Fashion, The Implant and Relationship issues

Only £15 from Primark. I know they're a bit done for now (it rained :@) but I still love them. They're just like the ones in Topshop they're selling for £50 and nearly an exact replicar of the Oasis boots which they're selling for £80. Ooooo yeah.

Also, I got my blood results back today; I'm B+ which means I'm 8% of the population. So much for my Mam's insistence that I have common blood haha.

I have two things I want to talk about: One's a topic I said I'd talk about before, contraception kids! The other is the messy nature of relationships. Sorry in advance for the mammoth essay I will no doubt produce... I suggest to get a cup of tea, some toast and slap on a CD to get comfy ;). So without further ado....

The implant of doooooooooom

I get asked alot about why I chose to get an implant in the first place, and what it was like to get it put in, so I thought I'd share all the gore on here.

Basically, I was having a stomach problem at the time, but in order to treat it my normal pill would be ineffective. I always always use condoms so I could have solely used them, but I'm convinced that I need at least two forms of contraception to avoid getting pregnant which would just be so typical. I know, I know, the chances of one not working is under 1% but I just know that one % would be me, just out of spite. Anyway call me anal/crazy, or both... I went to the doctors to see what else I could use. They gave me the mini pill which worked on a different hormone, so I started using that.

You're not supposed to have periods at all on it, but non-surprisingly in my luck I had a period every day for months on end. I kept on getting told to wait and wait, so I did...for a year. A year I had a period everyday, such irony as the full reason for going on it was to have sex, but I couldn't because of the periods. Anyhoo, eventually after I was getting so dizzy (these bad boy periods were heavy) I was feeling faint all the time, they agreed to use the only final solution, the implant. I must admit, I was very reluctant because of the horror stories of them being put in wrongly, going infected and really hurting just to insert. I begrudingly set an appointment anyway.

I was so scared on appointment day. They make you lie on a table and use a general anaesthetic which I never had before so I was scared I'd have a reaction. Also the whole lying on the table thing was scaring me like "how serious is this?!" so I was clearly like a looney-bin. They then inserted a massive needle into my arm (which I couldn't feel thank god) and then pushed through the implant. It felt more uncomfortable than anything. It's not an experience I'd want to have again, but it wasn't that bad and only a little uncomfortable afterwards.

BUT... I have had more problems! I've put on a stone, broke out in acne on my back and my periods still didn't stop. They put me on the pill alongside the implant to see if it would stop my periods which is has, but my mood swings are unreal with all of those hormones in me. Plus, my spots still haven't cleared up even though I've been using prescribed cream, and also I'm so moody I'm annoying everyone around me. They wont take out my implant either, the cheap bastards as it would be a waste of NHS money....

2's comfort, 4's taking the piss

Ok, so what is the crack that is happening with all the relatioships around me at the moment? Firstly, Jo is getting back with the a-hole boyfriend who cheated on her, but I have cleverly avoided giving a completely true opinion (drop him like an STD) as I don't want shit kicked in my face. I'm quite happy to just be focusing on my own relationship with Steven, but unwittingly, getting together two of our best friends means we are getting sucked into all their drama too.

Becca is a good friend, a little unhinged and controlling, but generally it's all good. She is notorious for being messed around, and so naive that she usually believes that her booty call invitation on a Friday night means he really does see her as girlfriend material. Hello?! One guy wanted sex on demand, which she basically provided, convinced that it would make him want to be serious with her. When you can have all the cream without the responsibility of the tantrums, mood swings and all the shit of a relationship, but get all the benefits... Why would any guy change this? Eventually he got bored and moved on.

So Becca jumped into similar scenario as usual. This time, he could only see her every Friday, but she defended this by saying that "Oh, well it's the same as a relationship" - erm no. There is more to a relationship than a one night get together a week and sex. Relationships are about trust, understanding eachother, love etc. etc. When she hinted to this new guy she wanted the title as his "girlfriend" he told her he was only interested in 'fun'. Becca was gutted, I told her to end it if she wanted something more, but she was sure that if she kept on seeing him every Friday he would change his mind. "It's like we're in a relationship anyway" she kept on insisting. "Yep, but Becca... He must obviously want to be seeing other girls too otherwise he would" but she was having none of it. Eventually, he started getting lazy. She was always ready to jump, but he began stalling off for time (probably to sort out his real girlfriend before he left her to see Becca) or cancelling on Becca completely, being vague about why ("Some shit I need to sort...."). He became really half assed and she was finally starting to accept that there was no future. People like Becca though, they need somebody to fill the gap, they can't just be alone. I racked my brains for somebody, anybody, that would treat her better. I came up with Jonny. He was one of my boyfriends mates, and although completely stupid, would at least treat her right.

They started dating, but Jonny was so nervous around her and basically doesn't have that much to say for himself anyway, Becca felt like she was literally dating herself. So anyway, to fill the silences they ended up talking alot about me and Steven. I can't say I was overly impressed with this because I like my relationships to be quite private and I know she'd been saying personal stuff I'd told her to him, and vice versa. To cut a long story short, he went away in his job in the army for two months, so that cooled the situation, although when he was drunk he kept on mentioning on and on about how he fancied me so Becca was literally going mad. When he came back though, it's been worst than ever.

Both me and Becca was going to a birthday party on the Sunday night, but it also happened to be the time Jonny was coming back home. We were meeting for 7.30pm, so Becca would have had to leave Jonny's house at 6.50pm very latest. Anyway, he wasn't due back until 6pm so that would have made seeing him pretty pointless, but Becca wanted to see him anyway even if it was only for a little while. When she was at work though, Jonny texted saying he wouldn't be back until even later than that so Becca went into a proper mood. She rang me up to have a rant almost blaming me as I introduced them (?) and then said she was getting the 7.03pm bus. I told her I was going to be late so I'd just meet her at the restuarant. Anyway, I was waiting outside the restaurant with Jo who I'd picked up on the way as she was also running late. It slipped past 7.30pm and still no word from anyone else we were meeting so Jo rang and they said that they were still making their way down. They didn't turn up until 8pm as Kat (the usual suspect) was late. Becca stormed up to me looking verrrrrry pissed.

"Where have you been for fucks sake?!"

Jo looked bemused. "Errrmmm waiting here"

"You said you were meeting me! I was waiting like I'd been stood up for ages! I couldn't get through because of my mobile.. I was going to go home when I bumped into these guys because it was just taking the piss" on and on and on. This was the second time that I was getting ranted at by her in one day. I hate confrontation so I just said "I said that I was meeting here". We both knew she didn't have a point so she dropped it and started looking at her menu. Two seconds later, she starts trying to talk to me all nicely. I'm getting fed up by this point so I ignore her and pertend I'm engrossed in the conversation around me. After the meal, we're supposed to be going to the pub, but she storms off to the bus stop. We all decide to just call it a night. Becca gets the bus with me and Kat, so we receive a 20min rant on her relationship with Jonny. I'm pretty much ready to fling myself out the window, so I'm glad when it's my stop.

The next day, Becca sends me a text going 'I'm with Jonny now - finally. Am gonna have a talk'. I dont respond as I dont want to yet again get involved. The day after that she sends me a rant about him on facebook and how he made her cry by not saying anything. She also rings me mobile which I miss, so she rings my house phone to have a go about how I never answered the phone I never heard, and the facebook message she has literally just sent me. She rants about Jonny for another hour.

In this rant though, she mentions that Jonny thinks my boyfriend only ever talks about sex, and the other half of the time he's just boring. I don't know whether she wants a reaction, so I don't give her one, but I'm puzzled why she would mention it. Anyway, Steven rings me going "Have you been saying shit to Becca about Jonny?" (Like I could get a word in edgewise!)

I'm like 'Nope, why?'

"Apparently, Jonny is going to confront you, but that has to stay between you and me, I'm not supposed to say. Have you been saying shit?"

"Noooo. If anything I defend him!"

"What about the prostitute thing?" Ok, I mentioned this before they started going out, so why would it cause shit now?

So now, I'm awaiting an embarrassing confrontation. I'm at my wits end. It's like Becca wants Jonny to argue with Steven, me and Steven to argue and for me to eventually argue with Jonny! I just can't work her out. Any ideas?

Eat the cake already!!

Life is depressing when you are the fattest in your group of friends (by far) and you're a British size 10. What is WRONG with you people? As all of them bar one are dancers, and the other has the best metabolism ever - bitch - I can't help but feeling a bit bad about myself. Just a little.



To be honest, I usually feel totally happy with my weight now , but once upon a time I was the complete opposite. I had always been aware of my weight and as time went by I began to think I was too fat, although now looking back I was a complete rake. I was convinced I weighed much more than I actually did; clothes dropped off me as I was sure that I couldn't fit into the smaller size and I was always breathing in my actually flat stomach. I loathed shopping as it meant seeing how horrible I looked in clothes, I hated my photo being taken in case people laughed, and it didn't help I was always bullied from an early age.



I was horribly shy so I'd never stick up for myself, and I hated talking to new people because I was scared people would laugh at my teeth which were slightly crossed over. They would often call me names and try to intimidate me for a laugh and even when I went to the teachers nothing was ever done. They generally chipped what little confidence I had, and as I moved to another school I felt so shy I made no friends in any of my classes although I did manage to in the other classes. It wasn't long though until a group of bullies became interested in making our friendship groups' lives living hell. Alongside this I became to develop bad acne and was often told it was because I was dirty even though I washed everyday. I felt so disgusting and low. I was too ashamed to tell my parents, I felt that somehow what they said was true and I deserved it.



Things began to look up; I got some medication at the doctors for my spots and a private dentist agreed to fix my teeth (the NHS wouldn't as they weren't bad enough) and I joined a dancing class. It felt good to be taking steps forward to feel better about myself. Boys were finally starting to notice me and not just because they wanted to bully me. I was also doing good at school and I got on well with the teachers and they began to look out for me if people tried to bully me in the classroom. I made some good friends that introduced me to people outside of school and I finally felt like I belonged.


I would like to say that from then on life was great, but I made the mistake of going to a sixth form where everybody knew eachother from comprehensive as they had just continued on and I had moved schools. It was me, my friend, her boyfriend and his friend. I've never been anywhere quite like it, it was so cliqued. Additionally looks were everything and weight was a constant subject within the classroom. My friend was particularly affected by this as she was slightly overweight and the subject of food never seemed to leave the conversation. At the time, although I didn't know it, she having problems in her relationship with her boyfriend. He never wanted to have sex with her and she later told me she was convinced it was because of her weight. I needed little encouragement to be sucked into the topic as I felt so low and the thoughts of weight had always lingered in the back of my mind. Together we were always competing; Who'd eaten the least? Who went to the gym the most? Who did the most excersise? What were our ideals weights? Etc. Etc... I began limiting what I ate dramatically to a 23cal salad for dinner and then eating as little as possible on the night. I'd try to work out as much as I could and I'm ashamed to admit I began searching diet forums. I joined many 'Ana' sites - Anorexia websites aimed mostly at female teenagers. I made many online diet buddys and we'd constantly talk about our days of eating. We would text eachother if we felt we were going to binge and we'd even ring eachother up. I took photos of myself to carry around. I was disgusted I felt so fat and they acted as the push I needed. Added to this, my friend at school became increasingly difficult. She was annoyed I was losing weight and she wasn't. She'd go on about how I had everything so lucky; how I had a great boyfriend, how I was pretty and talented. Other times she'd make bitchy jokes about my clothes and the way I ate. Her boyfriend would often tease me jokingly, but she would take it to a new level until I was at breaking point. Eventually I was determined to leave school and go to college.

I can honestly say that college changed my life. It was such a friendly atmosphere, I made friends within the first week and I completely flourished. I became one of the loudest people in my history class, I made a big group of friends in English and I always had people to hang around with. When I told them I was bullied they couldn't believe it, and it felt good to know I wasn't a freak anymore. The teachers asked to talk to my parents as I was convinced that I was going to fail and they told them that I could easily get the highest grade possible. I was finally starting to believe in myself. I got a job and made good friends in my work station and I was amazed at how nice people could be if you put yourself out there. I finally felt good about myself and began to eat normally. My boyfriend particularly helped as he constantly told me I was beautiful and he encouraged me to eat more. He thought being too skinny was horrible and it was very refreshing to hear.

Gradually I got to a completely healthy weight. I feel confident to talk to new people and things that I would never dreamed of doing I can now do without a moments thought. Of course, I still have days where I feel ugly or fat, but now I understand everbody has bad days. I'd like to share with you one of the photos of my legs which I used in order to starve myself down to a low weight. I've picked my legs as this is where I store most of my weight by far (you would probably throw up if you seen my jutting hip bones and concave stomach in the other one anyway lol). This is very hard for me to do, so please if you're going to leave brutally harsh comments think twice as it has took alot of time to build myself up. When I look it now I'm amazed I thought I was overweight and this could put me off eating for days. Sorry it's the wrong way round, me and computers hmmm haha. I'd just like everybody out there who is conscious of your weight to know that as long as your healthy that's all that matters. Thinning myself down just made me grumpy and it was never enough. I looked terrible and it didn't make me one bit happier... I dont think it would make you any happier either.