I told Steven he doesn't make enough effort to see me, he promised he would and so far has made time to see me Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday. On Sunday we watched a Beautiful Mind and he made me cry by making a cutting remark which hit a nerve because my Mam always says it. Then yesterday (Tues) I gave him a blowjob and a handjob after we settled down with fish and chips. I slept over and he's went out twice already, once to walk the dog, then out with his Dad going down shields to buy a game. Pretty bored now, but going home v. soon thank god. Got to walk Molly but he wants to see me again as well, he's one extreme to the other. xxx

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So I'm going to start blogging mine and Stevens sex life. Noone knows who I am on this blog so I don't have to worry about being judged and its a good way to get things off my chest. I came round Stevens at 8pm to sleep over, we watched Sexy Beast (was okay) and then Steven had had only 4 hours of sleep so we hit the hay at 12pm. When we woke up the idea was to have a work day, but I had a driving lesson and we just messed around the whole time. He wasn't being wayy too much like he usually is and I actually really felt in the mood for sex. He was really turned on so we had to stop a few times to avoid him coming but then we both had a good orgasm :).

Wow so I'm not going to go through any of my past blogs for fear of how crazy cat ladyish I probably sound :'). The thing is, I never update this blog unless I'm going through some sort of episode and need to get my feelings out. Noone is reading this so why update on my day when I'll never look through it again? But writing out how I'm feeling allows me to feel chilled so it doesn't matter if I never look at it again. If that makes sense?

It's nearly 12 and I'm tidying my room. I'm starting to not want to go to uni again and have started skiving, so I'm trying to get my life sorted this weekend. Even having plans such as driving is stressing me out :/. I'm supposed to be going to the pub with my boyfriend to chat with his mates, but I can't help think.... I wont have fun and I'll actually be paying to not have fun as my boyfriend doesn't buy my drinks anymore. That's very superficial but that is what I'm honestly thinking. Uni is going better, especially my Eng class as I feel more like I'm fitting in with it all a bit now. Steven wants me to go to Northumbria open day with me (which he did for me last year) but the thought of going around on the open day will be totally shitty. I guess I should do it for him as he did it for me, but can't help but think I'm so uber busy with work that I should be spending it actually doing something worthwhile. I don't know :/. Being organised is the only way I seem to be able to function, so I guess I'll just work on that.
Ciao for now xxxx

I hate you so much right now.............

Surprisingly Katie made an effort to have a night clubbing with me yesterday. I didn't know whether I wanted to come as I haven't exactly been friends with her for a long time as she's so unreliable but I'm really glad that I did now. She still talks ALOT about herself, but I realised that I missed her alot. More than anything she gave me the closure I have needed for a long time that it wasn't me she had the problem with, but that she was too wrapped up in her boyfriend. She admitted that she didn't have many friends left which I kind of guessed she couldn't be bothered to see anybody before. We had a really long chat (me her and jo), mostly centering around her and how shes kind of seeing this guy and despite sleeping with him twice nothing more has happened. After we sat and chilled in Beach bar where she promised she was going to make a big effort with me which was really nice to hear. We went into Glitterball after where we had a really good dance; it was super busy but there was loads of choice in music and I felt better than I had in a long time :). I bumped into the waitress who works at a restaurant I aleways visit as it's so cheap which just tells you how much I must go there :'). I also seen a girl from my old dancing class off years ago and Jonny's brother who we danced with for a while which was really great as I usually see nobody that I know.

Steven, bless his cotton socks, picked us up at 2am and I secretly wanted Katie and Jo to give him money for the petrol but he was such a gentleman he wouldn't take anything. I was really tired and happy to be cuddled into bed with him. He woke me up wanting sex and it has been a while but I really wasn't in the mood (something to do with drinking a jug of cocktails the night before....?) but I still did. I had a very lazy morning and he dropped me at mine, we had a cup of tea and then he parted ways. I decided to try to make a work on my essay which has been giving me panic atttacks all week and sorted out the structure. Also, I uploaded a video for youtube which I'm slowly losing hopes with, some mofo keeps on rating my vids 1 star the moment I put them on (maybe one of my 14 subs?) so I went on my other account and specifically rated them 5 stars so it would equal out at 3 so people who stumble across my chanel will at least give it the time of day. I actually think my looks are fine and I should have the same amount of subs as others, but hopefully in time.

My dad who is overweight and eats so quickly it looks as if he's in pain was drinking juice in my ear which was so gross. Everyone in the family secretly slags off how he shovels his food in behind his back; I had about 5 chips to go before I was finished my tea when he began his and he was scraping up before me. Anyways I give him a look like 'ew' for drinking in my ear so gross and he said he would punch me in the face if he were in a restaurant. Um like, wtf how over reacting can you be? He started saying that I was a total immature bitch proper screaming at me and of course everyone else in the family just totally ignored that he was clearly being out of order despite that I always defend them. He's such a dick that I had such a compulsive need to just smack him straight in the back of his head, but of course I just went upstairs eventually. To finish off a fab night I had the shits (oh yes I did just go there hhahaha) and I was going to vent at Steven but instead I wrote to him '<3 you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx' and vented out my anger here, then arranged a party to make me feel better.

I seriouslllly need to sort out my life. Sorry I've been totally neglecting this blog, if anybody is actually reading it, which I doubt :'). I guess that I can write as freely as I want though if I think that nobody is reading and also it helps to calm me down a bit.







Urgh I swear to god I just need a total life overhall. I have so much going for me but at the same time I alway feel like I'm running to keep up with what everybody else seems to find so easy. Maybe I'm still finding my feet in the world, I don't know. Since I moved to Uni there seems to be an endless array of essays that I'm having to do all last minute because I'm constantly behind with another. It's like I always feel on edge as an essay just seems to spring out of nowhere. I seriosuly need to organise. Speaking of, my room is a total shitty mess which is absoultely no fault but my own, so I'm delibertely inviting a group of friends to my house on the 17th of December so it's at least nice and tidy for Xmas as it's the only way I will actually ever tidy it. I usually face the wall when I'm on the laptop to avoid looking at the mess, so I think it seriously needs to be done :').





Also, my parents aren't getting on very well because my Dad never shows any affection to my Mam and they don't have sex anymore. She just can't understand why, and expects me to question him about why he doesn't love her anymore. My Mam really only sees her driving instructor, one friend who's husband has just died, Dad's side of the family (hers live away) and the people who she works for. So obviosuly she can't be going on about her own situation to someone who's in the grieving process, it's unprofessional to talk about it to her instructor or people she works for and she can't exactly slag off her own husband to his family. So by default that leaves me for her to vent every single problem over. I don't want to be harsh and tell her not to unload all her problems on me, but I feel these are problems too big for me to know the answer to. She's so negative as well, there's always a reason for why she can't take steps towards a solution; I suggest maybe it's an actual physical problem, but she dismisses it. Marriage conselling? Not interested. She seems to think beauty and making an effort with yourself equals attraction and that's it, but you could be the most attractive person in the world and this could happen to anybody. It really annoys me that Dad refuses to talk about problems point blank, and just ends up saying spiteful things to avoid answering her. I feel it's mostly Dad's fault as he refuses to talk like a normal human being so that means she has to talk to me instead. She's literally tried everything but he explodes at her other nothing. I really feel like he has depression but male pride will make sure he doesn't do anything about it until he ends up with nothing. Not that I'm saying she is totally free of blame either; she's way too needy, relies on him for everything and she is constantly complainging. On the other hand, Dad shows more affection for the dog than he does for her, so what does he expect? Her to be dancing up and down like everything is great and dandy? I wish things were all happy, but life is just not like that unfortunately.





My friends have also been a problem area lately... Ashley is in a mood as I don't have as much time to see her. I had to cancel twice on her about 2 months back because last minute work came up which I totally coudln't help, and I did arrange to see her another time, but it's as if she is still holding it against me. For her birthday she was typically ignorant and walked off all over the place as if she didn't give a shit if I was there or not, so as this has happened a few times now I finally made the decision to not bother going on clubbing nights out with her anymore. Now that she keeps on asking me to them I have to constantly make excuses which I guess she is probably picking up on, but I know with Ashley she will never let it lie again if I told her the truth. Her full attitude is also the whole 'can't do this', 'can't do that'. She got accepted to a great university down south but she is so reliant on her family she wouldn't move and gave up the chance. When I invited her to my get together and said I'd provide pizza and drink, you think I'd just told her that I was planning to take a poo on her bed. She was actually scared to come down my house as I have a cat and dog, even though I live in the loft so if Molly my overweight (bless her) dog which is at least 12 years old can get up those stairs, I will personally my my shoes. I know that's harsh but I just feel like negative attitudes really bring me down. She's been totally funny with me lately anyway and I'm not that assed if she comes or not, so I don't know why she's acting like the queen or something. I think she's getting a bit big for her boots thinking she owns our group since we always go out together not and because Jo is currently bumming her. I think the best thing is to have a break from facebook to avoid the constant needy instant messages where she tries to force me into going out with her everytime I'm online. Also she is totally crazy about boys and gets obsessive with them after meeting them for 30mins so alongside her neediness I have to also put up with her 'feel sorry for me' pleas too.





Jo is being really annoying lately too - she has bad self confidence anyway, but since she's started dieting she says she's became aware of how big she's gotten. Every night out is her constantly feeling shit about herself and comparing herself to every person in the room which must be horrible for her, but doing this is a recipe for disaster as you're just going to feel terrible about yourself.
^^ God I just wrote tons there and it just cut it all off and crashes. Sorry I cba to write it all up again so bullet point time :)
* It's hard to lose weight, you can't just change your diet/excersise as I know from bitter experience.
* Rebecca is a fruit loop and I shouldn't expect her to change just because I have alot lately.
Ciao!! :D

He's just not that into you

Word of advice: When people tell you about their problems they actually rarely want your advice.

For example, my friend Ashley who is currently single meets some guy in a club, knows him for about 30mins, swaps numbers and comes out disappointed when he ends up messing her around. "He was so genuinely lovely" she says about a guy she met in a taxi que, "We talked for hours" she says dreamily, only to find out that she is talking about facebook which is hardly the most effective way to find out someones intentions. There was the guy she met on a night out, and after he finally arranged to meet up with her (after cancelling tons of times previously which should have been an indicator), he talked to her for 5 mins and claimed he'd left his mobile upstairs... And then never came back. Now it's a guy she talked to in the que, who mentioned offhandedly that he had bad connection, and so this has excused a message she sent to him asking if he wanted to go on a date (even though he's been online), instant messages where he randomly disappears and then total phasing out. But she just can't let it go, there has to be an explanation and it can't be written off, she needs to know. There was a guy with a girlfriend who'd cheated numerous times but she still thought he'd be a good catch. Finally she settled for a guy who was a friend that she had no sexual attraction to, and wondered why it didn't work out.

If only she played it cool and didn't over analyse everything then it wouldn't be so painful when she gets repreatedly disappointed by people that normal girls would not waste an extra breath on. Of course you're going to get disappointed when a guy on a night out is not interested, but you barely know him so by taking it one step at a time it's not going to be as bad. The friend-turned boyfriend- turn frenemy is supposed living proof that no man will work out for her. I don't believe that's true. I really think you need to know a guy first before you jump into a relationship and invest your emotions, but that means dates and time with a guy you fancy, not converting a friendship into something it can never be.

So, if you're scratching your head wondering how relationships never seem to work out, hunni you may need a wakeup call.
Love<3
Em