Eat the cake already!!

Life is depressing when you are the fattest in your group of friends (by far) and you're a British size 10. What is WRONG with you people? As all of them bar one are dancers, and the other has the best metabolism ever - bitch - I can't help but feeling a bit bad about myself. Just a little.



To be honest, I usually feel totally happy with my weight now , but once upon a time I was the complete opposite. I had always been aware of my weight and as time went by I began to think I was too fat, although now looking back I was a complete rake. I was convinced I weighed much more than I actually did; clothes dropped off me as I was sure that I couldn't fit into the smaller size and I was always breathing in my actually flat stomach. I loathed shopping as it meant seeing how horrible I looked in clothes, I hated my photo being taken in case people laughed, and it didn't help I was always bullied from an early age.



I was horribly shy so I'd never stick up for myself, and I hated talking to new people because I was scared people would laugh at my teeth which were slightly crossed over. They would often call me names and try to intimidate me for a laugh and even when I went to the teachers nothing was ever done. They generally chipped what little confidence I had, and as I moved to another school I felt so shy I made no friends in any of my classes although I did manage to in the other classes. It wasn't long though until a group of bullies became interested in making our friendship groups' lives living hell. Alongside this I became to develop bad acne and was often told it was because I was dirty even though I washed everyday. I felt so disgusting and low. I was too ashamed to tell my parents, I felt that somehow what they said was true and I deserved it.



Things began to look up; I got some medication at the doctors for my spots and a private dentist agreed to fix my teeth (the NHS wouldn't as they weren't bad enough) and I joined a dancing class. It felt good to be taking steps forward to feel better about myself. Boys were finally starting to notice me and not just because they wanted to bully me. I was also doing good at school and I got on well with the teachers and they began to look out for me if people tried to bully me in the classroom. I made some good friends that introduced me to people outside of school and I finally felt like I belonged.


I would like to say that from then on life was great, but I made the mistake of going to a sixth form where everybody knew eachother from comprehensive as they had just continued on and I had moved schools. It was me, my friend, her boyfriend and his friend. I've never been anywhere quite like it, it was so cliqued. Additionally looks were everything and weight was a constant subject within the classroom. My friend was particularly affected by this as she was slightly overweight and the subject of food never seemed to leave the conversation. At the time, although I didn't know it, she having problems in her relationship with her boyfriend. He never wanted to have sex with her and she later told me she was convinced it was because of her weight. I needed little encouragement to be sucked into the topic as I felt so low and the thoughts of weight had always lingered in the back of my mind. Together we were always competing; Who'd eaten the least? Who went to the gym the most? Who did the most excersise? What were our ideals weights? Etc. Etc... I began limiting what I ate dramatically to a 23cal salad for dinner and then eating as little as possible on the night. I'd try to work out as much as I could and I'm ashamed to admit I began searching diet forums. I joined many 'Ana' sites - Anorexia websites aimed mostly at female teenagers. I made many online diet buddys and we'd constantly talk about our days of eating. We would text eachother if we felt we were going to binge and we'd even ring eachother up. I took photos of myself to carry around. I was disgusted I felt so fat and they acted as the push I needed. Added to this, my friend at school became increasingly difficult. She was annoyed I was losing weight and she wasn't. She'd go on about how I had everything so lucky; how I had a great boyfriend, how I was pretty and talented. Other times she'd make bitchy jokes about my clothes and the way I ate. Her boyfriend would often tease me jokingly, but she would take it to a new level until I was at breaking point. Eventually I was determined to leave school and go to college.

I can honestly say that college changed my life. It was such a friendly atmosphere, I made friends within the first week and I completely flourished. I became one of the loudest people in my history class, I made a big group of friends in English and I always had people to hang around with. When I told them I was bullied they couldn't believe it, and it felt good to know I wasn't a freak anymore. The teachers asked to talk to my parents as I was convinced that I was going to fail and they told them that I could easily get the highest grade possible. I was finally starting to believe in myself. I got a job and made good friends in my work station and I was amazed at how nice people could be if you put yourself out there. I finally felt good about myself and began to eat normally. My boyfriend particularly helped as he constantly told me I was beautiful and he encouraged me to eat more. He thought being too skinny was horrible and it was very refreshing to hear.

Gradually I got to a completely healthy weight. I feel confident to talk to new people and things that I would never dreamed of doing I can now do without a moments thought. Of course, I still have days where I feel ugly or fat, but now I understand everbody has bad days. I'd like to share with you one of the photos of my legs which I used in order to starve myself down to a low weight. I've picked my legs as this is where I store most of my weight by far (you would probably throw up if you seen my jutting hip bones and concave stomach in the other one anyway lol). This is very hard for me to do, so please if you're going to leave brutally harsh comments think twice as it has took alot of time to build myself up. When I look it now I'm amazed I thought I was overweight and this could put me off eating for days. Sorry it's the wrong way round, me and computers hmmm haha. I'd just like everybody out there who is conscious of your weight to know that as long as your healthy that's all that matters. Thinning myself down just made me grumpy and it was never enough. I looked terrible and it didn't make me one bit happier... I dont think it would make you any happier either.