Stuck in a rut

Weight is an issue which has been affecting me alot lately. No matter how hard I try I'm failing on a daily basis in my attempt to shed some poundage and it's becoming to annoying. I've managed to keep to the excersise, but as soon as it gets to about 6pm all my "stick to 1200 calories" promises crash and I can't resist temptation. I feel so frustrated and annoyed; it's as simple as just not eating extra but I feel so hungry all the time and have constant cravings.

This might be down to my food choices, I keep thinking "Oh these chips, 144 calories for ten chips that's fine" but of course that wont fill me up and I end up giving up and going for the bulk. I feel totally out of my depth, sickened by my expanding belly and general inability to stay controlled. I feel like throwing up right now I'm getting so fed up, but I know that's a slippy slope to how I was before. I don't want to obsess about my weight like I did, but I'm getting more and more desperate for something that will work for me. I used to run a very successful (and still going strong even though I haven't used it for years) weight loss forum which was aimed at girls like myself who were at a healthy weight, but just wanted to be that little bit skinnier. I know that's just one click away, just to kick myself off again. I also know I'll become obsessive and start taking it to extremes, easily influenced. Argh. I'm swamped by images of girls so thin and seem to be constantly eating out, they make it look so easy.

It doesn't help that everytime I opt for a healthy option I get screamed at by my Mam for costing the household money. For example, I ate my meal downstairs for a change (I usually eat in my room for this very reason) and I had used a handful of brown rice, half a pepper and half a tin of tuna. Keeping in mind, noone in my house likes brown rice and the pepper was ready to throw out as it was nearly rotted through. I was really excited as the whole meal was low in calories and super healthy but my Mam immediately started staring me out. I hate it when people stare when I'm eating and my Mam is fully aware of the problems I have with self image and my unhealthy starving in the past, but she seems to thrive on manipulating it. She especially loves that I've put on so much weight so she can make jibes. Straight off, she started ranting at me about how I eat everything and my Dad had wanted to say something since I kept on eating all the eggs (they're 80 cals so I love them), and how I should contribute and pay for my own food, etc etc, on and on until I just couldn't help but cry and left my food nearly untouched. I stayed in my room all day where my Mam shouted through I was being a total baby and couldn't control myself. I didn't eat for the rest of the day scared Mam would start commenting again. She's been away for the weekend with my Dad so since then in an almost rebellious way I've been eating whatever. Fuck it, she's not here to watch and mock me.

I have such an unsteady relationship with food. When I try to think back, I guess it's a mixture of shyness as a child which turned to criticising myself as I got bullied and then turning this on my eating habits as I started to get criticised for that. My Mam used to make me sit at the table and force me to eat whatever she had made, not letting me leave until I ate it all. If I didn't, I stayed at the table for hours crying until I was eventually allowed to go which was the most often option. I hated the dishes she made, I loathe pasta but her meals were always spag bol or past and mince so I didn't want to force myself to eat something I really didn't like.

"I don't understand why you can't just have a sandwich like everyone else, instead of eating us out of house and home. Your so selfish, we've wanted to say something for weeks. Your so greedy. Why don't you pay for it?" is the general argument spat at me in the most accusing and disgusted voice ever, especially recently. I would love to turn round and punch her straight in her obnoxious face in an imaginary world. Hmmm maybe I don't want to eat a sandwich because we only have white bread, which is unhealthy and that I hate the taste of and 127 calories a slice (!), we only have red meat or cheese which are both high cal and generally sandwiches don't actually fill me. I feel so hurt she uses food against me.

I don't know how to control anything from my relationships with people to food. I'm so annoyed that she's uses my insecurities so grossly and making me totally swing out of control with my weight. I have no idea where to go from here.