Unlucky in lurrrve

Urgh I went out on a night out last night and ended up having a greasy pizza, so I'm going to try make up for it today by having about 400cals. I really don't want to go back up in weight; I felt so shitty when I was larger. If anything I have at least half a stone to go but I wont be drinking for a while so hopefully I'll still keep losing.



Last night was really good although a bit dead for the Monday. Jo and me met my other two friends Ashley and Liz at the train station and we headed up to Sinners to take advantage of the £2 deal doubles they had on. I had the most assholish guy ever who kept on asking for my student ID even though he was serving everyone else students without one :@. Ashley was really nervous as she liked Sean the last time we went out but they were both in relationships, but this time round Ashley was single and Sean pretty much cheats on his girlfriend anyway with prostitutes. (Yep Ashley knows this but somehow this is not phasing her :/). He wouldn't even look at her when he first came in as he needed 'dutch courage' to approach her so I was hassled with the 'oh what should I do' on both sides for the night. Heh, I probably encouraged it because I'm more loyal to Ashley than the other girls feelings and they're relationship in dead in the water. Personally, I wouldn't have touched Sean with a barge pole keeping in mind his prostitution past and I certainly wouldn't have bothered if he had a girlfriend unless he straight out said he would leave her. I spent alot of the night talking to Jonny, my boyfriends friend as he's so hilarious. He was doing the most ridiculous dancing ever in the club, getting complete filthy looks from nearly every guy in there - I was pissing myself ;'). He was a bit drunk and kept on making me kiss him haha. The taxi cost £32 back (robbing bastards!) but it was my last night out for a while so I thought I may as well go all out.

I'll be avoiding facebook for the time being so I don't have to deal with the shit hitting the fan. I feel like this is only going to end in tears; Natalie's if Sean really does dump her, or Ashley if he doesn't. Also they will just be the general constant need to talk about it, she was bad enough when they met and didn't do anything, so god knows what they'll be like now. I'm trolleyed this morning, Steven was annoying me by calling me names which was supposed to be funny, so I was glad to just get out of there and chill at my own place. It's Jo's murder mystery tomorrow wooot so I'm looking forward to that :)
<3

The end of an era x

Hello everybody :)

It was my last day at work yesterday as the seasons over now. I always feel bad knowing that I won't see people I've grown to like ever again. I got moved to a different Kiosk as well, so I didn't even get to say buy properly either. Maybe I'm reading too much into his bad mood because really nobody wants an unrequited fancy do they?

The last thing he said to me was "Oh Emma wait a minute....Where did you put that cup?" Like not even bye or anything. Everyone else said bye to me, even people I don't talk to as much, so I don't know what horror I committed for such a placid last encounter. I guess that's a chapter that's closed now though. If he seriously wanted to get in touch with me, he knows I have a facebook but I doubt he would (becuase lets face it, nothing looked good about what I just wrote). I feel a bit bad about it really but I'm sure it'll pass in a few days.



Moving on to a bit of girlfriend trouble, I haven't talked to Becca in ages now as she's still not made any contact with me since I said messaged her. I invited her to my birthday and she said 'Are we cool now?', so I said;

"Well, I think you were a bit harsh as I wasn't even avoiding you and you've been talking to me quite nastily, but I still want you to come to my bday because it's not worth fighting over"...

She hasn't talked to me since, even though I know she's been online, and she hasn't bothered to message me back. It's like two days away from my official birthday, and five from my party, so if she decides to message back and come I can imagine it might be a little awkward. I do miss her alot even though she's been quite horrible. She told Jonny (her boyfriend) that I had apparently been ignoring her because I'd accused her of standing me up?! It was totally the other way round but I have a feeling that she thinks it's all my fault full stop.



;') I fell over my excersise bike and twisted my ankle so I hope I can wear heels by Friday. My ankle was killing so much I never even felt the cuts and bruises all down my other leg. I've been limping everywhere which is never a good look, but it hasn't put me off spending the night trying on different dresses with heels. I can't decide between a short flirty dress with a little flowered pattern, a sexy above the knee but skin tight dress from River Island with the lushest embellishement ever, or my LBD with all the back cut out. Decisions, decisions! I'll post pics of them all tomorrow, although the LBD looks crap unless it's on, but I really want your opinions :) x x x

Sin

Although it made for cringeworthy reading to see my previous post, I'm actually glad that I have this blog to throw all my raw emotions onto. Embarrassing? Definately. OTT? Perhaps. But necessary? Completely - I feel like I got everything I was feeling out.

Me and Steven talked about splitting up, but we both agreed not to. I really feel like I love him, but sometimes I question 'Am I in love?'. I think a large part of me misses the single life- the not knowing what might happen, who you might meet, that little flirt. At the same time though, I love the trust, companionship, fun, knowing someone so well, sex and the complete familiarity of Steven.

I'm quite anal when it comes to sex; I just couldn't outside a relationship. Not because I'm religious or because I think it's degrading or anything. After all, surely two adults that fancy eachother and understand that it's no strings attached wild sex are entitled to the fun. But that's my problem; I could never seperate sex and my feelings. Also I know I'd feel used, and reflecting on the experience of girlfriends I can't really say it's my cup of tea. It's always the same; the automatic increase in self esteem of being lusted over... Quickly outweighed by the after feeling of being used and having to sleep in the wet patch. I'm yet to meet a girl who has sex and doesn't feel bad afterwards, it would be very refreshing! Maybe it's just my friends with the bad experiences after all? I'd love to hear what those reading this think.

I have something I must admit though. I've been kind of fearing writing it and slightly ashamed, even though I'm hidden in the depths of anonymousity on the internet. There's a guy at work, and he is messing with my head. I have never met in my three years of relationship anybody that I have ever, ever considered as a potential threat to Steven. I actually even hated this guy at first, he was arrogant, clearly the 'popular' type, smart, sporty and damn smug. I rolled my eyes and teased him constantly suggesting all he did was sit in his room eating cornflakes and revising (he actually does shit loads of revision so this was valid). Eventually he became human and we got on pretty well, and now he's always lingering in my thoughts. I don't know if it's just because I know he's leaving soon for Uni and I always feel bad knowing I'll not see people again. I don't know if it's because I'm going through a bad patch in the relationship so I'm subconciously seeing people in a different light. I don't know if after three years with Steven it's refreshing to innocently flirt with someone... Particularly someone who is a complete opposite to the guy I actually go to bed with. I just don't know! I feel ridden with guilt, I'm pushing Steven away almost as if when he gets too close he'll suddenly know I'm lusting over someone else. What is wrong with me, is this normal? There's just too many thoughts running through my head. Maybe it's because I always, always want what I can't have, and since he is moving away soon I most certainly can never have him.

I guess maybe time will tell........

Fashion, The Implant and Relationship issues

Only £15 from Primark. I know they're a bit done for now (it rained :@) but I still love them. They're just like the ones in Topshop they're selling for £50 and nearly an exact replicar of the Oasis boots which they're selling for £80. Ooooo yeah.

Also, I got my blood results back today; I'm B+ which means I'm 8% of the population. So much for my Mam's insistence that I have common blood haha.

I have two things I want to talk about: One's a topic I said I'd talk about before, contraception kids! The other is the messy nature of relationships. Sorry in advance for the mammoth essay I will no doubt produce... I suggest to get a cup of tea, some toast and slap on a CD to get comfy ;). So without further ado....

The implant of doooooooooom

I get asked alot about why I chose to get an implant in the first place, and what it was like to get it put in, so I thought I'd share all the gore on here.

Basically, I was having a stomach problem at the time, but in order to treat it my normal pill would be ineffective. I always always use condoms so I could have solely used them, but I'm convinced that I need at least two forms of contraception to avoid getting pregnant which would just be so typical. I know, I know, the chances of one not working is under 1% but I just know that one % would be me, just out of spite. Anyway call me anal/crazy, or both... I went to the doctors to see what else I could use. They gave me the mini pill which worked on a different hormone, so I started using that.

You're not supposed to have periods at all on it, but non-surprisingly in my luck I had a period every day for months on end. I kept on getting told to wait and wait, so I did...for a year. A year I had a period everyday, such irony as the full reason for going on it was to have sex, but I couldn't because of the periods. Anyhoo, eventually after I was getting so dizzy (these bad boy periods were heavy) I was feeling faint all the time, they agreed to use the only final solution, the implant. I must admit, I was very reluctant because of the horror stories of them being put in wrongly, going infected and really hurting just to insert. I begrudingly set an appointment anyway.

I was so scared on appointment day. They make you lie on a table and use a general anaesthetic which I never had before so I was scared I'd have a reaction. Also the whole lying on the table thing was scaring me like "how serious is this?!" so I was clearly like a looney-bin. They then inserted a massive needle into my arm (which I couldn't feel thank god) and then pushed through the implant. It felt more uncomfortable than anything. It's not an experience I'd want to have again, but it wasn't that bad and only a little uncomfortable afterwards.

BUT... I have had more problems! I've put on a stone, broke out in acne on my back and my periods still didn't stop. They put me on the pill alongside the implant to see if it would stop my periods which is has, but my mood swings are unreal with all of those hormones in me. Plus, my spots still haven't cleared up even though I've been using prescribed cream, and also I'm so moody I'm annoying everyone around me. They wont take out my implant either, the cheap bastards as it would be a waste of NHS money....

2's comfort, 4's taking the piss

Ok, so what is the crack that is happening with all the relatioships around me at the moment? Firstly, Jo is getting back with the a-hole boyfriend who cheated on her, but I have cleverly avoided giving a completely true opinion (drop him like an STD) as I don't want shit kicked in my face. I'm quite happy to just be focusing on my own relationship with Steven, but unwittingly, getting together two of our best friends means we are getting sucked into all their drama too.

Becca is a good friend, a little unhinged and controlling, but generally it's all good. She is notorious for being messed around, and so naive that she usually believes that her booty call invitation on a Friday night means he really does see her as girlfriend material. Hello?! One guy wanted sex on demand, which she basically provided, convinced that it would make him want to be serious with her. When you can have all the cream without the responsibility of the tantrums, mood swings and all the shit of a relationship, but get all the benefits... Why would any guy change this? Eventually he got bored and moved on.

So Becca jumped into similar scenario as usual. This time, he could only see her every Friday, but she defended this by saying that "Oh, well it's the same as a relationship" - erm no. There is more to a relationship than a one night get together a week and sex. Relationships are about trust, understanding eachother, love etc. etc. When she hinted to this new guy she wanted the title as his "girlfriend" he told her he was only interested in 'fun'. Becca was gutted, I told her to end it if she wanted something more, but she was sure that if she kept on seeing him every Friday he would change his mind. "It's like we're in a relationship anyway" she kept on insisting. "Yep, but Becca... He must obviously want to be seeing other girls too otherwise he would" but she was having none of it. Eventually, he started getting lazy. She was always ready to jump, but he began stalling off for time (probably to sort out his real girlfriend before he left her to see Becca) or cancelling on Becca completely, being vague about why ("Some shit I need to sort...."). He became really half assed and she was finally starting to accept that there was no future. People like Becca though, they need somebody to fill the gap, they can't just be alone. I racked my brains for somebody, anybody, that would treat her better. I came up with Jonny. He was one of my boyfriends mates, and although completely stupid, would at least treat her right.

They started dating, but Jonny was so nervous around her and basically doesn't have that much to say for himself anyway, Becca felt like she was literally dating herself. So anyway, to fill the silences they ended up talking alot about me and Steven. I can't say I was overly impressed with this because I like my relationships to be quite private and I know she'd been saying personal stuff I'd told her to him, and vice versa. To cut a long story short, he went away in his job in the army for two months, so that cooled the situation, although when he was drunk he kept on mentioning on and on about how he fancied me so Becca was literally going mad. When he came back though, it's been worst than ever.

Both me and Becca was going to a birthday party on the Sunday night, but it also happened to be the time Jonny was coming back home. We were meeting for 7.30pm, so Becca would have had to leave Jonny's house at 6.50pm very latest. Anyway, he wasn't due back until 6pm so that would have made seeing him pretty pointless, but Becca wanted to see him anyway even if it was only for a little while. When she was at work though, Jonny texted saying he wouldn't be back until even later than that so Becca went into a proper mood. She rang me up to have a rant almost blaming me as I introduced them (?) and then said she was getting the 7.03pm bus. I told her I was going to be late so I'd just meet her at the restuarant. Anyway, I was waiting outside the restaurant with Jo who I'd picked up on the way as she was also running late. It slipped past 7.30pm and still no word from anyone else we were meeting so Jo rang and they said that they were still making their way down. They didn't turn up until 8pm as Kat (the usual suspect) was late. Becca stormed up to me looking verrrrrry pissed.

"Where have you been for fucks sake?!"

Jo looked bemused. "Errrmmm waiting here"

"You said you were meeting me! I was waiting like I'd been stood up for ages! I couldn't get through because of my mobile.. I was going to go home when I bumped into these guys because it was just taking the piss" on and on and on. This was the second time that I was getting ranted at by her in one day. I hate confrontation so I just said "I said that I was meeting here". We both knew she didn't have a point so she dropped it and started looking at her menu. Two seconds later, she starts trying to talk to me all nicely. I'm getting fed up by this point so I ignore her and pertend I'm engrossed in the conversation around me. After the meal, we're supposed to be going to the pub, but she storms off to the bus stop. We all decide to just call it a night. Becca gets the bus with me and Kat, so we receive a 20min rant on her relationship with Jonny. I'm pretty much ready to fling myself out the window, so I'm glad when it's my stop.

The next day, Becca sends me a text going 'I'm with Jonny now - finally. Am gonna have a talk'. I dont respond as I dont want to yet again get involved. The day after that she sends me a rant about him on facebook and how he made her cry by not saying anything. She also rings me mobile which I miss, so she rings my house phone to have a go about how I never answered the phone I never heard, and the facebook message she has literally just sent me. She rants about Jonny for another hour.

In this rant though, she mentions that Jonny thinks my boyfriend only ever talks about sex, and the other half of the time he's just boring. I don't know whether she wants a reaction, so I don't give her one, but I'm puzzled why she would mention it. Anyway, Steven rings me going "Have you been saying shit to Becca about Jonny?" (Like I could get a word in edgewise!)

I'm like 'Nope, why?'

"Apparently, Jonny is going to confront you, but that has to stay between you and me, I'm not supposed to say. Have you been saying shit?"

"Noooo. If anything I defend him!"

"What about the prostitute thing?" Ok, I mentioned this before they started going out, so why would it cause shit now?

So now, I'm awaiting an embarrassing confrontation. I'm at my wits end. It's like Becca wants Jonny to argue with Steven, me and Steven to argue and for me to eventually argue with Jonny! I just can't work her out. Any ideas?

<3

Hiya,
Todays blog is going to be about Valentines day so if you're on the verge of pushing the next happy couple you see down the stairs I suggest you stop reading!

I had a lovely Valentines day with my boyfriend, Steven, although I never expected to as I've been fighting alot with my parents lately and it was really getting me down. I was curling my hair, trying really hard not to cry and he just totally turned my mood around. He'd bought candles to make it seem romantic, ordered out a film, wrote some lovely things in my card, made me a prawn salad and lovely roast meal and we had strawberries to dip into chocolate afterwoulds. Everything was perfect and even though Valentines is so horribly commercialised it made me appreciate how lovely he really is. We also made his Dad a meal too as he's alone this Valentines (sadly his wife died of cancer a few years ago) and I'm really glad we did as it must be so shit for those who have broken hearts. It's so easy to get carried away in your own happiness to appreciate what others are going through.

My biggest worry at the moment is deciding what University to apply for. How miniscule is that in comparison? It's still stressing me out though. I got offers for every course and Uni that I applied to although I didn't think I would. I can't decide between the two; one I felt totally comfortable at, it's a good university and I liked the course (English and History Dual). The other Uni is by far more respectable, I'd be more likely to get a job but I'd have to do a summer course, take on an extra subject as they do their combined subjects in threes (English, History and Politics) and it didn't feel as comfortable. I'm fighting between sense and heart, I know I should give myself the best education, but I did that before with Sixth Form and I hated it. What to do? I'm hoping time will be on my side and make it a more clear decision.

My boyfriend has also decided to apply for University on a Building Surveying course as he was recently made redundant and it's proving literally impossible. He was one year shy of the full qualification of third year, but hopefully the second year will be enough to let him on. He has one university choice, one course, and I can't help but feel jealous of his clear cut decision. I wish I had a time machine to see in the future if I took one route to another, sort of sliding doors style. I've been so stressed I bought a beautiful purple dress (it was in a sale for £12! Yayy) to make me happy and I've been eating so much I've went from being underweight to the brink of overweight. I'm literally two pounds off! How on earth did this happen? I'm going to blame the implant I recently had (ok ok, maybe my cake eating) but I want to get it taken out anyway as it's giving me bad skin and I'm on my periods constantly which is proving difficult in relationship-wise. I'll let you know how that goes.

Oh yes, I got my first follower recently! Thanks so much I feel very happy and honoured, like I've won a good award it means so much to me, it really made my day.. I was thinking that I didn't want to scare them off, but had no idea of knowing what they liked didn't like. I was on somebodys blog and they actually had this ticky-box thing after every blog which said 'More of this' or 'Less of this'. How fab! Could anyone tell me where to find such a tool on blogging? x