I seriouslllly need to sort out my life. Sorry I've been totally neglecting this blog, if anybody is actually reading it, which I doubt :'). I guess that I can write as freely as I want though if I think that nobody is reading and also it helps to calm me down a bit.
Urgh I swear to god I just need a total life overhall. I have so much going for me but at the same time I alway feel like I'm running to keep up with what everybody else seems to find so easy. Maybe I'm still finding my feet in the world, I don't know. Since I moved to Uni there seems to be an endless array of essays that I'm having to do all last minute because I'm constantly behind with another. It's like I always feel on edge as an essay just seems to spring out of nowhere. I seriosuly need to organise. Speaking of, my room is a total shitty mess which is absoultely no fault but my own, so I'm delibertely inviting a group of friends to my house on the 17th of December so it's at least nice and tidy for Xmas as it's the only way I will actually ever tidy it. I usually face the wall when I'm on the laptop to avoid looking at the mess, so I think it seriously needs to be done :').
Also, my parents aren't getting on very well because my Dad never shows any affection to my Mam and they don't have sex anymore. She just can't understand why, and expects me to question him about why he doesn't love her anymore. My Mam really only sees her driving instructor, one friend who's husband has just died, Dad's side of the family (hers live away) and the people who she works for. So obviosuly she can't be going on about her own situation to someone who's in the grieving process, it's unprofessional to talk about it to her instructor or people she works for and she can't exactly slag off her own husband to his family. So by default that leaves me for her to vent every single problem over. I don't want to be harsh and tell her not to unload all her problems on me, but I feel these are problems too big for me to know the answer to. She's so negative as well, there's always a reason for why she can't take steps towards a solution; I suggest maybe it's an actual physical problem, but she dismisses it. Marriage conselling? Not interested. She seems to think beauty and making an effort with yourself equals attraction and that's it, but you could be the most attractive person in the world and this could happen to anybody. It really annoys me that Dad refuses to talk about problems point blank, and just ends up saying spiteful things to avoid answering her. I feel it's mostly Dad's fault as he refuses to talk like a normal human being so that means she has to talk to me instead. She's literally tried everything but he explodes at her other nothing. I really feel like he has depression but male pride will make sure he doesn't do anything about it until he ends up with nothing. Not that I'm saying she is totally free of blame either; she's way too needy, relies on him for everything and she is constantly complainging. On the other hand, Dad shows more affection for the dog than he does for her, so what does he expect? Her to be dancing up and down like everything is great and dandy? I wish things were all happy, but life is just not like that unfortunately.
My friends have also been a problem area lately... Ashley is in a mood as I don't have as much time to see her. I had to cancel twice on her about 2 months back because last minute work came up which I totally coudln't help, and I did arrange to see her another time, but it's as if she is still holding it against me. For her birthday she was typically ignorant and walked off all over the place as if she didn't give a shit if I was there or not, so as this has happened a few times now I finally made the decision to not bother going on clubbing nights out with her anymore. Now that she keeps on asking me to them I have to constantly make excuses which I guess she is probably picking up on, but I know with Ashley she will never let it lie again if I told her the truth. Her full attitude is also the whole 'can't do this', 'can't do that'. She got accepted to a great university down south but she is so reliant on her family she wouldn't move and gave up the chance. When I invited her to my get together and said I'd provide pizza and drink, you think I'd just told her that I was planning to take a poo on her bed. She was actually scared to come down my house as I have a cat and dog, even though I live in the loft so if Molly my overweight (bless her) dog which is at least 12 years old can get up those stairs, I will personally my my shoes. I know that's harsh but I just feel like negative attitudes really bring me down. She's been totally funny with me lately anyway and I'm not that assed if she comes or not, so I don't know why she's acting like the queen or something. I think she's getting a bit big for her boots thinking she owns our group since we always go out together not and because Jo is currently bumming her. I think the best thing is to have a break from facebook to avoid the constant needy instant messages where she tries to force me into going out with her everytime I'm online. Also she is totally crazy about boys and gets obsessive with them after meeting them for 30mins so alongside her neediness I have to also put up with her 'feel sorry for me' pleas too.
Jo is being really annoying lately too - she has bad self confidence anyway, but since she's started dieting she says she's became aware of how big she's gotten. Every night out is her constantly feeling shit about herself and comparing herself to every person in the room which must be horrible for her, but doing this is a recipe for disaster as you're just going to feel terrible about yourself.
^^ God I just wrote tons there and it just cut it all off and crashes. Sorry I cba to write it all up again so bullet point time :)
* It's hard to lose weight, you can't just change your diet/excersise as I know from bitter experience.
* Rebecca is a fruit loop and I shouldn't expect her to change just because I have alot lately.
Ciao!! :D
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