but my own, so I'm delibertely inviting a group of friends to my house on the 17th of December so it's at least nice and tidy for Xmas as it's the only way I will actually ever tidy it. I usually face the wall when I'm on the laptop to avoid looking at the mess, so I think it seriously needs to be done :').

Also, my parents aren't getting on very well because my Dad never shows any affection to my Mam and they don't have sex anymore. She just can't understand why, and expects me to question him about why he doesn't love her anymore. My Mam really only sees her driving instructor, one friend who's husband has just died, Dad's side of the family (hers live away) and the people who she works for. So obviosuly she can't be going on about her own situation to someone who's in the grieving process, it's unprofessional to talk about it to her instructor or people she works for and she can't exactly slag off her own husband to his family. So by default that leaves me for her to vent every single problem over. I don't want to be harsh and tell her not to unload all her problems on me, but I feel these are problems too big for me to know the answer to. She's so negative as well, there's always a reason for why she can't take steps towards a solution; I suggest maybe it's an actual physical problem, but she dismisses it. Marriage conselling? Not interested. She seems to think beauty and making an effort with yourself equals attraction and that's it, but you could be the most attractive person in the world and this could happen to anybody. It really annoys me that Dad refuses to talk about problems point blank, and just ends up saying spiteful things to avoid answering her. I feel it's mostly Dad's fault as he refuses to talk like a normal human being so that means she has to talk to me instead. She's literally tried everything but he explodes at her other nothing. I really feel like he has depression but male pride will make sure he doesn't do anything about it until he ends up with nothing. Not that I'm saying she is totally free of blame either; she's way too needy, relies on him for everything and she is constantly complainging. On the other hand, Dad shows more affection for the dog than he does for her, so what does he expect? Her to be dancing up and down like everything is great and dandy? I wish things were all happy, but life is just not like that unfortunately.

My friends have also been a problem area lately... Ashley is in a mood as I don't have as much time to see her. I had to cancel twice on her about 2 months back because last minute work came up which I totally coudln't help, and I did arrange to see her another time, but it's as if she is still holding it against me. For her birthday she was typically ignorant and walked off all over the place as if she didn't give a shit if I was there or not, so as this has happened a few times now I finally made the decision to not bother going on clubbing nights out with her anymore. Now that she keeps on asking me to them I have to constantly make excuses which I guess she is probably picking up on, but I know with Ashley she will never let it lie again if I told her the truth. Her full attitude is also the whole 'can't do this', 'can't do that'. She got accepted to a great university down south but she is so reliant on her family she wouldn't move and gave up the chance. When I invited her to my get together and said I'd provide pizza and drink, you think I'd just told her that I was planning to take a poo on her bed. She was actually scared to come down my house as I have a cat and dog, even though I live in the loft so if Molly my overweight (bless her) dog which is at least 12 years old can get up those stairs, I will personally my my shoes. I know that's harsh but I just feel like negative attitudes really bring me down. She's been totally funny with me lately anyway and I'm not that assed if she comes or not, so I don't know why she's acting like the queen or something. I think she's getting a bit big for her boots thinking she owns our group since we always go out together not and because Jo is currently bumming her. I think the best thing is to have a break from facebook to avoid the constant needy instant messages where she tries to force me into going out with her everytime I'm online. Also she is totally crazy about boys and gets obsessive with them after meeting them for 30mins so alongside her neediness I have to also put up with her 'feel sorry for me' pleas too.

Jo is being really annoying lately too - she has bad self confidence anyway, but since she's started dieting she says she's became aware of how big she's gotten. Every night out is her constantly feeling shit about herself and comparing herself to every person in the room which must be horrible for her, but doing this is a recipe for disaster as you're just going to feel terrible about yourself.
^^ God I just wrote tons there and it just cut it all off and crashes. Sorry I cba to write it all up again so bullet point time :)
* It's hard to lose weight, you can't just change your diet/excersise as I know from bitter experience.
* Rebecca is a fruit loop and I shouldn't expect her to change just because I have alot lately.
Ciao!! :D

He's just not that into you

2009-11-06T13:38:00.000-08:00

Word of advice: When people tell you about their problems they actually rarely want your advice.

For example, my friend Ashley who is currently single meets some guy in a club, knows him for about 30mins, swaps numbers and comes out disappointed when he ends up messing her around. "He was so genuinely lovely" she says about a guy she met in a taxi que, "We talked for hours" she says dreamily, only to find out that she is talking about facebook which is hardly the most effective way to find out someones intentions. There was the guy she met on a night out, and after he finally arranged to meet up with her (after cancelling tons of times previously which should have been an indicator), he talked to her for 5 mins and claimed he'd left his mobile upstairs... And then never came back. Now it's a guy she talked to in the que, who mentioned offhandedly that he had bad connection, and so this has excused a message she sent to him asking if he wanted to go on a date (even though he's been online), instant messages where he randomly disappears and then total phasing out. But she just can't let it go, there has to be an explanation and it can't be written off, she needs to know. There was a guy with a girlfriend who'd cheated numerous times but she still thought he'd be a good catch. Finally she settled for a guy who was a friend that she had no sexual attraction to, and wondered why it didn't work out.

If only she played it cool and didn't over analyse everything then it wouldn't be so painful when she gets repreatedly disappointed by people that normal girls would not waste an extra breath on. Of course you're going to get disappointed when a guy on a night out is not interested, but you barely know him so by taking it one step at a time it's not going to be as bad. The friend-turned boyfriend- turn frenemy is supposed living proof that no man will work out for her. I don't believe that's true. I really think you need to know a guy first before you jump into a relationship and invest your emotions, but that means dates and time with a guy you fancy, not converting a friendship into something it can never be.

So, if you're scratching your head wondering how relationships never seem to work out, hunni you may need a wakeup call.
Love<3
Em

Katie: My Beautiful Face

2009-11-03T03:38:00.000-08:00

http://www.channel4.com/programmes/katie-my-beautiful-face

Above is a link to one of the most moving and inspirational stories I have EVER heard. Katie - a ridiculously beautiful glamour model and hopeful presenter had her life changed forever when her short term boyfriend subjected her to a brutal sexual attack and then hired a hitman to pour sulphuric acid in her face.

What upset me was Katie's negativity towards her face. Yes, her skin was scarred but she actually still looked beautiful because her facial structure and proportions were the same as ever. She still made a massive effort with her hair (which was gorgeous), she had a lush figure any girl would be jealous of and she was amazing at putting together an outfit. She's not only physically attractive but her personality was a total winner and the biggest reason she has ranked it into my top inspirational people of all time. She was funny, lighthearted, open and honest, and she was also very deep and thoughtful. After watching her show I just wanted to be like her (but not in a creepy stalker kind of way). I totally recommend watching her :)

"The truth about Blair and Elle"

2009-10-29T08:27:00.001-07:00

So if any of you guys are into watching makeup 'gurus' on youtube you might have came across Blair (juicystar07) and Elle (allthatglitters21). Basically there's been a lot of fuss kicked up because they've swore that they use their real names and don't get paid to make videos. There's tons of evidence that they lie (for example, Blairs' myspace user name was Elizabeth_789, and in a newspaper article published both of their real names were used), yet they're still denying it.

I'm all for protecting your name and think it's quite cute they chose names based on their fave tv shows and films (Blair -gossip girl, Elle - Legally blonde). BUT to be fair if you only say your first name the chances are unless it's ridiculously obscure it would be near impossible to find the right 'Elizabeth' or 'Lisa' you were looking for, so I don't really see the point. It's only really a problem if you mention your last name too. What annoyed me is saying they don't get paid for videos when they're both partners on youtube so yes they'll def be getting paid. Also, they suspiciously seem to give amazing reviews for products which all the gurus seem to "buy" at the same time in every colour and shape. Obviously these are getting sent to be reviewed so whats the point in lying? You may as well review them but be honest about it too so people can make up their own minds. I still really like them though but sometimes I don't know whether I trust their opinions on products because you don't know whether they're just saying it to keep the freebies.

What do you guys think?
Love <3

Happy as Larry

2009-10-19T16:38:00.000-07:00

Ugh I just feel so ill and run down. Jimmy (my reoccuring spot on my chin which tells me to kill people) has now got at least 5 cronies. Ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh.

THINGS STRESSING ME :

(Sorry to start with the bad, but if I list the good things last I will remember them more ;) heh)

* My shitty ass friends. I'm not perfect AT ALL. Nuh-uh. BUT I do not be in a huff for somebody for weeks with no explanation, then leave them snipey comments, but snap out of it one day and act like nothing ever happened. I don't leave them waiting holding my birthday present for 35 minutes and do not even say sorry. I dont keep on walking off in nightclubs because I don't really care if they're there or not, and exchange about 5 words with them all night. I don't cancel on them and become unreachable. I don't have a go at friends because I'm feeling down about myself.

If this was all the same person I'd shit them out like a bad takeaway. Unfortunately this is talking about 4 different people, and I'm not going to even deny I'd rather have shoddy friends than no friends.

* Uni. Firstly, which mofo invented "study groups". For those who have not experienced this delight, the class is split into groups and we are expected to meet up in our own time. Expect nobody to return emails/texts/ or to bother turning up. Basically just pertend you are that poo that wont flush down, it's just THERE to remind you.

* Driving: that's it, I'm going automatic.

* Editing videos: They wont publish on my computer and they crash up on my laptop. Lose/lose. :(

* Parents arguing about sex issues. Yet again.

______________________________

THINGS TO BE HAPPY ABOUT:

* My room is finally tidy! I have space!!!! Yayy

* I love Steven :) he's one of the best things in my life right now.

* I have a very supporting and caring family.

* I have maintained my weight at 9st 2

* I'm starting to at least settle into Uni

* I'm improving at driving, and I at least have the money to learn to drive.

* I dont believe Mam and Dad would ever split up. If they did the little child in me would be very apparent :(

____________________________
CONSTRUCTIVE WAYS TO GET IT SORTED:
* Have a week with no contact from said shoddy friends, before I do anything rash.
* Do not go out for nights out with those who are only interested in replicating sex on the dance floor.
* From now on if a friend is being funny, just swallow it up and dont worry. It's her problem not mine.
* Arrange a study group, if nobody turns up, fuck them. Just write the notes privately.
* Start making vids 71/2 mins long, or change to a photo blog.
* Talk to both parents and try fix things a little.

LOVElove<3

Things can only get better

2009-10-08T13:38:00.000-07:00

Sorry I've been a really bad blogger recently and haven't updated for ages! Everything has just been so hectic recently it's been hard to get the essentials done nevermind anything else. First of all my shitty job at Momos is finally over since he hasn't given me anymore shifts. To be honest he was a moody shit so really I'm glad that I don't have to see him again. Also I've just started Uni and I feel so lost.... This might be the best Uni in the region but I feel so out of place and like I'm just going from one lecture to the next completely clueless. It's my first year and I'm already clueless!! This is when it's easy and you can take the piss which means it will inevitably only get worse :'(.

I've also just moved rooms to the larger room upstairs which has taken alot of work but it's alot better for the size so I'm happy at least about that :). Things have been bad with the boyfriend again: I'm really worried for him. He's going through a really bad time and I don't think he's fully over his Mam's death. Also he's been arguing with his brother and Dad alot so those two things together are really messing him up. Even little things like missing the bus, and my Youtube vids messing up after spending hours editing them are really getting me down. I want to run and hide into the little envelope of A levels again....

I've had two driving lessons which has just added to my overall general feeling of stress. I nearly crashed the car twice haha :').

Things can only get better?

New job

2009-09-20T12:40:00.000-07:00

Hiya guys :) so I started my new job last Saturday so heres the lowdown:
On the first day I was supposed to be trained by my friend and another worker but they were too busy so I pretty much learnt nothing haha. Anyhoo he still put me in by myself on my next shift on Tuesday omg and I got two orders wrong so he was going totally off it at me. I felt really upset so I think he picked up on it and made me a pizza. The day after I was in again on Wednesday and he actually brought in his wife to have a meal and "spy" on me. At first I thought "Oh she probably just eats in here all the time" but she actually came up after and said he'd literally told her to come in and look at me. She then stayed behind telling me what to do which made me feel super shit even though I'm guessing she gave me a good review as he kept on telling her to just chill out and go home which I don't think he would have done otherwise. Finally I was in with Kemi on Friday with no mistakes and I felt confident and was getting good tips. I was supposed to be getting paid a week behind but as I wasn't in on Saturday I'm supposed to get paid on the Friday, but at the last minute he asked me to come in.

I rushed around all day shopping for my boyfriend when he rang an hour beforehand to say I wasn't "needed" anymore so to just come in on Wednesday. I'm totally going to have to be like ummm no I need paying. I think he's trying to get out of it because he kept on saying it was a 'trial run' but at the end of the day I worked just as much as anybody so I really feel I should be paid. Arrggghgh can't be assed to update anymore. Cus later !

Falling at the last hurdle

2009-09-10T06:50:00.000-07:00

Aaaah I'm incapable of keeping weight off for long :(. Feel really fat and shitty about myself again, but if I've lost weight once I can lose it again so I'll just have to stop eating my weight in cake which might help a bit ;). Every outing with my friends revolves around food and/or drinking, but I think I'm going to start asking if they want to come out during the day instead maybe for beach outings and whatever so I can be torn away from temptation.

Yesterday it was my friends leaving do as she's going away to Uni in Sheffield, but some of her other friends were there and it was a little awkward. At least I put in an appearance though which is the main thing. I've finally sorted University as well which is making the holidays alot less stressful although I'm quite worried about Steven's birthday and forking out money :(. I also can't afford my bus pass yet so I'm having to get the really expensive day tickets urgh. On the bright side I have a trial run for a restaurant on Saturday so I will let you know how it goes :).

I've gotta feeling.......

2009-09-06T04:20:00.000-07:00

Don't worry this isn't a photo of my secret identity finally unfolding :p. Just some of the competition when I was FORCED to enter a pole dancing competition - I shit you not. So me and five of my friends went out for some pizza and a drink afterwards. It was only supposed to be a little sociable drink but Liz got rejected from our usual pub as she only has an identity card. The music was shitty in the next pub so we (and by that I mean me after a few glasses of wine hahahaha) thought it would be a good idea to go to a club close by for a bit of a dance. They were hosting a pole dancing competition later on and the guy running it was trying to influence us to join in. Jo got out of it by cheekily saying it was her day off and he left us alone for the time being. All seemed well........

It started getting super packed as everybody waited to see the competition. The dancing wasn't anything amazing; just normal dancing a bit more dirty, with the prop of a pole now and again. I don't know if I've ever mentioned in my blogging Liz's elaborate OTT sexual dancing which has been many a cringe for us, but this was the perfect competition for her. She decided she'd have a practice run in the break to see if she fancied entering but wanted our moral support so we got up just dancing normally (firmly in the sidelines). Anyway Liz made up some shitty excuse about the pole being sweaty but really I think she just lost her balls :p. The competition was starting again so we went off stage to let room for the entrants. All of a sudden, half way off the stage the host off before grabbed my hand and would not let go. Everyone in the whole club had crowded round this stage by this time and were all cheering me on. Oh shit. I looked for an escape root, but my bag was in the middle of the massive crowd so I'd have to walk straight into all the jeering and boos before I could get the fuck out.

Before I knew it, it was too late. Too late to run, too late to pretend I was too pissed from alcohol etc. I had two options, RUN BITCH RUN.... Or give it the best shot I had and hoped that noone would remember the next day. I got the worst song ever (I've got a feeling by Black Eyed Peas, how can you dance sexily to that shit?) but I thought "everyone will remember me if I make a big deal of not doing it but noone will remember otherwise". So I went for it full on. I felt awkward a little but tried my best to hide it.. And won! I made it to the finals but nothing would ever possess me to do that again. Everyone cheered me on and were saying how great I looked etc which chilled me alot as I can totally tell when they're lying about this shit and that was my biggest worry. I think they were shocked I actually did it but at the same time were impressed I had the balls. Lots of other girls give it a go and were quite good but I think the host had a little something for me haha. In a way I'm glad I entered as that has to rank as one of my most embarrassing moments so I'm hoping other things will slide into minuscule proportion!

1

2009-08-30T15:09:00.001-07:00

Ugh I just feel so disgusting at the moment. As you guys know I've been dieting and have got my weight down to 9st2 but I'm just eating like such a pig I'm bound to put weight on soon again.

The day started out really well; I had a tin of sweetcorn (200 cals) and then for tea I had 2 slices of eggy bread (500 cals), then took my dog for a walk to make sure I was burning a bit of fat. Then, I had some disgusting binge and ate a bowl of rice pudding, pineapple and custard. Fuck it. I helped myself to two toasted bacon cheese sandwiches. I'm such a failure and I feel so gross. The tiny little thought to just throw it up crossed my mind but I can't stand the idea. I'm hoping to death that I can survive a fast tomorrow which I've never done.

Wish me luck

A2 results

2009-08-28T17:33:00.000-07:00

Hiya guys :). I got my A/2 results the other week and got 2 Bs :) and a C. I was hoping to do better than that but I just missed out on As in both History and English by a few marks. I still got into Newcastle Uni so not really a point in resitting. Since I got into my first choice I get a £1500 scholarship as well yayyy :). I feel nervous a bit but I know I'll be fine after a few weeks.

At the moment I've been making a youtube channel to do makeup on. I'm having a bit of a problem setting up my camera at the moment but hopefully it'll be up and running by tomorrow! I've just became so interested in makeup recently. I've always loved it but especially lately I've been so much more aware of trends, fashions and the types of different products available. I've officially been dragged in ;).

Inevitably there has been drama in the meantime since I last updated. Sean (who dumped his girlfriend of a year and a half for my friend Ashley) is now back with Natalie. Ashley is going off it despite that they've only been on one proper date and only kissed. Shes being really harsh to Natalie saying she's a fat monster he's only taking pity on which is very harsh as it's not really Natalie's fault... She's literally telling everyone who'll listen and writing it all over facebook about how Natalie should watch her back as she'll cheat and how pathetic Sean is. I do feel bad for Ashley as she got all her hopes up and Sean has been a total love rat, but I feel like most of the anger should be directed at him more than anything... Hopefully it'll blow over.

That's it for now kids :)
<3

Autumn/Winter Fashion 2009, Nails and Makeup

2009-08-20T12:27:00.000-07:00

Whats in this fall? Here's the low down on whats 'in' at the top end sector of the fashion industry.....enjoy!

NAILS

The colours of the AW collections are dominated by greys, blood reds, purples and warm browns. These are all ultra glossy but contain no glitter for a darker look this season. Reds and purples are particularly popular and are available in a range of brands for every budget.

Revlon, shade name - vixen. £6.16

Revlon, shade name - one perfect coral £6.16

Nails inc, shade name victoria charm polish £15

Essie, shade name over the top £8.33

HAIR
Hair will be styled this A/W loosely pinned back from the head in a half do with loose curls as seen in Chanel. Click 'play' on this video to view how to interpret this into a wearable look:

FASHION

The clothes of this season follow similar tones to the 'in' nail varnishs with reds, rust, oranges and grey blues all stealing the show. Golds and silvers feature on dark fabrics like plum black and have sheer cut out sections with embellishment that catches the light setting the tone for partying.

Sorry for the smallness of this pic - it wont let me save off the website! Topshop 'armour dress' £200

Love Em <3

Murder on the dance floor

2009-08-20T11:08:00.000-07:00

Sugared cuttle fish - yum yum! Or not. Last nights murder mystery party consisted of:: Lots of alcohol, chinese food, fortune cookies, laughter, unflattering photos, chatter, drunken talking and dancing. Good times!

It was my A levels results today; I needed 2Bs and a C to get into my first uni. I opened up my history results and some of my modules hadn't even been included! So I'd only gotten BCC overall and been accepted into my insurance. I was fuming! It turned out I should have at least got a B as well in history, so now I need to wait to get it all sorted with my right grades whilst I hang onto a thread to get into my first uni choice! Arrgghhh.

Unlucky in lurrrve

2009-08-18T04:13:00.000-07:00

Urgh I went out on a night out last night and ended up having a greasy pizza, so I'm going to try make up for it today by having about 400cals. I really don't want to go back up in weight; I felt so shitty when I was larger. If anything I have at least half a stone to go but I wont be drinking for a while so hopefully I'll still keep losing.

Last night was really good although a bit dead for the Monday. Jo and me met my other two friends Ashley and Liz at the train station and we headed up to Sinners to take advantage of the £2 deal doubles they had on. I had the most assholish guy ever who kept on asking for my student ID even though he was serving everyone else students without one :@. Ashley was really nervous as she liked Sean the last time we went out but they were both in relationships, but this time round Ashley was single and Sean pretty much cheats on his girlfriend anyway with prostitutes. (Yep Ashley knows this but somehow this is not phasing her :/). He wouldn't even look at her when he first came in as he needed 'dutch courage' to approach her so I was hassled with the 'oh what should I do' on both sides for the night. Heh, I probably encouraged it because I'm more loyal to Ashley than the other girls feelings and they're relationship in dead in the water. Personally, I wouldn't have touched Sean with a barge pole keeping in mind his prostitution past and I certainly wouldn't have bothered if he had a girlfriend unless he straight out said he would leave her. I spent alot of the night talking to Jonny, my boyfriends friend as he's so hilarious. He was doing the most ridiculous dancing ever in the club, getting complete filthy looks from nearly every guy in there - I was pissing myself ;'). He was a bit drunk and kept on making me kiss him haha. The taxi cost £32 back (robbing bastards!) but it was my last night out for a while so I thought I may as well go all out.

I'll be avoiding facebook for the time being so I don't have to deal with the shit hitting the fan. I feel like this is only going to end in tears; Natalie's if Sean really does dump her, or Ashley if he doesn't. Also they will just be the general constant need to talk about it, she was bad enough when they met and didn't do anything, so god knows what they'll be like now. I'm trolleyed this morning, Steven was annoying me by calling me names which was supposed to be funny, so I was glad to just get out of there and chill at my own place. It's Jo's murder mystery tomorrow wooot so I'm looking forward to that :)
<3

Car booty

2009-08-16T12:02:00.000-07:00

Guess how much I weigh today?!

........ 9st 2! Oh yes. I know some of you reading this would be like 'Love, that's a fat day for me', but considering I've weighed 9st 8 for the past year I'm super super chuffed :). Hopefully I'll get down into the 8st region so I can honestly say 'yep I'm 8st something', even if this something will be 8st 13 ;) hehe.

So anyway, I went shopping today at the car boot sale. I <3>

And also this dress for £1.50

Great bargains! ;)

Lately I've been thinking about all the friendships that have gotten a bit sour, mainly with Kat and Becca. I'll talk about that later though because it's 11pm and I'm so tired atm!

To speak or not to speak?

2009-08-14T15:25:00.001-07:00

Ok guys, I'm not at 9st 3.4 so I'm at least not gaining at the moment! I hope that it stays off as I've been ill for the past week and had lost my appetite anyway. I'm hoping that it'll start hitting the higher ends of 8st with a bit of perseverance. I'd be totally ecstatic!

Anyway, I was watching episodes of 'The City' tonight. I love Whitney Port (the main person the cameras follow) and her full attitude to life. She just doesn't let those who are being snippy at her see they're affecting her, and rather than bite back she just swallows it up and lets them make a show of themselves to the public. Obviously we as viewers see the way that these other people have treat her and by not retaliating no bad shit rubs off on her, and we are left just judging those horrible people in the first place. For example, Olivia (somebody who works alongside Whitney in her job in fashion) took the credit for an outfit that Whitney had personally put together. Olivia got tons of credit for this whilst Whitney kept quiet to avoid creating waves at work, but obviously she never got away with this as the camera tells the truth.

But does this approach work in real life? After all, if somebody is taking us for a ride there's no public outcry and filming which says otherwise for us. That person is left to go on with the 'upper hand' of getting what they wanted whilst the person who didn't bite back gets trampled on. Sometimes I think "I'll say nothing and be the bigger person rather than cause drama", but the other side says "Why should I let *whoever* get away with this?!" What experiences do you gus share on this issue? What are you opinions?

Expensive vs. cheap nail varnishes

2009-08-14T14:38:00.000-07:00

Hiya guys, so this post is my review on whether their really is a difference in quality from the cheap to the expensive nail varnishes. I bought 6 nail varnishs off 'Nails inc' a reputable nail varnish and compared them with Collection 2000 nail and Primark nail varnishes.

Nails inc.
Cost: At 10.50 a bottle these are at the higher price range for nail varnishes.
Bottle: Normal to every other nail varnish I've purchased. They were exact to the cheaper brands such as Collection 2000 in terms of the brush and the bottle.
Colours: Beautiful colours that only need one coat to get a deep intense colour. Really pretty! BUT they chipped really really easily which was a bit frustrating.
Overall rating: 7/10. Really cute colours but overpriced and chipped just as easily as cheaper brands. On the other hand only need one coat - so maybe cost effective in the long run?

Collection 2000
Cost: £1.99 a bottle. Fairly cheap.
Bottle: Opened up easily and brush was perfect.
Colours: Cute colours, needed a few coats to get a nice finish. The colours are not as beautifully finished as Nails inc. but you could probably find something very similar.
Overall rating: 6/10. As long as you find a colour you like, you wont be disappointed. There is so many to choose from you're bound to find the 'in' autumn colours in the right shade for you.

Primark
Cost: 6 for £3 in a set. Great value!
Bottle: The brush wasn't the same length all the way through so it had to be cut before I used it. Not the best quality.
Colours: The colours were probably the most sustainable to chipping but as with the Collection 2000's needed more than one coat. Really limited in colour choices.
Overall rating: 5/10. Colours were quite limited, and it was annoying to have to trim them all before I could even use them. Despite this, they lasted a long time once they were on.

Generally, I believe it doesn't really make a difference what brand you go for. Nails inc. are beautiful colours but you can get really nice colours anyway for a 1/5 of the price. Also they might only take one coat, but they chip over everything! So really I'd say they were as sustainable as the cheaper brands.

What are your opinions?
<3

Spoil Sports

2009-08-08T13:30:00.000-07:00

It was my friend Jo's birthday on the 6th - so I got all revved up to go and help her make a night of it. Amongst the girlies were yours truly, Jo the birthday girl, Crazy Rebecca B, Hardcore drinker Roz and Whiney-Bex.

I knew we'd go places that I wasn't really into; a pirate bar which had no recognizable cocktails and a rock bar where I was bitten four times were amongst these, but I had a laugh and made sure that everybody was feeling the party vibe. More than anything, I knew Jo had worried about pleasing everyone so I wanted to make sure she was having a good time.

Eventually after a few more bars we decided to go to a club, Liquid. We agreed to pay the £3 entry fee, Roz having to pay in Bex for some unknown reason. The music was pumping, so we headed to the floor. Everyone was getting into the groove.

Other than Bex. She just stood there limp for literally two songs before she went to the toilets. Roz went in after her and told us that Bex 'hated' it, but keeping in mind we had spent two hours in shit holes for Bex I couldn't help but feel annoyed as she'd barely given it six minutes. So Roz feeling guilty and responsible had to leave with Bex to go back to a scummy pub. I made a big effort to make sure Jo was having a good time and we had a right laugh, just the three of us, but I could tell that it was niggling on Jo and she felt a bit shit about it.

We were really enjoying ourselves but at two, an hour and half since we'd been in the club, Bex rang to say they couldn't get back in as it allowing people through the doors at 2am. Bex would have definiately went home ages ago but as Jo was paying for the full taxi I knew she'd stay to the bitter end - and huff about it along the way. So we had to leave which was really annoying as all three of us wanted to stay out, but we couldn't just leave them outside.

Outiside, Jo, Roz and myself decided to end the night with some dirty junk food but Bex complained we wouldn't be able to eat it in the taxi, clearly expecting that since she wanted to get home that everyone else should jump for her. We sat inside, trying to cheer up Bex who you would have thought had just been told a loved one had just died or something.

When we finished she even went in a huff because we explained you couldn't just jump in the taxi line in front of people just because you needed the larger taxis and that you had to wait in the que. Next, keeping in mind Jo was paying for everybodys taxi she asked if it would be ok to drop us off at a place in between all our houses rather than drop us off straight outside our doors. We all agreed - other than Bex of course, as she had to walk for 20 mins (just like Becca and Roz who didn't complain).

I remembered when it was Bex's birthday and she had brought her own car as she wasn't drinking. Jo had lost the people she was supposed to be getting a taxi back with and couldn't afford it on her own, so Jo asked for a lift off Bex (they live about 5 mins away from eachother) and Bex went completely off it. Jo even said she would walk from Bex's but Bex made such a massive issue out of it as if Jo had just asked for her one working kidney or something. Bex is notorious for never giving lifts even when she has the space and it would be at no extra cost as we'd walk from hers so if she's that spiteful more than anything she should expect the same back.

I just couldn't believe the cheek of Bex. Even if it wasn't her scene she could have made the effort to enjoy Liquid and compromise. She could have been less snotty about the taxi or offered to pay the difference considering how harsh she is with her own lifts. Am I being unreasonable? Do you guys think that she was in the right? Let me know :)

Shakiras a she wolf?!

2009-08-05T14:31:00.000-07:00

Ok I get that Shakira is kind of known for her sexiness, but how over the top is this video?! Maybe it's to distract from the painful wolf noises that occur half way through.......

Boredom Busters

2009-08-05T13:40:00.001-07:00

What do you guys do in the holidays to keep yourself busy?

Now that Summer School is out of the way, I just feel like I have literally nothing to occupy myself with. I've seen tons of my friends, and so much of my boyfriend that I'm sure his Dad is wondering whether he should ask for me board. I've been exercising everyday (and as a result now weigh 9st 4.6 instead of 9st 8, yayyy) and even went as far as to do my nails like this:

I was impressed with myself! I tried to take a photo but my camera is being really lame and incapable of picking up the detail :(. I took Molly, my doggy, out for a good 3 hours and took her swimming until the heat became a bit too much for both of us. I talked to all my family, applied for jobs, and then....
And then what? I have no idea what the hell to do with myself after I've done all these things. I don't want to suffocate friends or my boyfriend. I remember a month or so ago I was crumbling under the stress of my massive list of things to do and couldn't wait for a holiday. Now I honestly don't know what to do with myself, especially after I finish my my marathon series 2 of Heroes. Any suggestions?

Facebook account Burnt Toast

2009-08-03T06:04:00.001-07:00

Hiya everybody :). I've set up a facebook account if anyone is interested; http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#/profile.php?id=100000131230835&ref=profile

Love <3

Stuck in a rut

2009-08-02T15:29:00.000-07:00

Weight is an issue which has been affecting me alot lately. No matter how hard I try I'm failing on a daily basis in my attempt to shed some poundage and it's becoming to annoying. I've managed to keep to the excersise, but as soon as it gets to about 6pm all my "stick to 1200 calories" promises crash and I can't resist temptation. I feel so frustrated and annoyed; it's as simple as just not eating extra but I feel so hungry all the time and have constant cravings.

This might be down to my food choices, I keep thinking "Oh these chips, 144 calories for ten chips that's fine" but of course that wont fill me up and I end up giving up and going for the bulk. I feel totally out of my depth, sickened by my expanding belly and general inability to stay controlled. I feel like throwing up right now I'm getting so fed up, but I know that's a slippy slope to how I was before. I don't want to obsess about my weight like I did, but I'm getting more and more desperate for something that will work for me. I used to run a very successful (and still going strong even though I haven't used it for years) weight loss forum which was aimed at girls like myself who were at a healthy weight, but just wanted to be that little bit skinnier. I know that's just one click away, just to kick myself off again. I also know I'll become obsessive and start taking it to extremes, easily influenced. Argh. I'm swamped by images of girls so thin and seem to be constantly eating out, they make it look so easy.

It doesn't help that everytime I opt for a healthy option I get screamed at by my Mam for costing the household money. For example, I ate my meal downstairs for a change (I usually eat in my room for this very reason) and I had used a handful of brown rice, half a pepper and half a tin of tuna. Keeping in mind, noone in my house likes brown rice and the pepper was ready to throw out as it was nearly rotted through. I was really excited as the whole meal was low in calories and super healthy but my Mam immediately started staring me out. I hate it when people stare when I'm eating and my Mam is fully aware of the problems I have with self image and my unhealthy starving in the past, but she seems to thrive on manipulating it. She especially loves that I've put on so much weight so she can make jibes. Straight off, she started ranting at me about how I eat everything and my Dad had wanted to say something since I kept on eating all the eggs (they're 80 cals so I love them), and how I should contribute and pay for my own food, etc etc, on and on until I just couldn't help but cry and left my food nearly untouched. I stayed in my room all day where my Mam shouted through I was being a total baby and couldn't control myself. I didn't eat for the rest of the day scared Mam would start commenting again. She's been away for the weekend with my Dad so since then in an almost rebellious way I've been eating whatever. Fuck it, she's not here to watch and mock me.

I have such an unsteady relationship with food. When I try to think back, I guess it's a mixture of shyness as a child which turned to criticising myself as I got bullied and then turning this on my eating habits as I started to get criticised for that. My Mam used to make me sit at the table and force me to eat whatever she had made, not letting me leave until I ate it all. If I didn't, I stayed at the table for hours crying until I was eventually allowed to go which was the most often option. I hated the dishes she made, I loathe pasta but her meals were always spag bol or past and mince so I didn't want to force myself to eat something I really didn't like.

"I don't understand why you can't just have a sandwich like everyone else, instead of eating us out of house and home. Your so selfish, we've wanted to say something for weeks. Your so greedy. Why don't you pay for it?" is the general argument spat at me in the most accusing and disgusted voice ever, especially recently. I would love to turn round and punch her straight in her obnoxious face in an imaginary world. Hmmm maybe I don't want to eat a sandwich because we only have white bread, which is unhealthy and that I hate the taste of and 127 calories a slice (!), we only have red meat or cheese which are both high cal and generally sandwiches don't actually fill me. I feel so hurt she uses food against me.

I don't know how to control anything from my relationships with people to food. I'm so annoyed that she's uses my insecurities so grossly and making me totally swing out of control with my weight. I have no idea where to go from here.

Spice up your life!

2009-08-01T13:23:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the Spice Girls lyrics for the title hehe. It's hard to stop myself sometimes ;).

Anyhoo, to spice up my blog I'm starting a new section that you can see on the left hand side of my blog called 'Challenge me'. You can literally ask me anything or challenge me to do anything, and I'll email you back a link to a new blog with the experience. Please drop me by an email - dont be shy! My emails e_burnt.toast@yahoo.com . Even if you just want to leave a comment or a suggestion you can use that email. Basically I just want to hear from you guys! If you give me a rather large challenge I'll add it to my challenge list on this link here:

http://www.my50.com/yourlistro.php?list=3b7a7e29d019f5bd

If you're feeling really brave, let me know if you fancy starting a 'Challenge me' or 'Ask me anything' blogging section.
Love <>

Would you like a cup of tea, love?

2009-07-31T05:28:00.000-07:00

When I write down blogs I try and be as frank as I would be talking to my best friends, and talk about the same stuff that would crop up. Sometimes this might offend people and I'm really not trying to do that, it's just that I think it's nice to have complete honesty. Alot of blogs that I read (and really enjoy) only include a certain part of their life, for example their feelings/fashion outfits/make up reviews etc which is great as you know what you're getting, but I'm always left wondering hmmmm I wonder how they feel about this subject or that.

It's for posts like this that I'm choosing to stay anonymous....... Today I'm going to talk about anal sex. Now this really is not my cup of tea. When I'm in the mood for a bit of sexy time I don't think "go on then love put it in my bum". At the same time I like to try and keep an open mind in every aspect of my life (which is why I'm attending a party which takes place as a soft play area for my friends 19th birthday, and why the next day we're going out in Sunderland under the 'Snog/Marry/Avoid' theme.... cringe haha). So yes I agree to try it. Once. Something to tell the grandkids, eh? Or not.

Well let me tell you, I was influenced into doing it by lovely Steven who is attempting to rationalise the illogical (to me it seemed anyway) and he finally managed to talk me into it. I can only say that it's like if someone inside your digestive system decided you were going to shit out some crisps alongside your normal number, that's what it would have felt like.

Case over.

..................................................................................................

On another note, I'm on day two of Nicky Hambleton-Jones 'Ten Years Younger' plan, so today I get to treat myself to a magazine in return for excercise, and write a list about my likes about myself and fives things I want to change.

Five things I like
* Good skin
* Manageable hair
* My lips
* Body shape
* Determination

Five things I could improve
* Confidence with new people and situations
* Ablility to stick to healthy eating and excercise
* Body confidence
* Not being intimidated
* Being tidier

Burnt Toast on the 120 Pro-palette!

2009-07-28T12:23:00.000-07:00

I've had the pro-palette since before christmas now so I thought I'd do a proper review on it :).

Cost: 7/10. You can pick these up off Ebay for £10 inc p+p. Search around using key words until you get a good deal and remember to check user ratings. I personally paid £15 but that's when everyone was after these bad boys. Alot cheaper than other brands and good quality.

Packaging: 9/10. Mine arrived in perfect condition after about a 3 week wait as it arrived from Hong Kong. I've heard of a few people who have had perhaps one or two of the colours a bit broken but this is to be expected in the post and I'd say is unlikely if they're packaged correctly.

Colour range: 7/10. The colours are varying and very beautiful on. They're very high intensity; I would not recommend most of the colours for day use as you would look a bit like a drag queen, but they're fab for a night out! I use the burgandy, whites, browns and creams for everyday use, and use the other colours for a night out. They're perfect for the party scene more than anything and look amazing to make your eyes really stand out.

Durability: 6/10. They last a long time, but if you start rubbing your eyes then it will end up smudged down your face - so keep those mitts away and they should stay put for the whole day or night!

Mark out of 10 overall: 8/10. Perhaps more natural colours could have been put in, but the overall cost and amazing range of colours for partying greatly outweighs this setback!

Love <3

SPECIAL OFFER FOR NAILS INC!

2009-07-27T08:03:00.000-07:00

Because I love everyone who reads my blog so much (especially my subscribers that have supported me from the beginning - thanks so much!), I'm going to share a special offer with you. I'm sure you've heard of Nails inc, it has lovely but very expensive nail varnishes that are at least £10.50 and £2.99 per one sent to you. How would you like them for....

£1!

Yep, £1 inc. p+p. Just click here. Pick whatever colour you want and enter this code: FABNA0709

This will let you have it for just a £1! It's one per household so you can get them sent to everyone's house you know if you want more than one colour ;). This was in my magazine which I bought at the weekend, and it's only valid until Tuesday so get typing before they sell out completely!

I've ordered one to my house, my boyfriends, my Nana's and I'm going to use my friends address too. So I'll be saving like £45 - how great?

Loves <3>

Making the most of your appearance: Skin

2009-07-26T10:13:00.000-07:00

Skin is the largest organ your body has and clear skin is one of the most important attributes that allow us to be considered attractive, so keep these basics in mind.

Face MasksYou should treat your skin to a face mask every week for your skin type.
Your skin will be one of these types - it's important that you do use the right products as they can have the opposite effect to what you hoped for if they are wrong for your skin type.

Dry Skin
Skin feels tight and dryNo oily t-zoneSkin shows signs of photoageing- wrinklesSkin may feel flaky or roughSkin tends to be thin and appears dull

Normal/Dry Skin
Cheeks are dry and skin sometimes feels tightMinimal oily t-zone, usually on nose onlySkin gets dehydratedSmall blackheads are visible on nose & chin

Normal/Oily Skin
Cheeks may be oily or dryT-zone gets oily by the end of the daySkin is dehydrated with some dead skin build upSmall blackheads in t-zoneOccasional breakouts

Oily Skin
Cheeks or face are oily with open poresT-zone gets oily within hours after cleansingBumps under the surface of the skin with dead skin build upVisible blackheadsFrequent breakoutsSkin tends to be thicker

Acne/Problem Skin
Face is oily soon after cleansing Could be a mature skin that was once oilyVisible blackheads, whiteheads and open poresThere may be inflammatory lesions and scarringProblems may also occur on the neck, back or chest Skin may get red

Sensitive
Has trouble with environmental factorsSkin reacts to sun, temperature extremes, cosmetics, perfumes etcMay experience rashes, burning sensations and be easily irritatedHas permanent diffused redness particularly on nose, chin & cheeksSkin tends to be thin and may scar easilyShows signs of ageingCan be congested

Moisture

Keep your full body in great condition by using an exfoliator and moisturising afterwards to keep moisture locked in. Remember to cleanse your skin on your face every night too by carefully removing all traces of make up, then applying a toner and finally a night time moisturiser to wake up with great skin on your face and body.

Sun kissed

Bronzer is great for the summer to give a fresh dewy look. Make sure to not go over board and only apply it to the parts of the face that would catch the sun; the bridge of the nose, the forehead, chin and cheeks.

Fake it

Darkened skin by the sun looks very glamorous and flattering, making you appear slimmer. Using sun beds is not only unhealthy but makes your skin look like leather. 80% of wrinkles are caused by UV rays, so exposing yourself will cause alot of damage. The answer? Fake tan.

Ask around for what works for other peoples skin tones closest to yours to avoid purchasing a streaky tan. Many swear by Johnsons, but even the light one leaves streaks on me. My Mam who has a darker skin tone than me loves Nivea, it just depends! Set time, maybe once a week (unless you're using a gradual tanner) to fully moisturise then apply a tan.

Making the most of your appearance: Grooming

2009-07-26T03:55:00.000-07:00

Hair might be natural, but we've been conditioned to expect a certain level or self preservation from society.

We all have days where we can't be bothered for the pain of eyebrow waxing and plucking, we think our legs are in jeans so what's the point of shaving, or our armpits won't be on show so we'll leave them for a few days. So, so tempting. What you wont realise is that your jeans rise as you sit or cross your legs, your top might move slightly to reveal that armpit - and in one go you've just shown everyone a flash of your ungroomed bits. Noone wants to see straggly hair and it screams 'I can't be bothered to make an effort!' so don't give it the chance to rear it's head.

Eyebrows

Eyebrows help to give structure and to frame your face. Go to a professional and ask them to wax them into a suitable shape, then upkeep them at a home with some good quality tweezers which will work out alot cheaper in the long run.

Armpits and legs

Wax or shave these - shaving is easiest and cheapest, but waxing last alot longer and gives a nicer finish. Remember to moisturise afterwards! I personally choose to shave, but my sister waxes and it really does last for weeks, unlike the effect with shaving.

The bikini line

The same theory as getting knocked down by the bus - you never know what might happen and who with. Imagine the shame of a sexual encounter where you get to your knickers and realise your hair is making a bid for escape around your crotch. Whatever you prefer, from all off to au natural - make sure that your pubes are at least trimmed and that you have totally removed the hair outside the knicker line by shaving or waxing.

Making the most of your appearance: Hair

2009-07-25T15:16:00.000-07:00

I honestly believe that anyone can be attractive without the need for surgery. Humans are programmed to find certain attributes appealing because our instinct is to carry on the human race through sex. I'm not saying you'll look like a supermodel with effort, but you'll still look great and attract the right kind of attention. Everyone has parts of them that are unique and quirky and you can work with them. It's extremely harsh and shallow to say, but it's true most (if not all) people judge you on appearance, and I think it's more about the effort you put into yourself than anything else. If you make an effort with yourself, others will think you're worth the effort too.

Here's a guide on how you can make the most of your appearance. This is just a guide; everyone is different and two people who are both very attractive will be polar opposites. You have to stay true to yourself - confidence is after all the most sexiest thing about a person.

In this post I'm going to concentrate on hair, I'll write and post the other sections later on.

Hair

Looking after your hair

Scientifically, we are drawn towards thick healthy hair, and with so many options this is easy to imitate. Make sure that you deep condition your hair ideally once a week, and keep it in good condition by using heat protectant when drying and styling. Consider a daily protectant to prevent sun exposure, weather damage and fumes which can ruin the texture and natural oils in hair.

What hairstyle is right for me?

Find a few hairstyles you like the look of and go to a reputable hairdressers to discuss how they could work for your hair type and face shape. Try and find looks that would suit your hair type, the amount of time you'd be willing to spend styling your hair and your budget for upkeep. There's no point picking a hairstyle that would take 30mins if you are only prepared to spend 5mins in the morning, or picking an amazing hairstyle that would need regular dyes and cuts to keep it intact if you're on a very limited budget.

I'd say go to a reputable hairdressers at first and splash out, then upkeep your look with a cheaper hairdresser. If you fancy a change, consider small changes, only changing your hair on a massive scale with a hairdresser you trust completely.

General advice for hair and upkeep

Strictly speaking, highlights on your natural colour (for example, if you have light brown hair go for dark blonde highlights, ginger then consider vibrant red etc) and soft layers are the most flattering to nearly every single face shape and hair type. A solid hair colour can look tacky and hair is one of the first things people notice so it's well worth the extra money for a professional dye. I only go to the hair dressers for highlights every six months as I'm a student, and in the mean time I touch up my roots every 2 months and get my Mam (who's a hairdresser) to trim the ends to keep them in good condition. If you don't have a hairdresser on tap, then in the meantime go to a very cheap hairdresser and just ask for a trim which is very difficult to get wrong and can make you feel a million dollars.

Daily effort

Hair is so important, so don't leave it for days on end to get disgusting and greasy, people will notice. If you're completely stretched for time and can't possibly wash it, invest in some cute hats to hide those roots. If you dry your hair with a hairdryer rather than leaving it to dry naturally you will also have more control over the finished style. Otherwise you might end up with a slanty and uncontrollable 'do which has dryed strangely overnight from the way you've been lying on it.

Where to get basic hair style ideas and find out the basic tools you need for your hair...

(A photo from the Youtube channel 'Itsjudytime')

Check out youtube tutorials for hairstyles you can try out in ways which are easy to follow. I particularly like the channel 'Itsjudytime' as she's so friendly and explains in a way which is easy to follow. Also buy fashionable hair bands and clips to update your look so you appear that you have made an obvious effort to look presentable. Invest in simple styling products - heat protectant, styling spray and hairspray are total essentials. The right tools are also a must; at least a straightening iron, hair dryer, hot air brush, a teasing comb and a normal brush. You may think what is the point of so much effort, but believe me people always notice your hair and the effort you've made even if they don't comment - I personally always notice hair and find those who make an effort instantly look more glamorous.

My own daily hair regime:
I'm not blowing my own trumpet (ok I am a little....) but I often get complimented on my hair as being thick and in really good condition. My hair used to be totally unmanageable and I had MANY cringworthy days. Thankfully I've learnt to work with my hair and I rarely ever have a bad hair day.......

1) I wash my hair every day as it becomes so greasy otherwise. This isn't essential for every hair type so consider your own hair. I wash it twice with shampoo and then rub conditioner on the ends which I leave on for a good five minutes before washing off.

2) It's bad for your hair to apply heat when it's soaking wet (wait until it's only damp) so I towel dry it. I pat the wet out my hair rather than rub as my hair would break.

3) When it's nearly dry, I apply a heat protectant spray all over my hair and comb it through, and use the hair dryer on the lowest heat to cause the least damage. To make my hair look thicker and to create volume I dry it upside down. Also when I turn off the hair dryer and the heat is still in my hair I remain with my head upside down. This is because your hair remains in the position it's cooled in, so it would end up flat against my head if I let it dry in that position, but it falls nicely volumnised at the roots against my head if I wait with my hair upside down.

4) I use styling spray for any flyaways and as well as this I use it to comb through my hair to make it more manageable. If any of my hair is at a weird angle I usually apply heat protectant spray on that section before I get out the straighteners.

5) If I want a really glamourous look, I section off my hair as if I was going to do a half do. I then put in my extentions (£15 from Extras) and clip them down. I let down the top of my hair which covers the clips from my extentions and then I use my fingers to comb through my hair and extentions so they don't break. I then add a fashionable headband or clip to show an obvious effort.

I get my hair highlighted with two different shades of blonde to keep my hair slightly natural, as one tone can look brassy and cheap. My hair is kept layered to create bounce and volume.

Love <3

PORN!

2009-07-21T10:43:00.001-07:00

Boredly browsing the net, I came across the most gorgeous website ever for jewelry. I particularly liked this, but it was so hard to choose! I'M. IN. LOVE. You can see their pieces on this link: http://eclecticeccentricity.bigcartel.com/. Well worth a look and a nudge in your partner's direction ;)

Blog Lovin

2009-07-21T02:07:00.000-07:00

I recently signed up for Bloglovin.com but to be honest I don't really understand what I'm doing.... But if you want to add me anyway ;). I'll keep with it for a while in the hope that it starts to make sense :p

Loves <3

Shoe Splurge

2009-07-20T13:20:00.000-07:00

Today I went to Newcastle to hand in my project which is thankfully completed fully now. Laura (my new friend from the summer school) met up with me to hand in the project and waited after as Ashley was typically late. It was a bit awkward with Laura but it was ok; I think I would still hang out with her as she seems like a nice girl. Then it was on to SHOPPING though :D. Everywhere had sales on, it was amazing! I got a £2 hair band from River Island which is super super cute, I'll upload a photo later. I also got these:::

They're quite hard to walk in but for £15 down from £35 I'm willing to brave it ;). I also got these:

These bad boys aren't the exact ones, they're the exact same shape but mine are snakeskin red and black. That sounds so trashy but they're amazing! It was really good to see Ashley and we also found a great coffee shop where you get massive mugs of hot chocolate with whipped cream, a flake and sprinkles for £2.25

ALSO.....................

IT'S MY FIFTIETH BLOG!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOO

I'm now at Stevens (again!) so I best be off and give him some love and attention.

Friends are like trees

2009-07-19T12:06:00.000-07:00

How many friends do you have?
Not in the loose sense of the word of people you occasionally chat to, sit next to at work, only see in your studies... I mean the type of people you would spend time with just because, who you could truly trust and who you know you can rely on.

I decided to arrange my full Facebook list into groups (that only I could see!). The first list were people I considered my real friends, the second were people that I could see with time could become real friends if the relationship developed, or people who with a bit of work I could be very good friends with. The third were people who had been really good friends at one point in my life, but now we were distant. The fourth were just people from school/work etc.

It was so eye-opening to see that some of my friends had fell into the second category just because we hadn't seen each other for quite a while, and the how many people had once been so significant in my life and now were barely part of it, other than the occasional 'how are you?'. The most noticable thing though was how many true friends I actually had. They were only a few; about 5/6. We all have friends we only see as part of a group, or not nearly as often as we should who we get on very well with. It's so easy to let things slip. I honestly want you right now to actively think of the people you'd say were great friends... My problem was 'Oh well there's Katie, but in all honesty, we've split ways alot now...... Well there's Kim, but I haven't seen her for years' etc etc. Since they'd been a big part of my life at one time and I know so much about them still, I was still seeing myself as close to them on initial thoughts until I actually thought about it.

I felt so depressed; 5 bloody friends. So I started asking around, searching blogs, reading articles etc just to see, am I the only one? Not at all. They all agreed to have on average between 3-6 close friends with tons more people that were just acquantices, or only 'social friends'. My favourite analogy was the one about trees.

Supposedly friendship is like trees because they are part of of your life in the same way as different parts of the tree are. There's the leaves; these are people who are friends for a little part of your life, but blow away when the wind changes direction. These are your friends you see every day at work to share lunch with, but when you/they change jobs you barely ever see eachother; neighbours, at particular places for example if you both go to the gym together, or see eachother walking dogs. The point is, once this main thing in common changes, the relationship goes kaput.

Next is branches; these are friends that have had a significant part in your life, perhaps for years, or people you once saw alot of and shared many events together with. Falling outs, just generally being busy, losing touch etc and slowly but surely they stop being proper friends and you drift away from eachother.

Then there's the roots, these are the people you could call on for any reason, at any time. You know they are always there for you through thick and thin. The people you could tell your embarrassing stories to, bitch at, have fun with and your shoulder to cry on. These are the people who have had massive influence in your life. Often, these are the people who have been around consistantly for years.

What do you think? How many friends have you got? Do you agree with the tree analogy? Let me know! Love <3

Tagging game

2009-07-17T08:30:00.000-07:00

So I got tagged by 'Style is the sixth sense' to put up the 6th photo from your 6th album from your computer.... BUT mine was a photo of myself, and since I'm trying to stay anonymous (particularly after the embarrassing sex story) I had to black out my face. Don't worry, I don't usaually sit and take photos and then think, 'you know, I'm going to block my face out'.... Because that would just be weird....

I tag all you guys to go 6th album 6th photo crazy! Anyone reading this, leave a comment and I'll check it out!

Yesterday, I got my hair highlighted blonde so I want to show it off! I suppose Roz has already seen my hair whilst it's in the hairdressing-glory stage of things, before I've washed it. We had a nice pizza night which was great! My parents are away at the moment so I might ask Steven to sleep...

If your thinking, 'DAMN that girl just did an excersise vid and she isn't washing her hair after!!...' I will wash my hair as I do everyday! I'm not that skanky......yet ;)

Today I've been fairly productive; tidied my room (a bit), did a 'Pump it up!' DVD, wrote some of my essay up. Go me! So yeah, I'm gonna head off now

Loves <3

Giving Blood Take 2!

2009-07-10T13:34:00.000-07:00

Aaaaa dear.
Is it wrong I was slightly pleased I couldn't give blood?

I tried to justify not going all day, but in the end a guilty concsious won out and I headed down with my sister. After a half an hour wait from the appointment time (they always run over) I was pretty much shitting a brick. When the finger pin prick said I had low iron I must admit I was secretly pleased....
'Yesss I don't have to have needles in my arm'. BUT for being a bad person I still had to get a needle for a blood test.

Summer school is finally over, but I still have to write a letter to get in. I'm glad I had to go as I don't feel nervous about uni at all! I'm at Stevens right now so I best be off as I'm ignoring him x

plodding

2009-07-07T14:14:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the best fun really is for free...

Today I went to the beach with my sister and dog Molly. The waves were really strong and high so we started to plod, then we got a little deeper - and all of a sudden a massive crashed straight over my head! I totally lost my footing, fell forwards and floated back to the shore again. It was hilarious to everyone watching seeing my feeble attempts to get back up. I lost all respect I might have looked like I had, my sister actually literally wet herself and had to find a cliff to edge by. The rough charves were not amused at all, but it was great. I think they at least got some satisfaction that I cut all down my legs and bruised them haha.

Molly was being ambitious with the waves thinking she could swim out to the sea to catch the birds floating. It was futile but soooo cute bless her. I never really go out to the beach or for a walk if I can help it, but I always love it when I do. So if you're reading this, get your old trainers on, grab a family member and go find some fun!

(Here's a photo that I nicked off a website, but its the exact beach we went to. My favourite are always the beaches which are rocky rather than the white sandy ones because they bring back so many lovely memories...)

Kill Me Now

2009-07-04T11:26:00.000-07:00

I think I might just start a blog called the 'kill me now' blog, since I'm inecapable of staying out of embarrassing situations.

I lock the door in Steven's room as we are getting down and dirty. All of a sudden the door starts to open to reveal Steven's Dad. HIS DAD. Of all people. Jesus.

"Get out! Get out!" Steven shouts, but it's too late. Too late for any dignity, denial or a chance to escape.

I had locked the door, but not clicked it shut properly so it was locked but not attached to a door.
My. Life. Is. OFFICIALLY. Over.
It will take many years to get over my sad, sad life. So please put me out my misery now. Actually, if any crazy people are reading this not in a literal way thanks haha.

I was convinced by Steven he never saw anything, but as Steven went down the stairs first I heard his brother smirk, "Got caught?". Steven's brother is such an asshole I just knew he'd be dropping obvious hints to embarrass me, and Steven's reaction pretty much confirmed everything.

Up until then I'd been keeping myself together, not even blushing, but I felt so humiliated just then I waited up the stairs until Steven came back up and opened the door again in his room for me. At first he wouldn't leave me alone as unfortunately my inability to stop myself crying always comes to play when I'm embarrassed, but it was only a one or two tears thank god.

Ergh... I hope I can avoid seeing either of them when I leave. But of course, I will bump into both of them.
Hope nothing this embarrassing has happened to you guys lately haha :)
Loves <3 for you all.

Twilight

2009-06-30T10:02:00.000-07:00

This is only my second day of Summer School and I'm exhausted! 7

I've made friends which is great as I have someone to eat dinner with haha.... ;) So far no Mean Girls moment for me sitting in the toilets eating yet haha. The dinners are soooo expensive for a student cafeteria; £4.20 for fish cakes and chips -ouch! Thankfully we have vouchers for food and can claim back our travelling expenses. My feet are killing off all the walking as yesterday I wore a little silver dress, shorts, ultra black tights and so needed heels to pull it off.... Then today I wore an orange summer dress that I showed you in a previous post and I didn't have any sandals so I had to wear heels - again!

In between summer school I've been reading Twilight... The film is very true to the book. As in their both exciting but completely lacking in a decent development of characters and relationships between them. The two main characters spend most of the time fighting and arguing, with him controlling everything she does, yet they still end up together. At the point where she refers to him as her 'angel' excessively, I had to fight the urge to throw up on the book right there and then haha. I must admit that I watched the full film enthusiatically only because of how hot 'Edward' is. I can't believe he's going out the girl who plays Bella in real life as he's so beyond her league.... Not that I'd be bias or anything.....

Love <3

WMIY and Book Review

2009-06-27T09:02:00.000-07:00

Hiya :)
Recently I finished 'The Adultery Club' by Tess Stimson. I only got this as I seen an interview with her on 'This Morning', in which an agony aunt and the two presenters completely ripped her a new asshole for her traditional views on marriage. Apparently in this new book, based on both her experience as the naughty mistress and the wronged wife, she said in the situation of being cheated on it's better to literally 'Beat the Bitch' (the mistress) rather than kick your cheating piece of shit partner straight in the balls. So obviously this came in for alot of criticism. Oooh I was interested - I love something that can make me consider a totally different point of view and I really felt like she held her own and kept her cool in this interview. So I raced to the library but they don't have it yet, so I got this book out instead. It's pretty much the same subject, featuring the points of views of the wife, mistress and the husband. It's a fairly good book even if I don't agree with the ending! So I really would recommend it for a nice quirky book for some good holiday reading....
I'd give this 3.5/5

Another thing I've been up to is feeding my addictive need to have more clothes! This is a dress that I swapped on my favourite website to big up, whatsmineisyours.com. If you haven't read me nattering on about it before, it's a website where you post up photos of clothes or pretty much anything in your house you don't want and then negotiate swaps with other people for things you do want. Pretty much like ebay, but not usually involving currency. So I just swapped a beaded necklace that wasn't really my taste for the dress above, which I'd much rather have. It's cute and should get me through the summer :).

I've also just bought these eyelashes from Ebay as well as the pair below. They only worked out 26p each including p+p which is AMAZING, but they're a bit on the drag-act side so I'll have to attempt to trim them down. But to be fair for 52p, can you really complain?!

The name of the shop is oooushop I'm pretty sure, and the posting is very quick, within a week! And from Hongkong, that is no mean feat............

Anyhoo, I'm halfway through making a chocolate-cornflake-cake man for Steven with little chocolate smartie eyes yayyy. I think it's stuck to the gingerbread cutter though, which should be interesting. I'm going to sleep over his for a bit of TLC as my parents are driving me crazy. If I get up in time I'll even go to the carboot sale which is always full of bargains, so watch this space!

Loves x x x x

MJ Dead.

2009-06-26T04:09:00.000-07:00

I'm sure you've already heard a billion times by now that Micheal Jackson is dead. Theres already been thousands of tributes, lovely little facebook messages, dedications.... etc. etc. which is all quite moving.

Did everybody love Micheal Jackson? It seems that way at current, but beforehand I thought that it was split 50.50 pretty much.

I think this is largely dependable on whether you think he was a pedophile or not... If he wasn't then it's a shame to lose an innocent music artist who admittedly realeased some amazing songs. On the other hand, if he was a pedophile, the phrase "What comes around goes around" really springs to mind. Sorry if this offends people, but I do believe he was a pedophile. I can't really imagine my Dad thinking it was ok to share a bad with children and it not to cross his mind "Hmmm this might appear weird...".

I've had two encounters with pedophiles in my life, but thankfully nothing has ever happened to me. Once was a man at the pub (it was a family party) who kept on trying to offer me chips with his grimy friend. I got a bad vibe off them and when they started trying to make me go outside with them I ran in the toilets crying. They also kept on taking lots of photos of me randomly which I found unnerving. I got shouted at because I was crying, for what appeared to be no reason, until my Dad worked out what had happened. All hell broke loose; the man refused and denied all knowledge, but lots of people had saw what he had been doing. The bar staff told me Dad to get out instead of the other two men, and it was US that got banned.

The next time I was walking home in my school outfit to my Nanas. This man started walking quickly behind me so I crossed the road, then he crossed. So I went to cross the road again when: -
"Excuse me, excuse me" He had a think derbyshire accent. He was tall and thin with round glasses.
He told me he was a photographer and that I should consider modelling. Perhaps innocent? Well:
"Have you ever considered wearing stockings...No? Do you wear skirts?...... Could I ask would you wear stockings if you were wearing a skirt?"
I started to edge down the street, saying no to everything. He got the hint (and probably a hard on in the process ergh). But if in both of these situations I had been alot more naive than I was, it could have easily ended in trouble both times and perhaps ruined my chance of a normal life.

Even thinking about that makes me feel wrong, like I did something bad when nothing at all happened, so god knows what it's like for someone who has actually suffered that form of abuse. I can't justify that in any case, and therefore I can't justify myself to feel anything towards Micheal Jacksons death. The only shame is that it makes us question our own mortality. But obviously, if you don't believe that he was a pedophile, you would have a totally different view.

I wonder how many of his singles will soon be in the top 40's again, how many times rumours will circulate, and how much truth will come out then?

The News

2009-06-24T15:20:00.000-07:00

Guess who was on the news today?!?!
Me! For a whole 2 seconds twice in the clips but I still made the full family watch haha. Can you guess which one is me?

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/8117082.stm

The weather has been lush lately so I've been going to the beach alot mainly with Ashley and Liz which has been great! I have the worst sun burn on a part of my arm but it was worth it for the fun. My Mam and Dad have also just came back from their holidays abroad so it was good to see them again. And also to have a break from my Granda! I do love him but he's soooo grumpy it's unreal. I'm at Stevens at the moment though so I can't type too much as the keyboard is dead weird on his laptop. Aww his dog Joop has just had the snip so he's v. depressed. We just took him for a walk but he refused to have a poo so he'll probably do one tonight to spite us. Haha apparently their like Curries nom nom which we've just ate so it'll be nice to experience the luxury all over again -not.

I recently went out clubbing too which was ok, but we got split off as usual. I managed to wing my way onto the guest list so we didn't have to pay yayyy :) but Blu Bambu is not that great so probably all the better it was free. Alix was doing my head in as usual making Tina dance away from us and Ashley practically choose between us. Jo and Roz weren't really in a dancing mood at all so we went home at 1am which was a bit shitty. Also, they were getting freaked out at all the drunkards all over us but hey what can you expect from the beauty of Newcastle haha. I also went out for an italian with Ashley and Liz which was lovely :).Micheal didn't turn up but it was a great time anyway and a nice laugh.
What have you guys been up to lately? x

Agony Aunts

2009-06-23T07:02:00.000-07:00

Ok, so my subject today is the use of Agony Aunts. Has anyone ever used them or know of people that use them? Did you or them receive good advice back? If you would/wouldn't, why?

I personally use them in dilemmas if I get alot of corresponding advice from friends. After all, they will have different perspectives from their own experience and also some people may have intentions for offereing certain advice. For example, I want to "break up" (oh yes I'm just that cool...) with a friend, but I don't know whether to tell her straight and give her an explanation, or petter it out to avoid a total eruption on her part.

So my other friend wants me to rip her to pieces for "closure", but I know it's because she doesn't like this friend either, but on the other hand, my brother for example thinks I should just be "unavailable". However, my boyfriend reminds me that as she invites herself to social occasions and usually ends up putting me down in front of everyone when she's my friend, how can I expect her to act when she knows I'm fazing her out of my life. So as you can see, I really need outside advice for my issues! So yep, I used an agony aunt site for an objective piece of advice. I haven't really had much feedback as of yet, so I'll post them on here and hopefully you guys can me some advice which would be MUCH appreciated! With love x

Problem number one:

"I've been friends with a girl, Rebecca, for the past few years. I felt guilty as when we were in school she didn't have many friends because she is so offensive and can be quite controlling. I was basically her only friend, and I invited her along to events etc with my friends so she felt included, as she has quite a bad home life. We ended up getting pretty close until I introduced her to this guy called Jonny.

Anyway, they were dating but did not get on very well and she continually took it out on me. Once she rang me for an hour to complain about him saying it was my fault as he'd been making jokes about having sex with me. This is typical of Jonny's sense of humour but Rebecca is very jealous so it didn't rub well. Also she was becoming increasingly needy of me, jealous if she didn't get to sit next to me at the dinner table if me and my friends went out for meals, or if I talked to anybody else. She even went in a mood when I was dancing iwith my boyfriend on a night out instead of her. I got sick of her talking to me like I was a piece of sh** after too many gos at me.

She aso has massive double standards which got on my nerves. For example, she would make it near impossible for me not to go to an event she wanted me to go to, even if I didn't fancy it, but she'd cancel on me for silly reasons like she was eating her tea so she wasn't coming out full stop. She also started talking to me horribly in front of friends and my boyfriend, which was really embarrassing as they could not comprehend that I would allow anybody to talk to me like that as I'm not that type of person, but I'd always make up excuses. She stood me up for a meal last minute so I finally decided to say something. She completely exploded at me, typically blaming me for everything, and then a week later acted like everything was normal, even inviting herself to my birthday party. I told her straight that I was annoyed, but she just apologised in a way like it was still my fault and acted normal again. Anyway, she has just stood me up again and had a go saying that I haven't bothered with her for the past month, but that's because I haven't seen anyone as I've had tons and tons of exams. She hasnt rang/messaged me either and I did invite her out clubbing so I made more of an effort than her. Now I'm at a dilemma, I basically don't want much to do with her, but should I tell her straight for closure and so she knows as she'll just keep ringing me and asking me out all the time like everything is fine, or should I just hope that eventually she gets the hint?

I don't want to particularly cause more drama but I want her to get the hint. I know she'll just ring and she's been known to randomly come round my house if I've been "busy", and I hate confrontation so I know I'd just end up forgiving her again and being nice, giving her mixed signals. Any ideas? Thanks very much for any help "

Problem number two
"I have been friends with a girl called Ashley since we both began on the same course. We got on really well, so she began inviting me to social occasions.

The thing is, one of her friends Alix who is always invited has taken an instant disliking to me. I tried being over the top nice to her, but she'd be really one worded, and I heard from Ashley that she's really possesive and that she sees me as a threat for some unknown reason. Nothing I have tried has worked to win her over, so now we kind of just ignore eachother which would be fine..... But she leaves me out of conversations by talking about people/things I don't know, she physically walks away if we're out and starts a conversation somewhere else with other people so they leave me to see her, or if we're clubbing she dances somewhere totally differently causing a rift as if "Choose her or me". She tells people that she makes a massive effort with me but I ignore her, and says I give her evil looks which is totally untrue as I still act politely to her but don't go out of my way to talk, and Ashley agrees that it is Alix's problem.

I don't know whether to continue acting normaly and be polite or whether I should avoid all events with Alix in them althogh that's pretty much everyone and just see Ashley by myself. If I do that though I feel horrible telling Ashley explicitly to not invite Alix to stuff and just other people as it makes me look really harsh. Then again if I let Alix know for a fact that I hate her that would make me look bitchy if I go out of my way to be a bitch. I just want an easy life where I don't have to feel judged or left out from Alix which she always tries to do. Help?!"

Anon

2009-06-21T07:41:00.001-07:00

Hello guys :)
I'm in a dilemma at the moment. I don't know how anonyomous I should stay with this blog, because it only takes one search for friends and family to find out my really personal inner thoughts. On the other hand, I don't want to hide around in the background of my blog. I can never share photos here, or get opinions on hairstyles/makeup etc etc...But is that just a down side? After all I can't have privacy and bear everything. What do you think? x

2009-06-20T03:29:00.000-07:00

Video Blog

2009-06-19T15:52:00.000-07:00

Hello :) so I decided to do a video blog for a change.....
BUT when I uploaded it, it went on its side so ermmmmm sorry about that :(.
It's on the topic of "what do you carry around with you on a day to day basis?" so I did my maaaaasive fatbag I bring everywhere.
And I want all yous to show me too! Whether it be photos or a video!

Freedom :D woooo!

2009-06-16T02:34:00.001-07:00

I've finally finished all my exams at college so I feel like I've temporarily claimed my life back before I have to start a summer school. The exams went ok, other than I've failed one automatically because I didn't mention all the sources on the source paper (oops...) but I'm too happy to have freedom to care anymore!

I'm going to update with the mass of things that I've been buying lately in my desperation to keep my sanity whilst revising, but they're pretty much all from the Car Boot Sale - yes I really am that trampy - but I really like what I've bought! Also, being frugalistic is the new er, black. So that's my excuse.

I'm at Stevens at the moment otherwise I'd update straight away. I'm so bored as well! Since I've been pretty much revising continously for the past month or two I feel like I've got nothing to do at all even though I've been wanting a lazy day for sooo long. It'll be nice to see friends and also I have to tidy my room, and I'm embarking on an excersise regime haha so wish me luck ;). Lets see how long it lasts this time huh, guys :p.
Anyway, I hope you're all doing well. I'm so sorry I haven't updated in so long but I felt guilty going on the internet instead of doing all my revision work. But I'll promise to update most days now so watch out for my ramblings :) <3 x x x

Rant!

2009-05-27T14:18:00.000-07:00

Am I in Mean Girls or something?

Firstly, Becca, after ignoring me for weeks and missing my birthday decides to become best friends when she realises I'm arranging a night out clubbing. All of a sudden she's in touch again, and today she even sends me a message asking if I want to go on holiday?! Erm no, because you will probably drown me in the pool.

Now Ashley who was flirting with one of Stevens' (my boyfriend) friends, Sean, is having a go. I was searching online for some cats as I want to buy one soon from the Kennels so I was just concentrating on that and not Facebook. Ten minutes later I get this text ranting at me saying I must be ignoring Ashley as I'm secretly in a radge she told Sean she liked him. Well, I could actually be busy!

Ahhh the joys of a blog. You can get out all your anger without ever having to say it out loud and create waves.

The end of an era x

2009-05-17T07:23:00.000-07:00

Hello everybody :)

It was my last day at work yesterday as the seasons over now. I always feel bad knowing that I won't see people I've grown to like ever again. I got moved to a different Kiosk as well, so I didn't even get to say buy properly either. Maybe I'm reading too much into his bad mood because really nobody wants an unrequited fancy do they?

The last thing he said to me was "Oh Emma wait a minute....Where did you put that cup?" Like not even bye or anything. Everyone else said bye to me, even people I don't talk to as much, so I don't know what horror I committed for such a placid last encounter. I guess that's a chapter that's closed now though. If he seriously wanted to get in touch with me, he knows I have a facebook but I doubt he would (becuase lets face it, nothing looked good about what I just wrote). I feel a bit bad about it really but I'm sure it'll pass in a few days.

Moving on to a bit of girlfriend trouble, I haven't talked to Becca in ages now as she's still not made any contact with me since I said messaged her. I invited her to my birthday and she said 'Are we cool now?', so I said;

"Well, I think you were a bit harsh as I wasn't even avoiding you and you've been talking to me quite nastily, but I still want you to come to my bday because it's not worth fighting over"...

She hasn't talked to me since, even though I know she's been online, and she hasn't bothered to message me back. It's like two days away from my official birthday, and five from my party, so if she decides to message back and come I can imagine it might be a little awkward. I do miss her alot even though she's been quite horrible. She told Jonny (her boyfriend) that I had apparently been ignoring her because I'd accused her of standing me up?! It was totally the other way round but I have a feeling that she thinks it's all my fault full stop.

;') I fell over my excersise bike and twisted my ankle so I hope I can wear heels by Friday. My ankle was killing so much I never even felt the cuts and bruises all down my other leg. I've been limping everywhere which is never a good look, but it hasn't put me off spending the night trying on different dresses with heels. I can't decide between a short flirty dress with a little flowered pattern, a sexy above the knee but skin tight dress from River Island with the lushest embellishement ever, or my LBD with all the back cut out. Decisions, decisions! I'll post pics of them all tomorrow, although the LBD looks crap unless it's on, but I really want your opinions :) x x x

2009-05-13T06:49:00.000-07:00

Exams are taking over my life!!!!

I promise to update soon :)
x x x

Birthday

2009-05-07T02:49:00.000-07:00

Ahhh birthdays are so stressful to arrange. There's always that lingering thought 'what happens if noone turns up?'...Or is that just me?...

I noticed when writing messages to people that Gossip Girl has ruined my allowance to end with 'XOXO'.
Bitch.

On a more serious note, Becca had a complete freak-out on me on facebook saying that I had been ignoring her. She went so over the top, patronising me and being completely horrible and then just signed out. She hasn't contacted me since, so I don't know whether to invite her to my birthday. I'm really annoyed but at the same time I don't want to be petty. Any ideas?
x x x

The Credit Crunch

2009-05-02T01:26:00.001-07:00

I've been with my boyfriend for three years, and each year present buying has got a little more ridiculous. Last year, he took me to York for a weekend and clubbing, and I took him to V festival which each cost over £300. Even though this is ridiculous considering that I was a student getting £30 a week and he was completing an apprentice so he was earning £150, I used to just save for months on end to get him the same value present.

Now that he's became redundant though and he gets £40 a week, and I now get £20, he has completely changed his tune. I don't even mind spending less because it took me about 10 weeks to save up for the same present he could get me in 1 week (after I paid for my bus fair to school and never bought anything at all), but I'm more annoyed that I used to beg him to spend a more reasonable amount because of my own financial problems and he never would. I'd feel totally inclined to spend the same and always would, but now he's in a similar financial situation to me he's suddenly wanting to only spend £10 begrudingly. I feel like he should appreciate how much it actually cost for me to save up but he's more concerned about what a waste of money my birthday is now. I know I sound totally unreasonable but it just annoys me how eveything always changes when he wants it to, and I just have to go along with it. I didn't make a massive deal out of the excessive spending because I didn't want him to be disappointed and I wanted it to be fair. It's like he's only concerned for his own finance, I bet if he got a job the spending price would go up again even if I was completely in the same boat.

I know I'm being unreasonable, but I still think it's unfair.

Sunshine

2009-04-29T11:42:00.000-07:00

Hello everybody :). It's been a beautiful day today, so I've been revising in the garden which is always nice since it doesn't happen very often!

I went to the doctors today about my anxiety attacks. I feel so glad that I finally went, I've been given some tablets and I'm going to start writing an 'anxiety diary' (she told me to) alongside my normal one. Beware! I'll try not to bore you too much :p.

So, my anxiety today about about 4/10 before my appointment, 8/10 during and after my tablets 3/10. I hate going to the doctors though so I knew that was going to stress me out. My diary's so that I'm supposed to find out what makes me become anxious, evaluate the worst that can happen and then find possible solutions. I'll keep putting a little note at the bottom of my normal blogs but mainly I'll just stick the the random crap I usually petter out :).

Triggers: The doctors
Why stressful: I'm scared they'll laugh or think I'm weird, that I'll stutter, I don't like not knowing the people I'm going to see, I feel like I'm being judged.
Solutions: Rationalise :They're professionals who probably deal with people like my all the time and so unlikely to laugh, I'm just a number in a big work schedule... I can book the same nurses and doctors by request if I feel nervous going to new doctors.

Aha, that actually helped! Really it's not a big deal, but I get so nervous and edgy about these things :(.
Here's a joke for the day to lighten the mood a little:

Did you hear about the guy with five penises?

His pants fit like a glove.

Hahaha, you know you loved it!
x x x

Durham

2009-04-26T08:56:00.000-07:00

I might actually be including photos up of me soon - beware! I was forced brutally to do a photoshoot at the beach wearing a purple glittery prom-style dress for my friend Ashley at photography. It was embarrassing as I hate getting my photo taking, but hopefully they turned out ok, and if they did, I'll post a few on here :).

Afterwards, I went to Durham with Steven. The city was beautifully picturesque so we sat at the riverside watching people attempt to canoe and got a Subway sandwich. We went shopping afterwards where I got a cool pair of long earrings and the most massive brooch EVER which I'll show photos of soon when I'm not on my evil laptop. Also we went to the Cathedral which was very impressive although so money grabbing - there was boxes everywhere to donate, to prayer, to enter certain rooms etc. I suppose it does cost a lot to run (£66,000 a week, ouch!) but it was so in your face it was unreal.

Rebecca has tried ringing a few times but I've been "missing" the calls lately.I just feel like I need a few weeks break from her and it'll all be fine again. I know that sounds very bitchy but everything she literally says is a complaint and it's beginning to annoy me, and I don't want to just snap in her face so I think avoiding my problems in the way to go for now!

Everything is amazing with Steven again. The extremes we go through are unreal, but hey we learn to live another day, for now. Hopefully it will last too, he comes round at 7pm so I best be off to revise a little more before he comes. Love Em x

A night out clubbing

2009-04-17T08:20:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling the after effects of getting in at 4am - but it was worth it!

Myself, Steven (my boyfriend), Frazer (his friend), Becca (my friend) and Jonny (Stevens friend, and also Becca's boyfriend) were all meant to be having a quiet pub chat but instead we ended clubbing until the place literally closed.

This would be a really long blog so I'll be good and list the events :).

1) We first got in some drinks at Steven's house which Steven paid for even though he's skint. Jonny and Becca were having a domestic, so she surgically attached herself to me (complaining the full time about Jonny, even though I'd already told her to the side I didn't want to get involved). The more quiet Jonny became with Becca, the more louder she'd be nagging, demanding to know who he was texting, what he was doing, what he was thinking etc etc etc etc etc etc etc et fucking cetera. I tried to lighten him up a bit by asking about his tattoo's but he gave a snappy answer back. Meow.

2) Jonny was on the phone to somebody at the bus stop, who Becca assumed was a girl so she began having an indirect go at Jonny through me. This meant she was basically arguing and shouting in my face, which is always fun. Apparently a girl walked past and began talking to Jonny at the bus stop (which I didn't see), so as soon as we get there Becca begins dragging me to the toilets to have another full on freak out. Apparently the girl was all like 'Oh heyyyy Jonny' in a flirtacious tone, and was therefore the "apparent" female on the phone earlier. I asked Steven about this later and apparently it was just a random 40 year old who was a friend of his Mother's, and who'd literally said 'Hi' and 'how are you?'. Even if Jonny had been talking to a girl on the phone, I find it really unlikely she would come all the way to the outside bus stop at Steven's house to literally have a two minute conversation, but there is no reasoning. I am by now contemplating the nearest window to fling myself through.

3) We get into 'Kirks', a bar, and conversation is good and light. Jonny has decided to give up his day job as a mime and finally begins talking after I tease him a bit (please know I'm desperate), and finally he isn't being as grumpy. Frazer has missed a call off his girlfriend, Natalie, who is away on holiday and so clingy she needs to see a therapist...But of course she rings back in the next ten minutes and he spends 45mins outside the bar talking to her on the phone. In this time I notice a mutal friend of mine and Becca's, Fiona, who is out with another girl. Fiona's the biggest flirt in the entire world - she will literally thrust against, dance with, tease and superflirt with anybody, and is the dirtiest dancer ever, but the only thing is she will never go any further than that, so she usually leaves a trail of broken hearts (....or dreams, at least...)

4) We move over to 'Beach' club which has good pumping music and bump straight back into Fiona and her friend again. Frazer comes in late (Natalie had rang him again). He seems a bit pissed off, but impressed with the look of Fiona who he compares to Lady Gaga. Immediately with the sight of boys in our group both Fiona and co. come over to start their usual grinding sexy dance and I'm immediately dragged in. I dance mostly with Steven rather than being used solely as a pawn piece for Fiona. The full group are all dancing now and it's getting really good with alot of laughs :) so by now generally speaking everyone has brightened up.

5) We now move into 'Glitterball', where Natalie has rang Frazer a further two times. Mixed with his intake in alcohol I can still see him eyeing up Fiona (who is actually taken). Becca is complaining about Jonny again so I quickly jump up to dance with Steven. I'm having a great time grinding up against him etc. (he is my boyfriend so I'm deeming that this is fine ;) haha) and can't help but notice how much Jonny is staring. I think Becca notices this and starts to get a bit pissy with me. I start to dance with Fiona and her friend (who keeps on dragging me near her to dance with me) and Frazer jumps at the chance to dance with Fiona. She already has a massive trail of men around her but Frazer doesn't seem to notice. Becca starts moaning at Jonny about Frazer, then to me, then to Frazer and then to Jonny again. Since Becca's annoyed with me though, she begins going on and on about her weight loss down to 7st 12 and asking "oh how's your diet going?" *looking me up and down and smirking*. She also keeps on telling me to shut up and generally having a bit of a dig, but I pretend I don't notice.

6) Frazer is arguing on the phone with Natalie again and turns off his mobile, so she starts ringing Jonny's mobile to pass on the message. She begins ringing Jonny's phone continuously, so eventually Frazer picks up and goes outside again. I'm having a really good time just dancing about although when Steven leaves me to buy another drink I'm sexually harrassed by three different men in the space of 2 minutes. I swear alcohol is just an excuse to get away with their cheap thrills, but hey ho. Frazer comes back in saying he's finished with Natalie and immediately is OTT flirting, trying to get it on with Fiona. As I suspect though, she's not really interested although she enjoys leading him on.

7) The club closes at 3am, Steven get's money out the bank for the taxi home and by the time we've walked to the taxi rank Frazer is already off and away without even saying bye. I suppose though if you have been temporarily dumped by your girlfriend and rejected by a girl crawling all over you, it's starting to look bleak and maybe a hug goodbye isn't at the top of a priorities pile, so I'll let him off. Becca decides she wants a burger in the celebration of her weight loss despite not trying at all, and Steven orders a dirty pizza for us to share.

Overall I'm really pleased to have had a lovely night with Steven, no arguments and realising exactly why I love him. It was great to flirt with him, and I think that's what we needed to be honest. I think the passion was the missing piece- we'd gotten into a routine which was becoming mundane and we weren't bothering to sex it up anymore. I re-read my post about the guy at work and immediately wanted to delete it. I honestly don't know what I was thinking, maybe the bad patch of over a month though was pushing me to extremes as I wasn't happy. I know it's early days but it honestly felt like 'the good times'. Yayyyy :)

Sin

2009-04-15T11:29:00.001-07:00

Although it made for cringeworthy reading to see my previous post, I'm actually glad that I have this blog to throw all my raw emotions onto. Embarrassing? Definately. OTT? Perhaps. But necessary? Completely - I feel like I got everything I was feeling out.

Me and Steven talked about splitting up, but we both agreed not to. I really feel like I love him, but sometimes I question 'Am I in love?'. I think a large part of me misses the single life- the not knowing what might happen, who you might meet, that little flirt. At the same time though, I love the trust, companionship, fun, knowing someone so well, sex and the complete familiarity of Steven.

I'm quite anal when it comes to sex; I just couldn't outside a relationship. Not because I'm religious or because I think it's degrading or anything. After all, surely two adults that fancy eachother and understand that it's no strings attached wild sex are entitled to the fun. But that's my problem; I could never seperate sex and my feelings. Also I know I'd feel used, and reflecting on the experience of girlfriends I can't really say it's my cup of tea. It's always the same; the automatic increase in self esteem of being lusted over... Quickly outweighed by the after feeling of being used and having to sleep in the wet patch. I'm yet to meet a girl who has sex and doesn't feel bad afterwards, it would be very refreshing! Maybe it's just my friends with the bad experiences after all? I'd love to hear what those reading this think.

I have something I must admit though. I've been kind of fearing writing it and slightly ashamed, even though I'm hidden in the depths of anonymousity on the internet. There's a guy at work, and he is messing with my head. I have never met in my three years of relationship anybody that I have ever, ever considered as a potential threat to Steven. I actually even hated this guy at first, he was arrogant, clearly the 'popular' type, smart, sporty and damn smug. I rolled my eyes and teased him constantly suggesting all he did was sit in his room eating cornflakes and revising (he actually does shit loads of revision so this was valid). Eventually he became human and we got on pretty well, and now he's always lingering in my thoughts. I don't know if it's just because I know he's leaving soon for Uni and I always feel bad knowing I'll not see people again. I don't know if it's because I'm going through a bad patch in the relationship so I'm subconciously seeing people in a different light. I don't know if after three years with Steven it's refreshing to innocently flirt with someone... Particularly someone who is a complete opposite to the guy I actually go to bed with. I just don't know! I feel ridden with guilt, I'm pushing Steven away almost as if when he gets too close he'll suddenly know I'm lusting over someone else. What is wrong with me, is this normal? There's just too many thoughts running through my head. Maybe it's because I always, always want what I can't have, and since he is moving away soon I most certainly can never have him.

I guess maybe time will tell........

Burnt Toast

2009-04-11T14:14:00.000-07:00

I've decided to go for the name 'Burnt Toast' for my blog. 'Life lessons and cheesecake' is just too cheesy and lighthearted for a girl like me.

I know - I'm just not the girl you thought I was..... ;) haha.

Burnt Toast I think is pretty fitting. No matter how hard you try, things can go wrong. But I actually love burnt toast, so sometimes its for the best.

Thanks to everybody who reads this by the way:) it really makes my day! x

Sharp Edges

2009-04-11T13:50:00.000-07:00

Steven....
What is happening to us?

I know I pretend that it doesn't bother me when we argue. We drive home in silence.
I want you to hug me - tell me everything is ok and it doesn't matter. I hope that you think no, its not worth the whole night over an argument. But the car pulls in anyway. Every step I hope you call me back like you used to and we'd make friends,but it's different now. I wait until the door closes before I let the tears fall.

I still love you.

Fashion, The Implant and Relationship issues

2009-04-08T04:35:00.000-07:00

Only £15 from Primark. I know they're a bit done for now (it rained :@) but I still love them. They're just like the ones in Topshop they're selling for £50 and nearly an exact replicar of the Oasis boots which they're selling for £80. Ooooo yeah.

Also, I got my blood results back today; I'm B+ which means I'm 8% of the population. So much for my Mam's insistence that I have common blood haha.

I have two things I want to talk about: One's a topic I said I'd talk about before, contraception kids! The other is the messy nature of relationships. Sorry in advance for the mammoth essay I will no doubt produce... I suggest to get a cup of tea, some toast and slap on a CD to get comfy ;). So without further ado....

The implant of doooooooooom

I get asked alot about why I chose to get an implant in the first place, and what it was like to get it put in, so I thought I'd share all the gore on here.

Basically, I was having a stomach problem at the time, but in order to treat it my normal pill would be ineffective. I always always use condoms so I could have solely used them, but I'm convinced that I need at least two forms of contraception to avoid getting pregnant which would just be so typical. I know, I know, the chances of one not working is under 1% but I just know that one % would be me, just out of spite. Anyway call me anal/crazy, or both... I went to the doctors to see what else I could use. They gave me the mini pill which worked on a different hormone, so I started using that.

You're not supposed to have periods at all on it, but non-surprisingly in my luck I had a period every day for months on end. I kept on getting told to wait and wait, so I did...for a year. A year I had a period everyday, such irony as the full reason for going on it was to have sex, but I couldn't because of the periods. Anyhoo, eventually after I was getting so dizzy (these bad boy periods were heavy) I was feeling faint all the time, they agreed to use the only final solution, the implant. I must admit, I was very reluctant because of the horror stories of them being put in wrongly, going infected and really hurting just to insert. I begrudingly set an appointment anyway.

I was so scared on appointment day. They make you lie on a table and use a general anaesthetic which I never had before so I was scared I'd have a reaction. Also the whole lying on the table thing was scaring me like "how serious is this?!" so I was clearly like a looney-bin. They then inserted a massive needle into my arm (which I couldn't feel thank god) and then pushed through the implant. It felt more uncomfortable than anything. It's not an experience I'd want to have again, but it wasn't that bad and only a little uncomfortable afterwards.

BUT... I have had more problems! I've put on a stone, broke out in acne on my back and my periods still didn't stop. They put me on the pill alongside the implant to see if it would stop my periods which is has, but my mood swings are unreal with all of those hormones in me. Plus, my spots still haven't cleared up even though I've been using prescribed cream, and also I'm so moody I'm annoying everyone around me. They wont take out my implant either, the cheap bastards as it would be a waste of NHS money....

2's comfort, 4's taking the piss

Ok, so what is the crack that is happening with all the relatioships around me at the moment? Firstly, Jo is getting back with the a-hole boyfriend who cheated on her, but I have cleverly avoided giving a completely true opinion (drop him like an STD) as I don't want shit kicked in my face. I'm quite happy to just be focusing on my own relationship with Steven, but unwittingly, getting together two of our best friends means we are getting sucked into all their drama too.

Becca is a good friend, a little unhinged and controlling, but generally it's all good. She is notorious for being messed around, and so naive that she usually believes that her booty call invitation on a Friday night means he really does see her as girlfriend material. Hello?! One guy wanted sex on demand, which she basically provided, convinced that it would make him want to be serious with her. When you can have all the cream without the responsibility of the tantrums, mood swings and all the shit of a relationship, but get all the benefits... Why would any guy change this? Eventually he got bored and moved on.

So Becca jumped into similar scenario as usual. This time, he could only see her every Friday, but she defended this by saying that "Oh, well it's the same as a relationship" - erm no. There is more to a relationship than a one night get together a week and sex. Relationships are about trust, understanding eachother, love etc. etc. When she hinted to this new guy she wanted the title as his "girlfriend" he told her he was only interested in 'fun'. Becca was gutted, I told her to end it if she wanted something more, but she was sure that if she kept on seeing him every Friday he would change his mind. "It's like we're in a relationship anyway" she kept on insisting. "Yep, but Becca... He must obviously want to be seeing other girls too otherwise he would" but she was having none of it. Eventually, he started getting lazy. She was always ready to jump, but he began stalling off for time (probably to sort out his real girlfriend before he left her to see Becca) or cancelling on Becca completely, being vague about why ("Some shit I need to sort...."). He became really half assed and she was finally starting to accept that there was no future. People like Becca though, they need somebody to fill the gap, they can't just be alone. I racked my brains for somebody, anybody, that would treat her better. I came up with Jonny. He was one of my boyfriends mates, and although completely stupid, would at least treat her right.

They started dating, but Jonny was so nervous around her and basically doesn't have that much to say for himself anyway, Becca felt like she was literally dating herself. So anyway, to fill the silences they ended up talking alot about me and Steven. I can't say I was overly impressed with this because I like my relationships to be quite private and I know she'd been saying personal stuff I'd told her to him, and vice versa. To cut a long story short, he went away in his job in the army for two months, so that cooled the situation, although when he was drunk he kept on mentioning on and on about how he fancied me so Becca was literally going mad. When he came back though, it's been worst than ever.

Both me and Becca was going to a birthday party on the Sunday night, but it also happened to be the time Jonny was coming back home. We were meeting for 7.30pm, so Becca would have had to leave Jonny's house at 6.50pm very latest. Anyway, he wasn't due back until 6pm so that would have made seeing him pretty pointless, but Becca wanted to see him anyway even if it was only for a little while. When she was at work though, Jonny texted saying he wouldn't be back until even later than that so Becca went into a proper mood. She rang me up to have a rant almost blaming me as I introduced them (?) and then said she was getting the 7.03pm bus. I told her I was going to be late so I'd just meet her at the restuarant. Anyway, I was waiting outside the restaurant with Jo who I'd picked up on the way as she was also running late. It slipped past 7.30pm and still no word from anyone else we were meeting so Jo rang and they said that they were still making their way down. They didn't turn up until 8pm as Kat (the usual suspect) was late. Becca stormed up to me looking verrrrrry pissed.

"Where have you been for fucks sake?!"

Jo looked bemused. "Errrmmm waiting here"

"You said you were meeting me! I was waiting like I'd been stood up for ages! I couldn't get through because of my mobile.. I was going to go home when I bumped into these guys because it was just taking the piss" on and on and on. This was the second time that I was getting ranted at by her in one day. I hate confrontation so I just said "I said that I was meeting here". We both knew she didn't have a point so she dropped it and started looking at her menu. Two seconds later, she starts trying to talk to me all nicely. I'm getting fed up by this point so I ignore her and pertend I'm engrossed in the conversation around me. After the meal, we're supposed to be going to the pub, but she storms off to the bus stop. We all decide to just call it a night. Becca gets the bus with me and Kat, so we receive a 20min rant on her relationship with Jonny. I'm pretty much ready to fling myself out the window, so I'm glad when it's my stop.

The next day, Becca sends me a text going 'I'm with Jonny now - finally. Am gonna have a talk'. I dont respond as I dont want to yet again get involved. The day after that she sends me a rant about him on facebook and how he made her cry by not saying anything. She also rings me mobile which I miss, so she rings my house phone to have a go about how I never answered the phone I never heard, and the facebook message she has literally just sent me. She rants about Jonny for another hour.

In this rant though, she mentions that Jonny thinks my boyfriend only ever talks about sex, and the other half of the time he's just boring. I don't know whether she wants a reaction, so I don't give her one, but I'm puzzled why she would mention it. Anyway, Steven rings me going "Have you been saying shit to Becca about Jonny?" (Like I could get a word in edgewise!)

I'm like 'Nope, why?'

"Apparently, Jonny is going to confront you, but that has to stay between you and me, I'm not supposed to say. Have you been saying shit?"

"Noooo. If anything I defend him!"

"What about the prostitute thing?" Ok, I mentioned this before they started going out, so why would it cause shit now?

So now, I'm awaiting an embarrassing confrontation. I'm at my wits end. It's like Becca wants Jonny to argue with Steven, me and Steven to argue and for me to eventually argue with Jonny! I just can't work her out. Any ideas?

The Car Booty

2009-03-29T06:32:00.000-07:00

So as part of the 'Yes' plan I went to the Car boot sale today and did a bit of shopping. I know what you are thinking, just too cool for words but I actually got a few bargains I'm going to show you! I also got a dress but it's already in the wash so I'll add that photo later.

The boots are from New Look, from £30 to £15 and even though I just bought some tassley ankle boots I find it so hard to fit boots I bought them anyway. Also, £15 is a good bargain for boots anyway. I also got foundation for £1 from Wilkinsons which is actually a really good shade for my skin, as well as a anti-persperint for 78p yayy. The best bargain was this 'Royal Jelly' set from Boots which I got at the Car booty... only £1 which is amaaaazing value. It's sealed so defianetly hasn't been used and its within sell by date so I'm mega happy! I'll upload the dress soon ;) hope you are all keeping well! x

The "Yes" Plan

2009-03-25T03:10:00.001-07:00

For the next two weeks I'm going to have a "Yes" week. Not just because I recently watched 'The Yes Man' (which, incidentally wasn't that good of a film) but because I'm sick of saying no because I can't be bothered or want to keep my money. Lifes about living, and I don't want to regret my life; you can't take your money with you.

So... Everytime a decent opportunity comes up I'm going to go for it. So far, I've been talked into drinking a litre of alcopop finished off by a dirty pizza. To follow is a meal at an Indian restaurant, I've booked tickets to see Chicago the musical, go for an Italian meal with my boyfriend and go out for a pub crawl with a few friends. Also somebody rang up asking for more blood in a few more months so I had to say yes haha. It actually feels very liberating, so I hope that everybody reading this goes for it! Try it for one week, honestly you won't regret it. Tomorrow is a car boot sale and bingo at the working mans club which I'm really looking forward to in all their lameness, so I best get some sleep to be up and ready for a more interesting day than usual! x

Giving Blood

2009-03-21T01:37:00.001-07:00

Hello everybody :).

Yesterday I gave blood yayyy so I can feel all proud of myself now. The thing that was stopping me the most was fear of the unexpected so I'll fill you in on all the details!

Me, my sister , B, (who was turning 17 yesterday so finally allowed to do it), my boyfriend Steven, and his friend, Frazer, all went down yesterday. There was a desk at the front of the entrance with an angry looking women who barked to come back later in an appointment time. So after gorging on cakes, sandwiches and drinking lots of fluids like they tell you (what an excuse!) we came back.

First of all we had to fill out our details to make sure our blood was safe and then go into a private room to check through the answers. My boyfriend went first and got rejected as he'd had a tattoo in the past six months and I must admit a secret part of me was hoping I'd fail the little pin prick test to check if your haemoglobin (...or something...) levels were OK. How bad is that?! Finally it was my turn where I got interrogated by four nurses because I'd had a recent blood test but finally I was allowed. The prick itself hurt a little in your finger but it wasn't bad.

Waiting in the Que I really wanted to run out the door - especially when half way through Frazer's giving blood he turned white and his eyes rolled back in his head. He'd fainted before enough blood had been given so he had to have his discarded so all that worry was for nothing too! It was so scary watching it; all the nurses rushed over and made a massive fuss like an episode of E.R or something so I was getting more and more nervous.

"Don't worry, I've given blood sixteen times without problems" the woman in the seat next to me said since I was clearly eyeing up the exit door suspiciously. She did go on to tell me how both her brother and boyfriend fainted too though so I was still nervous. My sister who was already on one of the beds was having problems too as they couldn't find a vein, so it took so long I ended up having mine done before hers.

I had a problem with veins too; apparently both mine and my sisters were so thin it was hard to find a vein that was wider than the needle. The needle only hurt a little, but you can get a general anaesthetic if you don't want to feel it, but I didn't really see the point as you need a needle to put the general anaesthetic in anyway. After that it was fine apart from my blood pressure was so low I set off the alarm tons of time along with my sister. In the end my needle kept on having to get twisted and my sisters needed to be pressed in. I did feel a tiny bit dizzy but not much and all the other nurses bar the first one was lovely, and after she got our blood she was nice too EVENTUALLY haha. We got made to have some juice and a biscuit to get our blood feeling OK again, and even though we were both so exhausted we went to bed at half 8 it felt really good to have given blood. I was on such a high! I would do it again because other than the major nervousness the actual giving blood wasn't even bad.

I feel fine now the day after so I really would recommend it. Even Frazer who fainted wanted to give it another go and he was totally fine after some juice. You have to wait 4 months before you can give it again so it's not for a while now anyway. I'll add some more photos at the bottom to give you an idea of what its like which my sister took. Let me know if I've helped/influenced anyone in making their choice! x

Below: I took this photo this morning... if you look carefully you can see the pink on my wrist even though I got it done last night!

Above: What it looked like after the plaster was taking off - only a tiny pin prick.Above: a delightful photo of the needle in the community centre. The flooring is done for! Hehe.

Baltic and Prostitution...

2009-03-15T10:57:00.000-07:00

Hello everybody :).
Sorry that I haven't been online for a while updating, I feel a bit neglectful! But in between my recent working and playing hard I've failed in my attempt to win in the war of the computers with my family. How anyone can spend nine and a half hours on ebay and facebook is beyond me.

My studies have been ok (may as well start with the boring). My English teacher made me do a written timed assignment and I got the best mark in the class, surprisingly as I left 20mins early to go to the dentist. Ok, ok, it was to meet a friend at the train station but I dont think that would have gelled as easily. He said I had "natural talent" and was an "obvious 'A' candidate". I'm not going to lie; it made me feel all fuzzy and happy inside. Probably to the sickening noticeability of everybody else, but hey it rarely happens so I got a little secretly excited!

To equal this out however the rest of my day was very depressing. First of all, someone stood on a pidgeon which had no legs in the Town Centre. Some people think that they're just vermin, but I'm a softie for animals so it was very depressing. It had "please take me home, I'll try not to poo on your bed" eyes. I know my cat would be like NOM in 3 seconds - and it probably had STDs or something. But still. I tried to pick it up to the disgust of everyone else and it tried to bite me. The love was there somewhere though I'm sure.
To brighten the mood we went to the Baltic art gallery which had the most amazing Pop Art theme last time I went. I loved it, so I went along with my friend and of course the subject this time was 'Violence to women'. So this featured:
1) A screening of 'Rape'
2) Loads of videos featuring a womans' body part such as her feet etc. with flies over so it looked like she was dead. This included a zoom in on her "woman areas" for a BIG amount of time. I giggled just to break the silence and was escorted out.
3) A maze where I walked into the glass walls seven times.
4) A jelly woman cut into boxes.
It was horrible to be honest, I guess it presented something which should be highlighted in society, especially as 50% of people actually think it's ok to hit a woman. What is wrong with you people? Nobody should be hitting anyone, but er, ok.

Finally to top of the fun of the day my friend, Kemi, got a phone call from her other friend saying her friends Mum had just died. She'd had a tumour on the brain for years, but obviously she must have been devastated. I trailed back so depressed I ate an entire block of cheese.

Yesterday was alot better; I went drinking with my boyfriend, Steven, his friend Sean and his girlfriend Natalie. The thing I don't get about them is that if you look at them they look so in love. They're really affectionate all the time; he helps her out the car, he buys her drinks and whispers things in her ear. But all the time he's cheating on her with the occasional prositute and she's none the wiser. It's so strange to see how things can be perceived and the reality behind it. Apparently it's ok to cheat if you dont get sex in your own relationship rather than just work out the problems first. But hey ho. I guess you can never take for granted that just because someones in a relationship they're off the market. It was a nice drink but we had to leave early as we got I'D and Natalie had forgot to bring hers. You might be wondering, don't you feel like telling her? I would make Steven lose all his friends if I did as he wasn't supposed to tell me, and to be honest I don't want to get trapped in all the drama. I don't know, I think if anyone should tell her it should be him anyway, and me and Natalie aren't exactly close so I'm not even sure she would believe me.
Hope you are all doing well :), I'll update soon x x x

Running In The Rain and Blog Suggestions

2009-03-04T04:22:00.001-08:00

I was very surprised to find that Jo (who has recently split up with her boyfriend, and is usually very emotional afterwards) was totally fine mood-wise. In fact she didn't cry once on our full run, I'm so happy that she's handling it so well. It was so dark because there's no lamposts along the coast (!) and bloody freezing as we had to stop every 20 seconds for Jo to catch her breath. We were soaking off all the rain so it was quite funny coming home and sitting on black sacks.

Anyhoo, I've decided to do a blog on every suggestion I get, no matter how ridiculous/personal. I'm also taking some from friends etc. so if you feel like it comment and in time I'll do it 0:)
So far I've been asked to do these:

Make a photoblog of my day (from Beth)
A blog on whats in my bag with a description...that should be interesting haha
Discuss the contraception I use and why
Describe your top three favourite books

That's not really too bad at all, so if you want to challenge me go for it.
Look forward to hearing them x x x

10 things

2009-03-03T09:27:00.001-08:00

I'm sure you've seen these swimming everywhere , so here's 10 facts and confessions from me :)

1) I had a headbrace for a year. Yes, kill me now. The memory still makes me embarrassed , thankfully I only had to wear it in the house.

2) If I could do any job with money not an issue I would own my own kennels with a policy not to put any healthy animal down.

3) I used to go drinking at the weekend down the cliffs with bottles of alcopop in pure charvey style. I miss it.

4) I've cheated in two serious exams in my life. One was for Physics GCSE where I carved formulas on a pencil with a pin. The other English Language where I wrote a plan on my hand. I'm sorry.

5) When the theme tunes for our familys' favourite shows come on we all get up and do the lamest dance we can think of. This is hard to explain to other people as you can imagine haha.

6) I once kissed a girl, but unlike Katy Perry, I didn't like it.

7) Sometimes a tiny little part of me misses being single even though my boyfriend is so great.

8) I have serious issues with people eating. I can't stand people eating quickly, with their mouths open, on buses etc. I know I'm a freak lol.

9) I love the dance machine and going to the fair :)

10) I used to fancy Inspector Morse. Oh dear.

A broken heart...

2009-03-03T08:05:00.000-08:00

I received a call at 10pm whilst lying in bed with my boyfriend the other night. The only people who ever ring is family so I expected it was my Mam asking me a question about the internet, or wondering where I was. It was Jo, so I knew something was wrong as all of my friends are allergic to speaking on the phone (texts are a life saver haha). There was a silence and then a massive sob, "Stephens cheated on me!"

To be honest, I always got a bad vibe off him, he's always seemed a bit weird. You know when you just get a bad feeling? Early into the relationship they split up so he started saying that he was only using her for sex and she meant nothing. She ended up crying hysterically in college only to be going back out with him a week later. He used to be an alcoholic and drug addict, so he's supposed to stay away from all that shit, but he never does. It's hard for people to keep to moderation in those situations anyway so they usually say not to touch it, not that it's ever stopped him. Anyway, this time he cheated on her and didn't have the balls to even tell her - she had to find out from a mutual friend. She's gutted as you would be after dating eachother for a year. I don't know what to do or say though, other than comforting and cliqued stuff. I feel like I should help her feel better in some way, but I know it'll just take time...

The Trivial

2009-03-01T03:47:00.000-08:00

Don't worry- I haven't came over with a weird form of tourettes which is making me write numerous blogs. I just wanted to make a blog on the absolute trivia of my life haha, so here's a completely pointless blog on what I've been up to lately.

My studying as usual has been ok, nothing special although I've missed a few lessons this week. I feel a bit guilty but I just couldn't be bothered. I made it into the Friday lesson for English much to the distaste of Alix - a friend of my English buddy Ashley. I don't know what it is but she has never liked me from day one. I tried being overly nice to her to compensate but she has always been very ignorant so eventually I just gave up. Apparently she does this with people all the time according to Ashley so I just talk to her when completely necessary. Anyway, Alix has a new boyfriend so she has recently been too busy dry humping him in the corridors to rush in to grab a seat next to Ashley as usual. This wouldn't be a problem but all the desks had been moved so that it turned out I was sitting next to Ashley and she was sitting on a table by herself. She was so pissed off when she came in she didn't talk for the full lesson and stormed off at the end. Ashley said she was sorry and she didn't realise the tables had been moved but Alix was having none of it. As I write this out I can't help but feel how childish it seems, but I really don't try to aggravate her.

Yesterday I went out to a bar where I nearly got drop kicked in the face with some men 'pole dancing'. Oh dear. It was nice to see everybody although Beth left early saying she was tired but to be honest she really didn't seem up for it. I got there late and Jo was already a little miffed that she had been trying to talk to Beth all night only to get luke warm responses. I had a good laugh with Jo and Roz where we decided we would go running together which I know will be absolutely hilarious as we're all so, so bad at it. Becca started getting annoyed as she wanted to go clubbing, but nobody could be assed or was dressed for it so I was brutally forced to dance in the bar with nobody else dancing. Jo eventually saved me with an amused smile printed on her face. Good times, good times.
Today I'm seeing the boyfriend and I have my full pit of a room to tidy so I'll write later :) x x x

You Are What You Eat

2009-03-01T03:21:00.000-08:00

I've had a revelation! Well, sort of.

My normal weight without dieting etc. had always been 8 st 5 until I changed my contraceptive pill (for medical reasons) which made me a constant of 9st 3. I was a little bothered by it but lack of motivation etc. I ended up accepting it. Anyway, about three times a week at least I make a special effort to see one friend each (then usually do a group thing for the weekend) but because I'm on such a budget I've just been going to the same pizza place. I know, I know... Pizza is bad three times a week but at £3 it's all I could afford *shifty look*. Places like Nandos that sell stuff like chicken and salads usually work out to be £12 at least which is a distant dream for me haha. Before I knew it my weight had crept up to 9st 8 - I was gutted - because of my height of 5"2 this is basically making me borderline overweight. Just knowing that this is so much larger than what I should be made me feel so guilty. My former self a few years back would never ever have let me get like this. It's been two weeks and I've managed to get back down to 9st 3, but now I'm going to try go the full hog and back down to 8st5.

For inspiration I've bought the You Are What you Eat books but before I've always been put off by price of ingrediants and the thought they will taste like absolute crap and a waste of money. But in my new mindset I brutally forced myself to try them. They were amazing!!! I was so surprised something so healthy could taste so, so good. I made a Sweet Potatoe Soup for starters and for main I made chicken with coriander, spinach, ginger, garlic, mushroom and beansprouts. I was so surprised it's really inspired me to really try to eat like this all the time (so the plan goes for now...there's still a pizza in the fridge...). I've managed to stick to it so far today although it's before dinner time so I haven't really been tested just yet. I've already had porridge, I'm going to attempt poached eggs and spinach for dinner and for tea I might make the soup again so the ingrediants don't go to waste.

Wish me luck!

Giving Blood

2009-02-25T01:59:00.000-08:00

Some of you may have noticed on the news this week a story headlining about the inadequacies of the NHS system regarding blood transfusion.

In this day and age, people have contracted such diseases as HIV because they have had infected blood transfused into them mostly from USA jails containing massive rates of disease. Why? Because it was cheaper. Somehow money always wins out to basic safety and I'm absolutely appalled such a thing could happen.

On this note, I've decided to donate blood, and I hope that others consider it too. I know many people who've given birth, had a nasty operation or for other reasons needed a transfusion, and I'm sure you do too. This could easily have been one of them.

<3

2009-02-15T14:16:00.001-08:00

Hiya,
Todays blog is going to be about Valentines day so if you're on the verge of pushing the next happy couple you see down the stairs I suggest you stop reading!

I had a lovely Valentines day with my boyfriend, Steven, although I never expected to as I've been fighting alot with my parents lately and it was really getting me down. I was curling my hair, trying really hard not to cry and he just totally turned my mood around. He'd bought candles to make it seem romantic, ordered out a film, wrote some lovely things in my card, made me a prawn salad and lovely roast meal and we had strawberries to dip into chocolate afterwoulds. Everything was perfect and even though Valentines is so horribly commercialised it made me appreciate how lovely he really is. We also made his Dad a meal too as he's alone this Valentines (sadly his wife died of cancer a few years ago) and I'm really glad we did as it must be so shit for those who have broken hearts. It's so easy to get carried away in your own happiness to appreciate what others are going through.

My biggest worry at the moment is deciding what University to apply for. How miniscule is that in comparison? It's still stressing me out though. I got offers for every course and Uni that I applied to although I didn't think I would. I can't decide between the two; one I felt totally comfortable at, it's a good university and I liked the course (English and History Dual). The other Uni is by far more respectable, I'd be more likely to get a job but I'd have to do a summer course, take on an extra subject as they do their combined subjects in threes (English, History and Politics) and it didn't feel as comfortable. I'm fighting between sense and heart, I know I should give myself the best education, but I did that before with Sixth Form and I hated it. What to do? I'm hoping time will be on my side and make it a more clear decision.

My boyfriend has also decided to apply for University on a Building Surveying course as he was recently made redundant and it's proving literally impossible. He was one year shy of the full qualification of third year, but hopefully the second year will be enough to let him on. He has one university choice, one course, and I can't help but feel jealous of his clear cut decision. I wish I had a time machine to see in the future if I took one route to another, sort of sliding doors style. I've been so stressed I bought a beautiful purple dress (it was in a sale for £12! Yayy) to make me happy and I've been eating so much I've went from being underweight to the brink of overweight. I'm literally two pounds off! How on earth did this happen? I'm going to blame the implant I recently had (ok ok, maybe my cake eating) but I want to get it taken out anyway as it's giving me bad skin and I'm on my periods constantly which is proving difficult in relationship-wise. I'll let you know how that goes.

Oh yes, I got my first follower recently! Thanks so much I feel very happy and honoured, like I've won a good award it means so much to me, it really made my day.. I was thinking that I didn't want to scare them off, but had no idea of knowing what they liked didn't like. I was on somebodys blog and they actually had this ticky-box thing after every blog which said 'More of this' or 'Less of this'. How fab! Could anyone tell me where to find such a tool on blogging? x

:( The shame...

2009-02-07T11:51:00.000-08:00

I'm going to share with you one of my most painfully cringeworthy moments to date... So be nice!

I'm currently spending the weekend at my boyfriends house as I'm not getting on so well with my parents at the moment. Everything was going well, I've been quiet enough not take over the house, I made his Dad a cup of tea, chatted to his brother. I was feeling pretty good...
UNTIL....
Well, I was wearing my nice comfy pink checked pj's and as I was taking them off to change into my jeans I spotted it. Not that it was hard to spot if you had any view of my backside whatsoever. I would use the word hole but that would be a complete understatement - it was the biggest massive right-across-my-ass-crack rip.
What happened?? Did I bend over and my ass got exciteable with my recent weight gain and tried a bid for escape.. but got stuck in the seams? The horrible, horrible shame.
I have clearly been showing my ass to everybody in the household in the most obvious clear way ever. My boyfriend found it hilarious when I had a freak out, but I'm sure a little part of me has died.
I think I'm going to wear fiver layers of pants from now - surely they can't all rip?

The Old Gang...

2009-02-04T11:46:00.000-08:00

Because me and my sister are just that cool.

The snow has been a particular factor in my 'become a hermit plan'. It's ok going out with my boyfriend as I can just catapult into his car before I'm too cold, but since I'm too poor to take one driving lesson, nevermind run a car, and the buses are evil, I've been contemplating cancelling plans this week. But as some of you know one of my plans was to go to a meal with some old school friends including two girls, Beth and Cary, who hadn't been out for ages so I begrudingly went.

It was actually a good evening, everybody looked great, the food was great, the talking was great etc.

The only problem is, and please tell me I'm not the only one - does anyone else have friends that talk about their boyfriends as if they have golden poos?

My friend Cary I'm quite sure heavy breathes when the topic of her boyfriend drops into converation. Which is all the time - she is constantly chucking him in there for us to appreciate. Don't get me wrong, I'm not some bitter old cat lady who perves on the neighbours for a good time, I have a great relationship with my guy. I really do love him but unlike Cary I don't suddenly form tourettes which makes me swear out boyfriend topics, and I don't show photos of him in the bath, in his new clothes, kissing me, when he's at college etc and truly believe everyone is finding the conversation rivating. Also, she compared him to the blonde one off Superbad and Juno who I have loved forever and she has now crushed it. Noooo!

I might sound cruel, but I make a point of not talking about boyfriends too much as it really is a bit boring as all you can say is 'Awww' and 'That's nice' otherwise you sound nasty and bitter or too keen - like "Mmmmm he's so dreamy, yeah Cary I know what you mean..... Mmmm" which I doubt would go down so well haha.

I try to look interested at first, but soon I'm distracted looking at her perfectly formed hair, or the man who's chatting up a woman on the other table and I know she's is getting pissy about it. "Oi, Emmmmmaaaaa" she says over dramatically (everything is over dramatic about Cary, which is actually part of her appeal...Most of the time). Hallelujah! A topic change! I jump in "You're hair looks lovely" in the hope she is distracted, and because her hair really is nice and I want to find about how she did it. But alas, poor Yorick - "Reallllly, well I just threw it up, my boyfriend helped me" and it begins again.

Ok, maybe I am a bit of a cat lady. Don't worry about the neighbours though, I don't want to scar myself with the image of them......ergh. I have already heard them too many times through the wall.

A Good Mood

2009-01-30T04:29:00.000-08:00

Hello!
I'm in a really good mood today despite that I'm snotting all over as I write. Not just because I'm a bit minging like that but because I have inevitably got the cold my Mam had. I just have to be in the same room as someone ill and I'll have the same thing a week later. Thank god this doesn't seem to happen with STDS otherwise I'd be in trouble haha.

I think having an excuse not to get out of bed is great, and also I got two new items of clothing in the post which I love, love, love! Yep I feel it was necessary to write that three times haha. I will upload them later but my mobile has been sent away today to get unlocked.

Oh guess what, I keep on jinxing myself with whatever I write in this blog. It's very creepy. Whatever I say is not going to happen like, ever, seems to happen a few days after I write it. Some of you might remember a blog or so ago I wrote about some friends that never bother to keep in touch or arrange anything and I was finally giving up. Strangely enough, Kat has arranged for the full group to go to a meal, very unlike her, and Bex is coming along although she usually never bothers. So on this note, gee I don't think I'm going to win the lottery...

I'll let you know if that worked...

Also I got my job back today which I got fired from. I missed a few work shifts because I wasn't told about them so I was fired by letter, yay. Anyway I handed in my uniform last week at the office but my Boss rings me up today saying she never fired me she just wanted to know where I was. The letter said "You have seven days to resign, or we'll take it that you've left and will have to dismiss you permanently". But er, ok. To be fair my work is a place where I'm sure dreams die, but money never comes my way often so probably best I take it back up. To give you an insight into the glamourous world of me I work part time in a "kiosk" which means a glorified mcdonalds that doesn't smell sell chips. I just wrap hot dogs, move pies about, occasionally go on the till, handle abuse from rowdy drunks and generally want to fling myself out of the closest window. Soo, I was wondering, who out there reading this has officially the worst job ever and can make me feel better about mine? Go for it!

Quote for the week :)

2009-01-27T13:01:00.000-08:00

Here's a quote from singer Adelle on receiving freebie clothes:
"I've given up on them. They come in a size 8 max. I'm like 'Well that's one leg sorted'"
I nearly peed a little on the bus when I read it.

Letting Go Of The Old

2009-01-26T15:58:00.000-08:00

I'm sure I'm not the only person who hates to lose people they were once so close to. We all have people who were once special to us, but for some reason or other we're lucky if we see them once a year. It happens gradually; you start to see eachother less, you bump into eachother and say you're going to make an effort, but it never happens.

My usual story is that I end up doing all the chasing. For example, I once had a best friend, Cary, a few years back who started to hang around with the 'popular' people. I didn't really mind at first, I was happy that she had extra friends as I had my own too, and I knew we were still tight. After time though she stopped making time for our group of friends and only wanted to hang around with them. I couldn't understand it, surely she could make the time for both of our groups, just as everybody else did? Of course she had the time, but sometimes you can't force something that somebody doesn't want anymore. It hurt to be rejected, I tried talking, trying to make an extra go. It annoyed me that she wouldn't bother for a month and then she'd ring me up as if we'd only talked a few hours ago and she'd ask if I wanted to go out. Cary considered herself too busy to arrange things like meals etc and getting everbody together and thought it was totally fine to expect me to always do it. At first I didn't mind, but as time went by and the texts always started 'I want to go out clubbing, could you invite everybody', it got to the stage where I thought why bother? Looking back I was so desperate for it to work and we had such a good time when she finally came out I just kept on making up for her lack of effort. It wasn't that I didn't have other friends, I had loads of really good caring ones, but just that we used to be so close was enough to make me do all the running. I still get the odd text.

This pattern follows on through a multitude of friendships. Most recently was Beth, a good friend for the past 8 years. She would always complain she was stuck in the house on her blog, and as I hadn't seen her for a while I thought I'd make the effort. We went on a walk and it was really fun, so we arranged to meet up in a few days to go shopping. I was woken up by my phone ringing and a stroppy Bex on the other side.
"Where are you?" She fumed.
I looked at the watch, it was 9am (!) but we weren't meeting until 1pm.
"Errr in bed... Why were are you?" A horrible panic began forming in my stomach.
"Standing outside where we're supposed to be meeting, thanks alot"
I'm sure that we arranged for 1pm, so I tried to make her believe me, and that I could meet her in 30mins and make it up to her. She was obviously very annoyed which I understood, but after alot of apologizing she refused to see me and went home. I tried messaging her online (where she had nicely posted messages to my close friends telling them of how I'd forgot about her and left her there on purpose) to apologize. I tried to invite her out and promised I would be on time and that it was a mistake. Somehow she was always busy with her new friends. After a while it finally dawned on me, there wasn't much more I could do about the situation, she was only a 10 minute walk from home anyway, I had apologised alot more than once, and all the time she was obviously not budging. It was nearly a year ago, and she still hasn't been free to see me, but she never invites me out to things when she does have the money. The only exception was her birthday in which I was given less than a days notice and had no money and I think she still holds it against me.

Today, my friend came into Town just to see me and have dinner with me, and she walked all the way to work with me after our lessons to hand in my uniform, then walked me to the bus stop (which took like 2 hours). I insisted she didn't as I felt pretty sly because so much walking was involved, but she said I was a friend and that she didn't mind because she'd know I'd do it for her. When I think of Beth though, I dont think this would ever happen, although maybe it would have (and did) once upon a time.

My new resolution from now on is that I'm not going to jump through hoops to stay good friends with people if they aren't making any effort back. It's hard to say, and I know I might sound a few sneaky texts just to see how she's doing as I do with all of my friends, but I'm going to stop making all the effort. Ha, I sound like such a loser. I swear I'm not a cat lady - I really do have friends that I see alot! But seriously, if you let people take advantage, sometimes even your closest friends will take the opportunity. Let me know what you think... Anyone else in a similar situation?

Eat the cake already!!

2009-01-25T05:07:00.000-08:00

Life is depressing when you are the fattest in your group of friends (by far) and you're a British size 10. What is WRONG with you people? As all of them bar one are dancers, and the other has the best metabolism ever - bitch - I can't help but feeling a bit bad about myself. Just a little.

To be honest, I usually feel totally happy with my weight now , but once upon a time I was the complete opposite. I had always been aware of my weight and as time went by I began to think I was too fat, although now looking back I was a complete rake. I was convinced I weighed much more than I actually did; clothes dropped off me as I was sure that I couldn't fit into the smaller size and I was always breathing in my actually flat stomach. I loathed shopping as it meant seeing how horrible I looked in clothes, I hated my photo being taken in case people laughed, and it didn't help I was always bullied from an early age.

I was horribly shy so I'd never stick up for myself, and I hated talking to new people because I was scared people would laugh at my teeth which were slightly crossed over. They would often call me names and try to intimidate me for a laugh and even when I went to the teachers nothing was ever done. They generally chipped what little confidence I had, and as I moved to another school I felt so shy I made no friends in any of my classes although I did manage to in the other classes. It wasn't long though until a group of bullies became interested in making our friendship groups' lives living hell. Alongside this I became to develop bad acne and was often told it was because I was dirty even though I washed everyday. I felt so disgusting and low. I was too ashamed to tell my parents, I felt that somehow what they said was true and I deserved it.

Things began to look up; I got some medication at the doctors for my spots and a private dentist agreed to fix my teeth (the NHS wouldn't as they weren't bad enough) and I joined a dancing class. It felt good to be taking steps forward to feel better about myself. Boys were finally starting to notice me and not just because they wanted to bully me. I was also doing good at school and I got on well with the teachers and they began to look out for me if people tried to bully me in the classroom. I made some good friends that introduced me to people outside of school and I finally felt like I belonged.

I would like to say that from then on life was great, but I made the mistake of going to a sixth form where everybody knew eachother from comprehensive as they had just continued on and I had moved schools. It was me, my friend, her boyfriend and his friend. I've never been anywhere quite like it, it was so cliqued. Additionally looks were everything and weight was a constant subject within the classroom. My friend was particularly affected by this as she was slightly overweight and the subject of food never seemed to leave the conversation. At the time, although I didn't know it, she having problems in her relationship with her boyfriend. He never wanted to have sex with her and she later told me she was convinced it was because of her weight. I needed little encouragement to be sucked into the topic as I felt so low and the thoughts of weight had always lingered in the back of my mind. Together we were always competing; Who'd eaten the least? Who went to the gym the most? Who did the most excersise? What were our ideals weights? Etc. Etc... I began limiting what I ate dramatically to a 23cal salad for dinner and then eating as little as possible on the night. I'd try to work out as much as I could and I'm ashamed to admit I began searching diet forums. I joined many 'Ana' sites - Anorexia websites aimed mostly at female teenagers. I made many online diet buddys and we'd constantly talk about our days of eating. We would text eachother if we felt we were going to binge and we'd even ring eachother up. I took photos of myself to carry around. I was disgusted I felt so fat and they acted as the push I needed. Added to this, my friend at school became increasingly difficult. She was annoyed I was losing weight and she wasn't. She'd go on about how I had everything so lucky; how I had a great boyfriend, how I was pretty and talented. Other times she'd make bitchy jokes about my clothes and the way I ate. Her boyfriend would often tease me jokingly, but she would take it to a new level until I was at breaking point. Eventually I was determined to leave school and go to college.

I can honestly say that college changed my life. It was such a friendly atmosphere, I made friends within the first week and I completely flourished. I became one of the loudest people in my history class, I made a big group of friends in English and I always had people to hang around with. When I told them I was bullied they couldn't believe it, and it felt good to know I wasn't a freak anymore. The teachers asked to talk to my parents as I was convinced that I was going to fail and they told them that I could easily get the highest grade possible. I was finally starting to believe in myself. I got a job and made good friends in my work station and I was amazed at how nice people could be if you put yourself out there. I finally felt good about myself and began to eat normally. My boyfriend particularly helped as he constantly told me I was beautiful and he encouraged me to eat more. He thought being too skinny was horrible and it was very refreshing to hear.

Gradually I got to a completely healthy weight. I feel confident to talk to new people and things that I would never dreamed of doing I can now do without a moments thought. Of course, I still have days where I feel ugly or fat, but now I understand everbody has bad days. I'd like to share with you one of the photos of my legs which I used in order to starve myself down to a low weight. I've picked my legs as this is where I store most of my weight by far (you would probably throw up if you seen my jutting hip bones and concave stomach in the other one anyway lol). This is very hard for me to do, so please if you're going to leave brutally harsh comments think twice as it has took alot of time to build myself up. When I look it now I'm amazed I thought I was overweight and this could put me off eating for days. Sorry it's the wrong way round, me and computers hmmm haha. I'd just like everybody out there who is conscious of your weight to know that as long as your healthy that's all that matters. Thinning myself down just made me grumpy and it was never enough. I looked terrible and it didn't make me one bit happier... I dont think it would make you any happier either.

Title for a blog...

2009-01-17T07:12:00.000-08:00

I'm more than aware how utterly boring my title is. I can't think of anything though that really explains me in a blog. So far I've mostly just babbled about makeup, but I don't want to limit myself like that as I plan to write about alot of stuff over time. Ideas anyone??

You ARE a sexy women! ...And don't let anyone tell you otherwise!

2009-01-15T04:54:00.000-08:00

Unlike alot of media showing the 'apparent' world of women, we're more than aware that not everyone is a six foot five, size zero model with flawless skin juggling a wild life of parties, job fulfillment, relationship success, fantastic friendships and sporting the top fashions. Contrary to the perfection the media expects us to reach for, the truth is we can only be the best we personally can be, and this will differ for everyone.It about time we started loving ourselves! I'm not saying go crazy, burn all your makeup, clothes and hair appliances and start growing your armpit hair, but that as long as you're healthy and make the most of what you have to work with, you shouldn't let anyone elses preconceptions hold you back. Women range vastly; the most common shape for a woman is in fact a pear shape (storing most weight on your legs and bum, and little on boobs, arms and stomachs), but strangely enough we are expected to be skinny everywhere and have massive breasts! Who has cellulite? Who has stretch marks covering their bums? 90% of women do, (dont go leafing through your magazines to see if this is true as most of the photos are airbrushed to within an inch of their lives), and you shouldn't feel bad because of this.

I bet everyone reading this can relate to the images of these celebrity women looking worse for wear. I look like that every morning, and I can't count the amount of unglamourous photos of me, but thankfully I have more discretion than these women are given. So if they can look as good as the images on the right after some makeup and photoshop we all can. They will look at those photos and wish they looked like that, never mind us!

Check this out:

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=iYhCn0jf46U

I think that summed up everything to be honest.

Scrimping n' Saving

2009-01-13T09:02:00.001-08:00

I'm sure alot of you are suffering the financial strains of the economical crisis at the moment...I've been working hard to save my pennies! I think that it's paying off :) Some of the things I've been doing is turning off all the plugs, wearing extra coats rather than turning on the heating and other such boring solutions. But more interestingly is my more creative list hehe:

* Using one tea bag between 3 cups... We drink alot of tea ok! Haha

* Charity shopping for clothes. I've picked up tons but it takes alot of dedication and trawling through a load of crap. I think it pays off more though because it's sooo much cheaper and I've been getting decent brands (River Island, Warehouse) and the stuff is in excellent condition. I feel nice too because it's for a good cause and I'm getting a total bargain so it's a win-win situation!

* Ebay. I've bought a ton of presents and clothes on here (I know.. Clearly a shopping addiction haha). I've noticed that if I look at stuff that's got the photo the wrong way round it seems noone can be bothered to save it to the computer and turn it the right way other than me who clearly has more dedication (or is that time....) and I got some fab stuff. This has included a River Island dress with the most gorgeous embroidery ever for...£3.50!!!!!! Oh my lord.

* Getting my hair done my family/friends. I pay for the dye which was a fiver rather than the usual £40 and then they do my hair and I do them a favour like make their dinner, or help them use the computer. If you dont have a friend or family member who's a hairdresser (My Mum is convienently one) befriend one now!

* whatsmineisyours.com This is a FAB site! I bet everybody reading this has stuff in their house they never use, like clothes, unwanted xmas pressies etc. If you take a photo and write a description (all for free!) then you can swap your items for stuff you'd want on this site. It feels like getting a present through the door, is a great way to declutter and it means you're getting something good in return yay! Here's what I got in return for a key chain:

The person I swapped with loved what they got, and I love love love this purse and bracelet!

*Sales - make a vow to yourself now you will never ever buy full price again. If you want a cardigan, then check round all the cheaper places you wouldn't normally consider, and you'll be amazed at what you can find in the sales. Also, if you're buying stuff like electrical goods shops are very varied in price! Including a search on the internet can bring up stuff so much cheaper too like play.com and Ebay.

*All in the packaging... If you buy gifts for people, especially things like earrings and put them in a nice box rather than just giving them in the high-street packet they come in it can make it look like you paid alot more than you actually did, which is always good!

*Sharing a bath with your other half...What an excuse!!

*Checking out your local area for free things that are happening. I lately went on an eleven mile walk with my family and had a great time getting out there and spending some quality time together. Some of the things happening where I live were the boxing day dip (running into the sea on Boxing day for charity...ouch!), live bands etc. - I'm sure you'll find stuff just as good too!

*Look through the newspaper for special deals for eating out. They can save a small fortune which can be used towards something else. And food always tastes nicer when you know it's on a special deal ;) hehe.

These are only a few that I can think of at the moment haha. Let me know what you do to save money! Would love to hear it and get some ideas!

My new makeup '120 Pro Palette' from Ebay!!

2009-01-13T08:21:00.000-08:00

Hiya everybody! Thanks for checking out this blog, hope you enjoy reading it :). Or at least get a laugh out of my misfortunes that will no doubt come up haha.

This blogs going to be mostly about my attempts to use my new makeup '120 pro-palette' from Ebay (the only place I've seen it as it needs to be imported from Hong Kong):

Yayyy! I was a bit worried as some people receive palettes with some of the colours kind of crushed off all the shipping, but mine was in perfect condition. As you can tell from this photo though I've already managed to smash one! They're really good because they're soooo pigmented and each of the colours I'd say was about the size of a 2p piece. Mine cost £10.50 altogether including postage and packaging and I would say it was well worth it for the money!

Anyhoo, lately I've been just sort of experimenting with the colours such as trying this look (yep had to fling a bit of Lauren Luke in there I just love her tutorials!):

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=AXXTcfOrqT0

I know, it's crazy isn't it? I wore it out clubbing and I got so many compliments. Lately though I've been thinking about what colours would actually suit me as I have very pale skin and blue eyes when I came across this statement on the net:

"..Obviously blue on blue eyes wouldn't work and we don't need to tell you that matching your makeup to your outfit is so '80s - imagine the horror if you were wearing black and red.."

Yep you guessed it, I had matched my eyes to my outfit for that day... AND I was wearing black and red. The shame....

They suggested this though:

Apparently you're supposed to find your eye colour and then use all the opposite colours to make your eyes stand out. I'd say my eyes were most like the 'powder blue' colour, but what does that mean in reference to this chart?? That I should use the mint/salmon/lemon/pink or the really extreme opposite of my eye colour like the dark ones at the end like maroon? Ahhh I think I shall stick to matching colours to my outfit, I think it will be easier for the makeup challenged like myself haha :(. If anybody finds a good guide on the internet, or has any advice then please let me know!

(Edit: For more updates on the pro palette and to see the rest of my blog, go to