Sin

Although it made for cringeworthy reading to see my previous post, I'm actually glad that I have this blog to throw all my raw emotions onto. Embarrassing? Definately. OTT? Perhaps. But necessary? Completely - I feel like I got everything I was feeling out.

Me and Steven talked about splitting up, but we both agreed not to. I really feel like I love him, but sometimes I question 'Am I in love?'. I think a large part of me misses the single life- the not knowing what might happen, who you might meet, that little flirt. At the same time though, I love the trust, companionship, fun, knowing someone so well, sex and the complete familiarity of Steven.

I'm quite anal when it comes to sex; I just couldn't outside a relationship. Not because I'm religious or because I think it's degrading or anything. After all, surely two adults that fancy eachother and understand that it's no strings attached wild sex are entitled to the fun. But that's my problem; I could never seperate sex and my feelings. Also I know I'd feel used, and reflecting on the experience of girlfriends I can't really say it's my cup of tea. It's always the same; the automatic increase in self esteem of being lusted over... Quickly outweighed by the after feeling of being used and having to sleep in the wet patch. I'm yet to meet a girl who has sex and doesn't feel bad afterwards, it would be very refreshing! Maybe it's just my friends with the bad experiences after all? I'd love to hear what those reading this think.

I have something I must admit though. I've been kind of fearing writing it and slightly ashamed, even though I'm hidden in the depths of anonymousity on the internet. There's a guy at work, and he is messing with my head. I have never met in my three years of relationship anybody that I have ever, ever considered as a potential threat to Steven. I actually even hated this guy at first, he was arrogant, clearly the 'popular' type, smart, sporty and damn smug. I rolled my eyes and teased him constantly suggesting all he did was sit in his room eating cornflakes and revising (he actually does shit loads of revision so this was valid). Eventually he became human and we got on pretty well, and now he's always lingering in my thoughts. I don't know if it's just because I know he's leaving soon for Uni and I always feel bad knowing I'll not see people again. I don't know if it's because I'm going through a bad patch in the relationship so I'm subconciously seeing people in a different light. I don't know if after three years with Steven it's refreshing to innocently flirt with someone... Particularly someone who is a complete opposite to the guy I actually go to bed with. I just don't know! I feel ridden with guilt, I'm pushing Steven away almost as if when he gets too close he'll suddenly know I'm lusting over someone else. What is wrong with me, is this normal? There's just too many thoughts running through my head. Maybe it's because I always, always want what I can't have, and since he is moving away soon I most certainly can never have him.

I guess maybe time will tell........

A Good Mood

Hello!
I'm in a really good mood today despite that I'm snotting all over as I write. Not just because I'm a bit minging like that but because I have inevitably got the cold my Mam had. I just have to be in the same room as someone ill and I'll have the same thing a week later. Thank god this doesn't seem to happen with STDS otherwise I'd be in trouble haha.

I think having an excuse not to get out of bed is great, and also I got two new items of clothing in the post which I love, love, love! Yep I feel it was necessary to write that three times haha. I will upload them later but my mobile has been sent away today to get unlocked.

Oh guess what, I keep on jinxing myself with whatever I write in this blog. It's very creepy. Whatever I say is not going to happen like, ever, seems to happen a few days after I write it. Some of you might remember a blog or so ago I wrote about some friends that never bother to keep in touch or arrange anything and I was finally giving up. Strangely enough, Kat has arranged for the full group to go to a meal, very unlike her, and Bex is coming along although she usually never bothers. So on this note, gee I don't think I'm going to win the lottery...


I'll let you know if that worked...


Also I got my job back today which I got fired from. I missed a few work shifts because I wasn't told about them so I was fired by letter, yay. Anyway I handed in my uniform last week at the office but my Boss rings me up today saying she never fired me she just wanted to know where I was. The letter said "You have seven days to resign, or we'll take it that you've left and will have to dismiss you permanently". But er, ok. To be fair my work is a place where I'm sure dreams die, but money never comes my way often so probably best I take it back up. To give you an insight into the glamourous world of me I work part time in a "kiosk" which means a glorified mcdonalds that doesn't smell sell chips. I just wrap hot dogs, move pies about, occasionally go on the till, handle abuse from rowdy drunks and generally want to fling myself out of the closest window. Soo, I was wondering, who out there reading this has officially the worst job ever and can make me feel better about mine? Go for it!