He's just not that into you

Word of advice: When people tell you about their problems they actually rarely want your advice.

For example, my friend Ashley who is currently single meets some guy in a club, knows him for about 30mins, swaps numbers and comes out disappointed when he ends up messing her around. "He was so genuinely lovely" she says about a guy she met in a taxi que, "We talked for hours" she says dreamily, only to find out that she is talking about facebook which is hardly the most effective way to find out someones intentions. There was the guy she met on a night out, and after he finally arranged to meet up with her (after cancelling tons of times previously which should have been an indicator), he talked to her for 5 mins and claimed he'd left his mobile upstairs... And then never came back. Now it's a guy she talked to in the que, who mentioned offhandedly that he had bad connection, and so this has excused a message she sent to him asking if he wanted to go on a date (even though he's been online), instant messages where he randomly disappears and then total phasing out. But she just can't let it go, there has to be an explanation and it can't be written off, she needs to know. There was a guy with a girlfriend who'd cheated numerous times but she still thought he'd be a good catch. Finally she settled for a guy who was a friend that she had no sexual attraction to, and wondered why it didn't work out.

If only she played it cool and didn't over analyse everything then it wouldn't be so painful when she gets repreatedly disappointed by people that normal girls would not waste an extra breath on. Of course you're going to get disappointed when a guy on a night out is not interested, but you barely know him so by taking it one step at a time it's not going to be as bad. The friend-turned boyfriend- turn frenemy is supposed living proof that no man will work out for her. I don't believe that's true. I really think you need to know a guy first before you jump into a relationship and invest your emotions, but that means dates and time with a guy you fancy, not converting a friendship into something it can never be.

So, if you're scratching your head wondering how relationships never seem to work out, hunni you may need a wakeup call.
Love<3
Em

Happy as Larry

Ugh I just feel so ill and run down. Jimmy (my reoccuring spot on my chin which tells me to kill people) has now got at least 5 cronies. Ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh.





THINGS STRESSING ME :

(Sorry to start with the bad, but if I list the good things last I will remember them more ;) heh)

* My shitty ass friends. I'm not perfect AT ALL. Nuh-uh. BUT I do not be in a huff for somebody for weeks with no explanation, then leave them snipey comments, but snap out of it one day and act like nothing ever happened. I don't leave them waiting holding my birthday present for 35 minutes and do not even say sorry. I dont keep on walking off in nightclubs because I don't really care if they're there or not, and exchange about 5 words with them all night. I don't cancel on them and become unreachable. I don't have a go at friends because I'm feeling down about myself.

If this was all the same person I'd shit them out like a bad takeaway. Unfortunately this is talking about 4 different people, and I'm not going to even deny I'd rather have shoddy friends than no friends.




* Uni. Firstly, which mofo invented "study groups". For those who have not experienced this delight, the class is split into groups and we are expected to meet up in our own time. Expect nobody to return emails/texts/ or to bother turning up. Basically just pertend you are that poo that wont flush down, it's just THERE to remind you.



* Driving: that's it, I'm going automatic.



* Editing videos: They wont publish on my computer and they crash up on my laptop. Lose/lose. :(



* Parents arguing about sex issues. Yet again.



______________________________



THINGS TO BE HAPPY ABOUT:

* My room is finally tidy! I have space!!!! Yayy

* I love Steven :) he's one of the best things in my life right now.

* I have a very supporting and caring family.

* I have maintained my weight at 9st 2

* I'm starting to at least settle into Uni

* I'm improving at driving, and I at least have the money to learn to drive.

* I dont believe Mam and Dad would ever split up. If they did the little child in me would be very apparent :(

____________________________
CONSTRUCTIVE WAYS TO GET IT SORTED:
* Have a week with no contact from said shoddy friends, before I do anything rash.
* Do not go out for nights out with those who are only interested in replicating sex on the dance floor.
* From now on if a friend is being funny, just swallow it up and dont worry. It's her problem not mine.
* Arrange a study group, if nobody turns up, fuck them. Just write the notes privately.
* Start making vids 71/2 mins long, or change to a photo blog.
* Talk to both parents and try fix things a little.

LOVElove<3

Friends are like trees

How many friends do you have?
Not in the loose sense of the word of people you occasionally chat to, sit next to at work, only see in your studies... I mean the type of people you would spend time with just because, who you could truly trust and who you know you can rely on.

I decided to arrange my full Facebook list into groups (that only I could see!). The first list were people I considered my real friends, the second were people that I could see with time could become real friends if the relationship developed, or people who with a bit of work I could be very good friends with. The third were people who had been really good friends at one point in my life, but now we were distant. The fourth were just people from school/work etc.

It was so eye-opening to see that some of my friends had fell into the second category just because we hadn't seen each other for quite a while, and the how many people had once been so significant in my life and now were barely part of it, other than the occasional 'how are you?'. The most noticable thing though was how many true friends I actually had. They were only a few; about 5/6. We all have friends we only see as part of a group, or not nearly as often as we should who we get on very well with. It's so easy to let things slip. I honestly want you right now to actively think of the people you'd say were great friends... My problem was 'Oh well there's Katie, but in all honesty, we've split ways alot now...... Well there's Kim, but I haven't seen her for years' etc etc. Since they'd been a big part of my life at one time and I know so much about them still, I was still seeing myself as close to them on initial thoughts until I actually thought about it.

I felt so depressed; 5 bloody friends. So I started asking around, searching blogs, reading articles etc just to see, am I the only one? Not at all. They all agreed to have on average between 3-6 close friends with tons more people that were just acquantices, or only 'social friends'. My favourite analogy was the one about trees.

Supposedly friendship is like trees because they are part of of your life in the same way as different parts of the tree are. There's the leaves; these are people who are friends for a little part of your life, but blow away when the wind changes direction. These are your friends you see every day at work to share lunch with, but when you/they change jobs you barely ever see eachother; neighbours, at particular places for example if you both go to the gym together, or see eachother walking dogs. The point is, once this main thing in common changes, the relationship goes kaput.

Next is branches; these are friends that have had a significant part in your life, perhaps for years, or people you once saw alot of and shared many events together with. Falling outs, just generally being busy, losing touch etc and slowly but surely they stop being proper friends and you drift away from eachother.

Then there's the roots, these are the people you could call on for any reason, at any time. You know they are always there for you through thick and thin. The people you could tell your embarrassing stories to, bitch at, have fun with and your shoulder to cry on. These are the people who have had massive influence in your life. Often, these are the people who have been around consistantly for years.

What do you think? How many friends have you got? Do you agree with the tree analogy? Let me know! Love <3

Tagging game

So I got tagged by 'Style is the sixth sense' to put up the 6th photo from your 6th album from your computer.... BUT mine was a photo of myself, and since I'm trying to stay anonymous (particularly after the embarrassing sex story) I had to black out my face. Don't worry, I don't usaually sit and take photos and then think, 'you know, I'm going to block my face out'.... Because that would just be weird....

I tag all you guys to go 6th album 6th photo crazy! Anyone reading this, leave a comment and I'll check it out!

Yesterday, I got my hair highlighted blonde so I want to show it off! I suppose Roz has already seen my hair whilst it's in the hairdressing-glory stage of things, before I've washed it. We had a nice pizza night which was great! My parents are away at the moment so I might ask Steven to sleep...

If your thinking, 'DAMN that girl just did an excersise vid and she isn't washing her hair after!!...' I will wash my hair as I do everyday! I'm not that skanky......yet ;)

Today I've been fairly productive; tidied my room (a bit), did a 'Pump it up!' DVD, wrote some of my essay up. Go me! So yeah, I'm gonna head off now

Loves <3

Agony Aunts

Ok, so my subject today is the use of Agony Aunts. Has anyone ever used them or know of people that use them? Did you or them receive good advice back? If you would/wouldn't, why?

I personally use them in dilemmas if I get alot of corresponding advice from friends. After all, they will have different perspectives from their own experience and also some people may have intentions for offereing certain advice. For example, I want to "break up" (oh yes I'm just that cool...) with a friend, but I don't know whether to tell her straight and give her an explanation, or petter it out to avoid a total eruption on her part.

So my other friend wants me to rip her to pieces for "closure", but I know it's because she doesn't like this friend either, but on the other hand, my brother for example thinks I should just be "unavailable". However, my boyfriend reminds me that as she invites herself to social occasions and usually ends up putting me down in front of everyone when she's my friend, how can I expect her to act when she knows I'm fazing her out of my life. So as you can see, I really need outside advice for my issues! So yep, I used an agony aunt site for an objective piece of advice. I haven't really had much feedback as of yet, so I'll post them on here and hopefully you guys can me some advice which would be MUCH appreciated! With love x

Problem number one:

"I've been friends with a girl, Rebecca, for the past few years. I felt guilty as when we were in school she didn't have many friends because she is so offensive and can be quite controlling. I was basically her only friend, and I invited her along to events etc with my friends so she felt included, as she has quite a bad home life. We ended up getting pretty close until I introduced her to this guy called Jonny.

Anyway, they were dating but did not get on very well and she continually took it out on me. Once she rang me for an hour to complain about him saying it was my fault as he'd been making jokes about having sex with me. This is typical of Jonny's sense of humour but Rebecca is very jealous so it didn't rub well. Also she was becoming increasingly needy of me, jealous if she didn't get to sit next to me at the dinner table if me and my friends went out for meals, or if I talked to anybody else. She even went in a mood when I was dancing iwith my boyfriend on a night out instead of her. I got sick of her talking to me like I was a piece of sh** after too many gos at me.

She aso has massive double standards which got on my nerves. For example, she would make it near impossible for me not to go to an event she wanted me to go to, even if I didn't fancy it, but she'd cancel on me for silly reasons like she was eating her tea so she wasn't coming out full stop. She also started talking to me horribly in front of friends and my boyfriend, which was really embarrassing as they could not comprehend that I would allow anybody to talk to me like that as I'm not that type of person, but I'd always make up excuses. She stood me up for a meal last minute so I finally decided to say something. She completely exploded at me, typically blaming me for everything, and then a week later acted like everything was normal, even inviting herself to my birthday party. I told her straight that I was annoyed, but she just apologised in a way like it was still my fault and acted normal again. Anyway, she has just stood me up again and had a go saying that I haven't bothered with her for the past month, but that's because I haven't seen anyone as I've had tons and tons of exams. She hasnt rang/messaged me either and I did invite her out clubbing so I made more of an effort than her. Now I'm at a dilemma, I basically don't want much to do with her, but should I tell her straight for closure and so she knows as she'll just keep ringing me and asking me out all the time like everything is fine, or should I just hope that eventually she gets the hint?



I don't want to particularly cause more drama but I want her to get the hint. I know she'll just ring and she's been known to randomly come round my house if I've been "busy", and I hate confrontation so I know I'd just end up forgiving her again and being nice, giving her mixed signals. Any ideas? Thanks very much for any help "

Problem number two
"I have been friends with a girl called Ashley since we both began on the same course. We got on really well, so she began inviting me to social occasions.

The thing is, one of her friends Alix who is always invited has taken an instant disliking to me. I tried being over the top nice to her, but she'd be really one worded, and I heard from Ashley that she's really possesive and that she sees me as a threat for some unknown reason. Nothing I have tried has worked to win her over, so now we kind of just ignore eachother which would be fine..... But she leaves me out of conversations by talking about people/things I don't know, she physically walks away if we're out and starts a conversation somewhere else with other people so they leave me to see her, or if we're clubbing she dances somewhere totally differently causing a rift as if "Choose her or me". She tells people that she makes a massive effort with me but I ignore her, and says I give her evil looks which is totally untrue as I still act politely to her but don't go out of my way to talk, and Ashley agrees that it is Alix's problem.

I don't know whether to continue acting normaly and be polite or whether I should avoid all events with Alix in them althogh that's pretty much everyone and just see Ashley by myself. If I do that though I feel horrible telling Ashley explicitly to not invite Alix to stuff and just other people as it makes me look really harsh. Then again if I let Alix know for a fact that I hate her that would make me look bitchy if I go out of my way to be a bitch. I just want an easy life where I don't have to feel judged or left out from Alix which she always tries to do. Help?!"

The end of an era x

Hello everybody :)

It was my last day at work yesterday as the seasons over now. I always feel bad knowing that I won't see people I've grown to like ever again. I got moved to a different Kiosk as well, so I didn't even get to say buy properly either. Maybe I'm reading too much into his bad mood because really nobody wants an unrequited fancy do they?

The last thing he said to me was "Oh Emma wait a minute....Where did you put that cup?" Like not even bye or anything. Everyone else said bye to me, even people I don't talk to as much, so I don't know what horror I committed for such a placid last encounter. I guess that's a chapter that's closed now though. If he seriously wanted to get in touch with me, he knows I have a facebook but I doubt he would (becuase lets face it, nothing looked good about what I just wrote). I feel a bit bad about it really but I'm sure it'll pass in a few days.



Moving on to a bit of girlfriend trouble, I haven't talked to Becca in ages now as she's still not made any contact with me since I said messaged her. I invited her to my birthday and she said 'Are we cool now?', so I said;

"Well, I think you were a bit harsh as I wasn't even avoiding you and you've been talking to me quite nastily, but I still want you to come to my bday because it's not worth fighting over"...

She hasn't talked to me since, even though I know she's been online, and she hasn't bothered to message me back. It's like two days away from my official birthday, and five from my party, so if she decides to message back and come I can imagine it might be a little awkward. I do miss her alot even though she's been quite horrible. She told Jonny (her boyfriend) that I had apparently been ignoring her because I'd accused her of standing me up?! It was totally the other way round but I have a feeling that she thinks it's all my fault full stop.



;') I fell over my excersise bike and twisted my ankle so I hope I can wear heels by Friday. My ankle was killing so much I never even felt the cuts and bruises all down my other leg. I've been limping everywhere which is never a good look, but it hasn't put me off spending the night trying on different dresses with heels. I can't decide between a short flirty dress with a little flowered pattern, a sexy above the knee but skin tight dress from River Island with the lushest embellishement ever, or my LBD with all the back cut out. Decisions, decisions! I'll post pics of them all tomorrow, although the LBD looks crap unless it's on, but I really want your opinions :) x x x

Durham

I might actually be including photos up of me soon - beware! I was forced brutally to do a photoshoot at the beach wearing a purple glittery prom-style dress for my friend Ashley at photography. It was embarrassing as I hate getting my photo taking, but hopefully they turned out ok, and if they did, I'll post a few on here :).

Afterwards, I went to Durham with Steven. The city was beautifully picturesque so we sat at the riverside watching people attempt to canoe and got a Subway sandwich. We went shopping afterwards where I got a cool pair of long earrings and the most massive brooch EVER which I'll show photos of soon when I'm not on my evil laptop. Also we went to the Cathedral which was very impressive although so money grabbing - there was boxes everywhere to donate, to prayer, to enter certain rooms etc. I suppose it does cost a lot to run (£66,000 a week, ouch!) but it was so in your face it was unreal.

Rebecca has tried ringing a few times but I've been "missing" the calls lately.I just feel like I need a few weeks break from her and it'll all be fine again. I know that sounds very bitchy but everything she literally says is a complaint and it's beginning to annoy me, and I don't want to just snap in her face so I think avoiding my problems in the way to go for now!

Everything is amazing with Steven again. The extremes we go through are unreal, but hey we learn to live another day, for now. Hopefully it will last too, he comes round at 7pm so I best be off to revise a little more before he comes. Love Em x

A night out clubbing

I'm feeling the after effects of getting in at 4am - but it was worth it!

Myself, Steven (my boyfriend), Frazer (his friend), Becca (my friend) and Jonny (Stevens friend, and also Becca's boyfriend) were all meant to be having a quiet pub chat but instead we ended clubbing until the place literally closed.

This would be a really long blog so I'll be good and list the events :).

1) We first got in some drinks at Steven's house which Steven paid for even though he's skint. Jonny and Becca were having a domestic, so she surgically attached herself to me (complaining the full time about Jonny, even though I'd already told her to the side I didn't want to get involved). The more quiet Jonny became with Becca, the more louder she'd be nagging, demanding to know who he was texting, what he was doing, what he was thinking etc etc etc etc etc etc etc et fucking cetera. I tried to lighten him up a bit by asking about his tattoo's but he gave a snappy answer back. Meow.

2) Jonny was on the phone to somebody at the bus stop, who Becca assumed was a girl so she began having an indirect go at Jonny through me. This meant she was basically arguing and shouting in my face, which is always fun. Apparently a girl walked past and began talking to Jonny at the bus stop (which I didn't see), so as soon as we get there Becca begins dragging me to the toilets to have another full on freak out. Apparently the girl was all like 'Oh heyyyy Jonny' in a flirtacious tone, and was therefore the "apparent" female on the phone earlier. I asked Steven about this later and apparently it was just a random 40 year old who was a friend of his Mother's, and who'd literally said 'Hi' and 'how are you?'. Even if Jonny had been talking to a girl on the phone, I find it really unlikely she would come all the way to the outside bus stop at Steven's house to literally have a two minute conversation, but there is no reasoning. I am by now contemplating the nearest window to fling myself through.

3) We get into 'Kirks', a bar, and conversation is good and light. Jonny has decided to give up his day job as a mime and finally begins talking after I tease him a bit (please know I'm desperate), and finally he isn't being as grumpy. Frazer has missed a call off his girlfriend, Natalie, who is away on holiday and so clingy she needs to see a therapist...But of course she rings back in the next ten minutes and he spends 45mins outside the bar talking to her on the phone. In this time I notice a mutal friend of mine and Becca's, Fiona, who is out with another girl. Fiona's the biggest flirt in the entire world - she will literally thrust against, dance with, tease and superflirt with anybody, and is the dirtiest dancer ever, but the only thing is she will never go any further than that, so she usually leaves a trail of broken hearts (....or dreams, at least...)

4) We move over to 'Beach' club which has good pumping music and bump straight back into Fiona and her friend again. Frazer comes in late (Natalie had rang him again). He seems a bit pissed off, but impressed with the look of Fiona who he compares to Lady Gaga. Immediately with the sight of boys in our group both Fiona and co. come over to start their usual grinding sexy dance and I'm immediately dragged in. I dance mostly with Steven rather than being used solely as a pawn piece for Fiona. The full group are all dancing now and it's getting really good with alot of laughs :) so by now generally speaking everyone has brightened up.

5) We now move into 'Glitterball', where Natalie has rang Frazer a further two times. Mixed with his intake in alcohol I can still see him eyeing up Fiona (who is actually taken). Becca is complaining about Jonny again so I quickly jump up to dance with Steven. I'm having a great time grinding up against him etc. (he is my boyfriend so I'm deeming that this is fine ;) haha) and can't help but notice how much Jonny is staring. I think Becca notices this and starts to get a bit pissy with me. I start to dance with Fiona and her friend (who keeps on dragging me near her to dance with me) and Frazer jumps at the chance to dance with Fiona. She already has a massive trail of men around her but Frazer doesn't seem to notice. Becca starts moaning at Jonny about Frazer, then to me, then to Frazer and then to Jonny again. Since Becca's annoyed with me though, she begins going on and on about her weight loss down to 7st 12 and asking "oh how's your diet going?" *looking me up and down and smirking*. She also keeps on telling me to shut up and generally having a bit of a dig, but I pretend I don't notice.

6) Frazer is arguing on the phone with Natalie again and turns off his mobile, so she starts ringing Jonny's mobile to pass on the message. She begins ringing Jonny's phone continuously, so eventually Frazer picks up and goes outside again. I'm having a really good time just dancing about although when Steven leaves me to buy another drink I'm sexually harrassed by three different men in the space of 2 minutes. I swear alcohol is just an excuse to get away with their cheap thrills, but hey ho. Frazer comes back in saying he's finished with Natalie and immediately is OTT flirting, trying to get it on with Fiona. As I suspect though, she's not really interested although she enjoys leading him on.

7) The club closes at 3am, Steven get's money out the bank for the taxi home and by the time we've walked to the taxi rank Frazer is already off and away without even saying bye. I suppose though if you have been temporarily dumped by your girlfriend and rejected by a girl crawling all over you, it's starting to look bleak and maybe a hug goodbye isn't at the top of a priorities pile, so I'll let him off. Becca decides she wants a burger in the celebration of her weight loss despite not trying at all, and Steven orders a dirty pizza for us to share.

Overall I'm really pleased to have had a lovely night with Steven, no arguments and realising exactly why I love him. It was great to flirt with him, and I think that's what we needed to be honest. I think the passion was the missing piece- we'd gotten into a routine which was becoming mundane and we weren't bothering to sex it up anymore. I re-read my post about the guy at work and immediately wanted to delete it. I honestly don't know what I was thinking, maybe the bad patch of over a month though was pushing me to extremes as I wasn't happy. I know it's early days but it honestly felt like 'the good times'. Yayyyy :)

Fashion, The Implant and Relationship issues

Only £15 from Primark. I know they're a bit done for now (it rained :@) but I still love them. They're just like the ones in Topshop they're selling for £50 and nearly an exact replicar of the Oasis boots which they're selling for £80. Ooooo yeah.

Also, I got my blood results back today; I'm B+ which means I'm 8% of the population. So much for my Mam's insistence that I have common blood haha.

I have two things I want to talk about: One's a topic I said I'd talk about before, contraception kids! The other is the messy nature of relationships. Sorry in advance for the mammoth essay I will no doubt produce... I suggest to get a cup of tea, some toast and slap on a CD to get comfy ;). So without further ado....

The implant of doooooooooom

I get asked alot about why I chose to get an implant in the first place, and what it was like to get it put in, so I thought I'd share all the gore on here.

Basically, I was having a stomach problem at the time, but in order to treat it my normal pill would be ineffective. I always always use condoms so I could have solely used them, but I'm convinced that I need at least two forms of contraception to avoid getting pregnant which would just be so typical. I know, I know, the chances of one not working is under 1% but I just know that one % would be me, just out of spite. Anyway call me anal/crazy, or both... I went to the doctors to see what else I could use. They gave me the mini pill which worked on a different hormone, so I started using that.

You're not supposed to have periods at all on it, but non-surprisingly in my luck I had a period every day for months on end. I kept on getting told to wait and wait, so I did...for a year. A year I had a period everyday, such irony as the full reason for going on it was to have sex, but I couldn't because of the periods. Anyhoo, eventually after I was getting so dizzy (these bad boy periods were heavy) I was feeling faint all the time, they agreed to use the only final solution, the implant. I must admit, I was very reluctant because of the horror stories of them being put in wrongly, going infected and really hurting just to insert. I begrudingly set an appointment anyway.

I was so scared on appointment day. They make you lie on a table and use a general anaesthetic which I never had before so I was scared I'd have a reaction. Also the whole lying on the table thing was scaring me like "how serious is this?!" so I was clearly like a looney-bin. They then inserted a massive needle into my arm (which I couldn't feel thank god) and then pushed through the implant. It felt more uncomfortable than anything. It's not an experience I'd want to have again, but it wasn't that bad and only a little uncomfortable afterwards.

BUT... I have had more problems! I've put on a stone, broke out in acne on my back and my periods still didn't stop. They put me on the pill alongside the implant to see if it would stop my periods which is has, but my mood swings are unreal with all of those hormones in me. Plus, my spots still haven't cleared up even though I've been using prescribed cream, and also I'm so moody I'm annoying everyone around me. They wont take out my implant either, the cheap bastards as it would be a waste of NHS money....

2's comfort, 4's taking the piss

Ok, so what is the crack that is happening with all the relatioships around me at the moment? Firstly, Jo is getting back with the a-hole boyfriend who cheated on her, but I have cleverly avoided giving a completely true opinion (drop him like an STD) as I don't want shit kicked in my face. I'm quite happy to just be focusing on my own relationship with Steven, but unwittingly, getting together two of our best friends means we are getting sucked into all their drama too.

Becca is a good friend, a little unhinged and controlling, but generally it's all good. She is notorious for being messed around, and so naive that she usually believes that her booty call invitation on a Friday night means he really does see her as girlfriend material. Hello?! One guy wanted sex on demand, which she basically provided, convinced that it would make him want to be serious with her. When you can have all the cream without the responsibility of the tantrums, mood swings and all the shit of a relationship, but get all the benefits... Why would any guy change this? Eventually he got bored and moved on.

So Becca jumped into similar scenario as usual. This time, he could only see her every Friday, but she defended this by saying that "Oh, well it's the same as a relationship" - erm no. There is more to a relationship than a one night get together a week and sex. Relationships are about trust, understanding eachother, love etc. etc. When she hinted to this new guy she wanted the title as his "girlfriend" he told her he was only interested in 'fun'. Becca was gutted, I told her to end it if she wanted something more, but she was sure that if she kept on seeing him every Friday he would change his mind. "It's like we're in a relationship anyway" she kept on insisting. "Yep, but Becca... He must obviously want to be seeing other girls too otherwise he would" but she was having none of it. Eventually, he started getting lazy. She was always ready to jump, but he began stalling off for time (probably to sort out his real girlfriend before he left her to see Becca) or cancelling on Becca completely, being vague about why ("Some shit I need to sort...."). He became really half assed and she was finally starting to accept that there was no future. People like Becca though, they need somebody to fill the gap, they can't just be alone. I racked my brains for somebody, anybody, that would treat her better. I came up with Jonny. He was one of my boyfriends mates, and although completely stupid, would at least treat her right.

They started dating, but Jonny was so nervous around her and basically doesn't have that much to say for himself anyway, Becca felt like she was literally dating herself. So anyway, to fill the silences they ended up talking alot about me and Steven. I can't say I was overly impressed with this because I like my relationships to be quite private and I know she'd been saying personal stuff I'd told her to him, and vice versa. To cut a long story short, he went away in his job in the army for two months, so that cooled the situation, although when he was drunk he kept on mentioning on and on about how he fancied me so Becca was literally going mad. When he came back though, it's been worst than ever.

Both me and Becca was going to a birthday party on the Sunday night, but it also happened to be the time Jonny was coming back home. We were meeting for 7.30pm, so Becca would have had to leave Jonny's house at 6.50pm very latest. Anyway, he wasn't due back until 6pm so that would have made seeing him pretty pointless, but Becca wanted to see him anyway even if it was only for a little while. When she was at work though, Jonny texted saying he wouldn't be back until even later than that so Becca went into a proper mood. She rang me up to have a rant almost blaming me as I introduced them (?) and then said she was getting the 7.03pm bus. I told her I was going to be late so I'd just meet her at the restuarant. Anyway, I was waiting outside the restaurant with Jo who I'd picked up on the way as she was also running late. It slipped past 7.30pm and still no word from anyone else we were meeting so Jo rang and they said that they were still making their way down. They didn't turn up until 8pm as Kat (the usual suspect) was late. Becca stormed up to me looking verrrrrry pissed.

"Where have you been for fucks sake?!"

Jo looked bemused. "Errrmmm waiting here"

"You said you were meeting me! I was waiting like I'd been stood up for ages! I couldn't get through because of my mobile.. I was going to go home when I bumped into these guys because it was just taking the piss" on and on and on. This was the second time that I was getting ranted at by her in one day. I hate confrontation so I just said "I said that I was meeting here". We both knew she didn't have a point so she dropped it and started looking at her menu. Two seconds later, she starts trying to talk to me all nicely. I'm getting fed up by this point so I ignore her and pertend I'm engrossed in the conversation around me. After the meal, we're supposed to be going to the pub, but she storms off to the bus stop. We all decide to just call it a night. Becca gets the bus with me and Kat, so we receive a 20min rant on her relationship with Jonny. I'm pretty much ready to fling myself out the window, so I'm glad when it's my stop.

The next day, Becca sends me a text going 'I'm with Jonny now - finally. Am gonna have a talk'. I dont respond as I dont want to yet again get involved. The day after that she sends me a rant about him on facebook and how he made her cry by not saying anything. She also rings me mobile which I miss, so she rings my house phone to have a go about how I never answered the phone I never heard, and the facebook message she has literally just sent me. She rants about Jonny for another hour.

In this rant though, she mentions that Jonny thinks my boyfriend only ever talks about sex, and the other half of the time he's just boring. I don't know whether she wants a reaction, so I don't give her one, but I'm puzzled why she would mention it. Anyway, Steven rings me going "Have you been saying shit to Becca about Jonny?" (Like I could get a word in edgewise!)

I'm like 'Nope, why?'

"Apparently, Jonny is going to confront you, but that has to stay between you and me, I'm not supposed to say. Have you been saying shit?"

"Noooo. If anything I defend him!"

"What about the prostitute thing?" Ok, I mentioned this before they started going out, so why would it cause shit now?

So now, I'm awaiting an embarrassing confrontation. I'm at my wits end. It's like Becca wants Jonny to argue with Steven, me and Steven to argue and for me to eventually argue with Jonny! I just can't work her out. Any ideas?

Giving Blood

Hello everybody :).

Yesterday I gave blood yayyy so I can feel all proud of myself now. The thing that was stopping me the most was fear of the unexpected so I'll fill you in on all the details!

Me, my sister , B, (who was turning 17 yesterday so finally allowed to do it), my boyfriend Steven, and his friend, Frazer, all went down yesterday. There was a desk at the front of the entrance with an angry looking women who barked to come back later in an appointment time. So after gorging on cakes, sandwiches and drinking lots of fluids like they tell you (what an excuse!) we came back.

First of all we had to fill out our details to make sure our blood was safe and then go into a private room to check through the answers. My boyfriend went first and got rejected as he'd had a tattoo in the past six months and I must admit a secret part of me was hoping I'd fail the little pin prick test to check if your haemoglobin (...or something...) levels were OK. How bad is that?! Finally it was my turn where I got interrogated by four nurses because I'd had a recent blood test but finally I was allowed. The prick itself hurt a little in your finger but it wasn't bad.

Waiting in the Que I really wanted to run out the door - especially when half way through Frazer's giving blood he turned white and his eyes rolled back in his head. He'd fainted before enough blood had been given so he had to have his discarded so all that worry was for nothing too! It was so scary watching it; all the nurses rushed over and made a massive fuss like an episode of E.R or something so I was getting more and more nervous.

"Don't worry, I've given blood sixteen times without problems" the woman in the seat next to me said since I was clearly eyeing up the exit door suspiciously. She did go on to tell me how both her brother and boyfriend fainted too though so I was still nervous. My sister who was already on one of the beds was having problems too as they couldn't find a vein, so it took so long I ended up having mine done before hers.

I had a problem with veins too; apparently both mine and my sisters were so thin it was hard to find a vein that was wider than the needle. The needle only hurt a little, but you can get a general anaesthetic if you don't want to feel it, but I didn't really see the point as you need a needle to put the general anaesthetic in anyway. After that it was fine apart from my blood pressure was so low I set off the alarm tons of time along with my sister. In the end my needle kept on having to get twisted and my sisters needed to be pressed in. I did feel a tiny bit dizzy but not much and all the other nurses bar the first one was lovely, and after she got our blood she was nice too EVENTUALLY haha. We got made to have some juice and a biscuit to get our blood feeling OK again, and even though we were both so exhausted we went to bed at half 8 it felt really good to have given blood. I was on such a high! I would do it again because other than the major nervousness the actual giving blood wasn't even bad.

I feel fine now the day after so I really would recommend it. Even Frazer who fainted wanted to give it another go and he was totally fine after some juice. You have to wait 4 months before you can give it again so it's not for a while now anyway. I'll add some more photos at the bottom to give you an idea of what its like which my sister took. Let me know if I've helped/influenced anyone in making their choice! x

Below: I took this photo this morning... if you look carefully you can see the pink on my wrist even though I got it done last night!

Above: What it looked like after the plaster was taking off - only a tiny pin prick.Above: a delightful photo of the needle in the community centre. The flooring is done for! Hehe.

Baltic and Prostitution...

Hello everybody :).
Sorry that I haven't been online for a while updating, I feel a bit neglectful! But in between my recent working and playing hard I've failed in my attempt to win in the war of the computers with my family. How anyone can spend nine and a half hours on ebay and facebook is beyond me.

My studies have been ok (may as well start with the boring). My English teacher made me do a written timed assignment and I got the best mark in the class, surprisingly as I left 20mins early to go to the dentist. Ok, ok, it was to meet a friend at the train station but I dont think that would have gelled as easily. He said I had "natural talent" and was an "obvious 'A' candidate". I'm not going to lie; it made me feel all fuzzy and happy inside. Probably to the sickening noticeability of everybody else, but hey it rarely happens so I got a little secretly excited!

To equal this out however the rest of my day was very depressing. First of all, someone stood on a pidgeon which had no legs in the Town Centre. Some people think that they're just vermin, but I'm a softie for animals so it was very depressing. It had "please take me home, I'll try not to poo on your bed" eyes. I know my cat would be like NOM in 3 seconds - and it probably had STDs or something. But still. I tried to pick it up to the disgust of everyone else and it tried to bite me. The love was there somewhere though I'm sure.
To brighten the mood we went to the Baltic art gallery which had the most amazing Pop Art theme last time I went. I loved it, so I went along with my friend and of course the subject this time was 'Violence to women'. So this featured:
1) A screening of 'Rape'
2) Loads of videos featuring a womans' body part such as her feet etc. with flies over so it looked like she was dead. This included a zoom in on her "woman areas" for a BIG amount of time. I giggled just to break the silence and was escorted out.
3) A maze where I walked into the glass walls seven times.
4) A jelly woman cut into boxes.
It was horrible to be honest, I guess it presented something which should be highlighted in society, especially as 50% of people actually think it's ok to hit a woman. What is wrong with you people? Nobody should be hitting anyone, but er, ok.

Finally to top of the fun of the day my friend, Kemi, got a phone call from her other friend saying her friends Mum had just died. She'd had a tumour on the brain for years, but obviously she must have been devastated. I trailed back so depressed I ate an entire block of cheese.

Yesterday was alot better; I went drinking with my boyfriend, Steven, his friend Sean and his girlfriend Natalie. The thing I don't get about them is that if you look at them they look so in love. They're really affectionate all the time; he helps her out the car, he buys her drinks and whispers things in her ear. But all the time he's cheating on her with the occasional prositute and she's none the wiser. It's so strange to see how things can be perceived and the reality behind it. Apparently it's ok to cheat if you dont get sex in your own relationship rather than just work out the problems first. But hey ho. I guess you can never take for granted that just because someones in a relationship they're off the market. It was a nice drink but we had to leave early as we got I'D and Natalie had forgot to bring hers. You might be wondering, don't you feel like telling her? I would make Steven lose all his friends if I did as he wasn't supposed to tell me, and to be honest I don't want to get trapped in all the drama. I don't know, I think if anyone should tell her it should be him anyway, and me and Natalie aren't exactly close so I'm not even sure she would believe me.
Hope you are all doing well :), I'll update soon x x x

A broken heart...

I received a call at 10pm whilst lying in bed with my boyfriend the other night. The only people who ever ring is family so I expected it was my Mam asking me a question about the internet, or wondering where I was. It was Jo, so I knew something was wrong as all of my friends are allergic to speaking on the phone (texts are a life saver haha). There was a silence and then a massive sob, "Stephens cheated on me!"

To be honest, I always got a bad vibe off him, he's always seemed a bit weird. You know when you just get a bad feeling? Early into the relationship they split up so he started saying that he was only using her for sex and she meant nothing. She ended up crying hysterically in college only to be going back out with him a week later. He used to be an alcoholic and drug addict, so he's supposed to stay away from all that shit, but he never does. It's hard for people to keep to moderation in those situations anyway so they usually say not to touch it, not that it's ever stopped him. Anyway, this time he cheated on her and didn't have the balls to even tell her - she had to find out from a mutual friend. She's gutted as you would be after dating eachother for a year. I don't know what to do or say though, other than comforting and cliqued stuff. I feel like I should help her feel better in some way, but I know it'll just take time...

The Old Gang...

Because me and my sister are just that cool.

The snow has been a particular factor in my 'become a hermit plan'. It's ok going out with my boyfriend as I can just catapult into his car before I'm too cold, but since I'm too poor to take one driving lesson, nevermind run a car, and the buses are evil, I've been contemplating cancelling plans this week. But as some of you know one of my plans was to go to a meal with some old school friends including two girls, Beth and Cary, who hadn't been out for ages so I begrudingly went.

It was actually a good evening, everybody looked great, the food was great, the talking was great etc.

The only problem is, and please tell me I'm not the only one - does anyone else have friends that talk about their boyfriends as if they have golden poos?

My friend Cary I'm quite sure heavy breathes when the topic of her boyfriend drops into converation. Which is all the time - she is constantly chucking him in there for us to appreciate. Don't get me wrong, I'm not some bitter old cat lady who perves on the neighbours for a good time, I have a great relationship with my guy. I really do love him but unlike Cary I don't suddenly form tourettes which makes me swear out boyfriend topics, and I don't show photos of him in the bath, in his new clothes, kissing me, when he's at college etc and truly believe everyone is finding the conversation rivating. Also, she compared him to the blonde one off Superbad and Juno who I have loved forever and she has now crushed it. Noooo!

I might sound cruel, but I make a point of not talking about boyfriends too much as it really is a bit boring as all you can say is 'Awww' and 'That's nice' otherwise you sound nasty and bitter or too keen - like "Mmmmm he's so dreamy, yeah Cary I know what you mean..... Mmmm" which I doubt would go down so well haha.

I try to look interested at first, but soon I'm distracted looking at her perfectly formed hair, or the man who's chatting up a woman on the other table and I know she's is getting pissy about it. "Oi, Emmmmmaaaaa" she says over dramatically (everything is over dramatic about Cary, which is actually part of her appeal...Most of the time). Hallelujah! A topic change! I jump in "You're hair looks lovely" in the hope she is distracted, and because her hair really is nice and I want to find about how she did it. But alas, poor Yorick - "Reallllly, well I just threw it up, my boyfriend helped me" and it begins again.

Ok, maybe I am a bit of a cat lady. Don't worry about the neighbours though, I don't want to scar myself with the image of them......ergh. I have already heard them too many times through the wall.

A Good Mood

Hello!
I'm in a really good mood today despite that I'm snotting all over as I write. Not just because I'm a bit minging like that but because I have inevitably got the cold my Mam had. I just have to be in the same room as someone ill and I'll have the same thing a week later. Thank god this doesn't seem to happen with STDS otherwise I'd be in trouble haha.

I think having an excuse not to get out of bed is great, and also I got two new items of clothing in the post which I love, love, love! Yep I feel it was necessary to write that three times haha. I will upload them later but my mobile has been sent away today to get unlocked.

Oh guess what, I keep on jinxing myself with whatever I write in this blog. It's very creepy. Whatever I say is not going to happen like, ever, seems to happen a few days after I write it. Some of you might remember a blog or so ago I wrote about some friends that never bother to keep in touch or arrange anything and I was finally giving up. Strangely enough, Kat has arranged for the full group to go to a meal, very unlike her, and Bex is coming along although she usually never bothers. So on this note, gee I don't think I'm going to win the lottery...


I'll let you know if that worked...


Also I got my job back today which I got fired from. I missed a few work shifts because I wasn't told about them so I was fired by letter, yay. Anyway I handed in my uniform last week at the office but my Boss rings me up today saying she never fired me she just wanted to know where I was. The letter said "You have seven days to resign, or we'll take it that you've left and will have to dismiss you permanently". But er, ok. To be fair my work is a place where I'm sure dreams die, but money never comes my way often so probably best I take it back up. To give you an insight into the glamourous world of me I work part time in a "kiosk" which means a glorified mcdonalds that doesn't smell sell chips. I just wrap hot dogs, move pies about, occasionally go on the till, handle abuse from rowdy drunks and generally want to fling myself out of the closest window. Soo, I was wondering, who out there reading this has officially the worst job ever and can make me feel better about mine? Go for it!

Letting Go Of The Old

I'm sure I'm not the only person who hates to lose people they were once so close to. We all have people who were once special to us, but for some reason or other we're lucky if we see them once a year. It happens gradually; you start to see eachother less, you bump into eachother and say you're going to make an effort, but it never happens.

My usual story is that I end up doing all the chasing. For example, I once had a best friend, Cary, a few years back who started to hang around with the 'popular' people. I didn't really mind at first, I was happy that she had extra friends as I had my own too, and I knew we were still tight. After time though she stopped making time for our group of friends and only wanted to hang around with them. I couldn't understand it, surely she could make the time for both of our groups, just as everybody else did? Of course she had the time, but sometimes you can't force something that somebody doesn't want anymore. It hurt to be rejected, I tried talking, trying to make an extra go. It annoyed me that she wouldn't bother for a month and then she'd ring me up as if we'd only talked a few hours ago and she'd ask if I wanted to go out. Cary considered herself too busy to arrange things like meals etc and getting everbody together and thought it was totally fine to expect me to always do it. At first I didn't mind, but as time went by and the texts always started 'I want to go out clubbing, could you invite everybody', it got to the stage where I thought why bother? Looking back I was so desperate for it to work and we had such a good time when she finally came out I just kept on making up for her lack of effort. It wasn't that I didn't have other friends, I had loads of really good caring ones, but just that we used to be so close was enough to make me do all the running. I still get the odd text.

This pattern follows on through a multitude of friendships. Most recently was Beth, a good friend for the past 8 years. She would always complain she was stuck in the house on her blog, and as I hadn't seen her for a while I thought I'd make the effort. We went on a walk and it was really fun, so we arranged to meet up in a few days to go shopping. I was woken up by my phone ringing and a stroppy Bex on the other side.
"Where are you?" She fumed.
I looked at the watch, it was 9am (!) but we weren't meeting until 1pm.
"Errr in bed... Why were are you?" A horrible panic began forming in my stomach.
"Standing outside where we're supposed to be meeting, thanks alot"
I'm sure that we arranged for 1pm, so I tried to make her believe me, and that I could meet her in 30mins and make it up to her. She was obviously very annoyed which I understood, but after alot of apologizing she refused to see me and went home. I tried messaging her online (where she had nicely posted messages to my close friends telling them of how I'd forgot about her and left her there on purpose) to apologize. I tried to invite her out and promised I would be on time and that it was a mistake. Somehow she was always busy with her new friends. After a while it finally dawned on me, there wasn't much more I could do about the situation, she was only a 10 minute walk from home anyway, I had apologised alot more than once, and all the time she was obviously not budging. It was nearly a year ago, and she still hasn't been free to see me, but she never invites me out to things when she does have the money. The only exception was her birthday in which I was given less than a days notice and had no money and I think she still holds it against me.

Today, my friend came into Town just to see me and have dinner with me, and she walked all the way to work with me after our lessons to hand in my uniform, then walked me to the bus stop (which took like 2 hours). I insisted she didn't as I felt pretty sly because so much walking was involved, but she said I was a friend and that she didn't mind because she'd know I'd do it for her. When I think of Beth though, I dont think this would ever happen, although maybe it would have (and did) once upon a time.

My new resolution from now on is that I'm not going to jump through hoops to stay good friends with people if they aren't making any effort back. It's hard to say, and I know I might sound a few sneaky texts just to see how she's doing as I do with all of my friends, but I'm going to stop making all the effort. Ha, I sound like such a loser. I swear I'm not a cat lady - I really do have friends that I see alot! But seriously, if you let people take advantage, sometimes even your closest friends will take the opportunity. Let me know what you think... Anyone else in a similar situation?

Eat the cake already!!

Life is depressing when you are the fattest in your group of friends (by far) and you're a British size 10. What is WRONG with you people? As all of them bar one are dancers, and the other has the best metabolism ever - bitch - I can't help but feeling a bit bad about myself. Just a little.



To be honest, I usually feel totally happy with my weight now , but once upon a time I was the complete opposite. I had always been aware of my weight and as time went by I began to think I was too fat, although now looking back I was a complete rake. I was convinced I weighed much more than I actually did; clothes dropped off me as I was sure that I couldn't fit into the smaller size and I was always breathing in my actually flat stomach. I loathed shopping as it meant seeing how horrible I looked in clothes, I hated my photo being taken in case people laughed, and it didn't help I was always bullied from an early age.



I was horribly shy so I'd never stick up for myself, and I hated talking to new people because I was scared people would laugh at my teeth which were slightly crossed over. They would often call me names and try to intimidate me for a laugh and even when I went to the teachers nothing was ever done. They generally chipped what little confidence I had, and as I moved to another school I felt so shy I made no friends in any of my classes although I did manage to in the other classes. It wasn't long though until a group of bullies became interested in making our friendship groups' lives living hell. Alongside this I became to develop bad acne and was often told it was because I was dirty even though I washed everyday. I felt so disgusting and low. I was too ashamed to tell my parents, I felt that somehow what they said was true and I deserved it.



Things began to look up; I got some medication at the doctors for my spots and a private dentist agreed to fix my teeth (the NHS wouldn't as they weren't bad enough) and I joined a dancing class. It felt good to be taking steps forward to feel better about myself. Boys were finally starting to notice me and not just because they wanted to bully me. I was also doing good at school and I got on well with the teachers and they began to look out for me if people tried to bully me in the classroom. I made some good friends that introduced me to people outside of school and I finally felt like I belonged.


I would like to say that from then on life was great, but I made the mistake of going to a sixth form where everybody knew eachother from comprehensive as they had just continued on and I had moved schools. It was me, my friend, her boyfriend and his friend. I've never been anywhere quite like it, it was so cliqued. Additionally looks were everything and weight was a constant subject within the classroom. My friend was particularly affected by this as she was slightly overweight and the subject of food never seemed to leave the conversation. At the time, although I didn't know it, she having problems in her relationship with her boyfriend. He never wanted to have sex with her and she later told me she was convinced it was because of her weight. I needed little encouragement to be sucked into the topic as I felt so low and the thoughts of weight had always lingered in the back of my mind. Together we were always competing; Who'd eaten the least? Who went to the gym the most? Who did the most excersise? What were our ideals weights? Etc. Etc... I began limiting what I ate dramatically to a 23cal salad for dinner and then eating as little as possible on the night. I'd try to work out as much as I could and I'm ashamed to admit I began searching diet forums. I joined many 'Ana' sites - Anorexia websites aimed mostly at female teenagers. I made many online diet buddys and we'd constantly talk about our days of eating. We would text eachother if we felt we were going to binge and we'd even ring eachother up. I took photos of myself to carry around. I was disgusted I felt so fat and they acted as the push I needed. Added to this, my friend at school became increasingly difficult. She was annoyed I was losing weight and she wasn't. She'd go on about how I had everything so lucky; how I had a great boyfriend, how I was pretty and talented. Other times she'd make bitchy jokes about my clothes and the way I ate. Her boyfriend would often tease me jokingly, but she would take it to a new level until I was at breaking point. Eventually I was determined to leave school and go to college.

I can honestly say that college changed my life. It was such a friendly atmosphere, I made friends within the first week and I completely flourished. I became one of the loudest people in my history class, I made a big group of friends in English and I always had people to hang around with. When I told them I was bullied they couldn't believe it, and it felt good to know I wasn't a freak anymore. The teachers asked to talk to my parents as I was convinced that I was going to fail and they told them that I could easily get the highest grade possible. I was finally starting to believe in myself. I got a job and made good friends in my work station and I was amazed at how nice people could be if you put yourself out there. I finally felt good about myself and began to eat normally. My boyfriend particularly helped as he constantly told me I was beautiful and he encouraged me to eat more. He thought being too skinny was horrible and it was very refreshing to hear.

Gradually I got to a completely healthy weight. I feel confident to talk to new people and things that I would never dreamed of doing I can now do without a moments thought. Of course, I still have days where I feel ugly or fat, but now I understand everbody has bad days. I'd like to share with you one of the photos of my legs which I used in order to starve myself down to a low weight. I've picked my legs as this is where I store most of my weight by far (you would probably throw up if you seen my jutting hip bones and concave stomach in the other one anyway lol). This is very hard for me to do, so please if you're going to leave brutally harsh comments think twice as it has took alot of time to build myself up. When I look it now I'm amazed I thought I was overweight and this could put me off eating for days. Sorry it's the wrong way round, me and computers hmmm haha. I'd just like everybody out there who is conscious of your weight to know that as long as your healthy that's all that matters. Thinning myself down just made me grumpy and it was never enough. I looked terrible and it didn't make me one bit happier... I dont think it would make you any happier either.