Would you like a cup of tea, love?

When I write down blogs I try and be as frank as I would be talking to my best friends, and talk about the same stuff that would crop up. Sometimes this might offend people and I'm really not trying to do that, it's just that I think it's nice to have complete honesty. Alot of blogs that I read (and really enjoy) only include a certain part of their life, for example their feelings/fashion outfits/make up reviews etc which is great as you know what you're getting, but I'm always left wondering hmmmm I wonder how they feel about this subject or that.

It's for posts like this that I'm choosing to stay anonymous....... Today I'm going to talk about anal sex. Now this really is not my cup of tea. When I'm in the mood for a bit of sexy time I don't think "go on then love put it in my bum". At the same time I like to try and keep an open mind in every aspect of my life (which is why I'm attending a party which takes place as a soft play area for my friends 19th birthday, and why the next day we're going out in Sunderland under the 'Snog/Marry/Avoid' theme.... cringe haha). So yes I agree to try it. Once. Something to tell the grandkids, eh? Or not.

Well let me tell you, I was influenced into doing it by lovely Steven who is attempting to rationalise the illogical (to me it seemed anyway) and he finally managed to talk me into it. I can only say that it's like if someone inside your digestive system decided you were going to shit out some crisps alongside your normal number, that's what it would have felt like.

Case over.

..................................................................................................

On another note, I'm on day two of Nicky Hambleton-Jones 'Ten Years Younger' plan, so today I get to treat myself to a magazine in return for excercise, and write a list about my likes about myself and fives things I want to change.

Five things I like
* Good skin
* Manageable hair
* My lips
* Body shape
* Determination

Five things I could improve
* Confidence with new people and situations
* Ablility to stick to healthy eating and excercise
* Body confidence
* Not being intimidated
* Being tidier

Kill Me Now

I think I might just start a blog called the 'kill me now' blog, since I'm inecapable of staying out of embarrassing situations.

I lock the door in Steven's room as we are getting down and dirty. All of a sudden the door starts to open to reveal Steven's Dad. HIS DAD. Of all people. Jesus.

"Get out! Get out!" Steven shouts, but it's too late. Too late for any dignity, denial or a chance to escape.

I had locked the door, but not clicked it shut properly so it was locked but not attached to a door.
My. Life. Is. OFFICIALLY. Over.
It will take many years to get over my sad, sad life. So please put me out my misery now. Actually, if any crazy people are reading this not in a literal way thanks haha.

I was convinced by Steven he never saw anything, but as Steven went down the stairs first I heard his brother smirk, "Got caught?". Steven's brother is such an asshole I just knew he'd be dropping obvious hints to embarrass me, and Steven's reaction pretty much confirmed everything.

Up until then I'd been keeping myself together, not even blushing, but I felt so humiliated just then I waited up the stairs until Steven came back up and opened the door again in his room for me. At first he wouldn't leave me alone as unfortunately my inability to stop myself crying always comes to play when I'm embarrassed, but it was only a one or two tears thank god.

Ergh... I hope I can avoid seeing either of them when I leave. But of course, I will bump into both of them.
Hope nothing this embarrassing has happened to you guys lately haha :)
Loves <3 for you all.

Sin

Although it made for cringeworthy reading to see my previous post, I'm actually glad that I have this blog to throw all my raw emotions onto. Embarrassing? Definately. OTT? Perhaps. But necessary? Completely - I feel like I got everything I was feeling out.

Me and Steven talked about splitting up, but we both agreed not to. I really feel like I love him, but sometimes I question 'Am I in love?'. I think a large part of me misses the single life- the not knowing what might happen, who you might meet, that little flirt. At the same time though, I love the trust, companionship, fun, knowing someone so well, sex and the complete familiarity of Steven.

I'm quite anal when it comes to sex; I just couldn't outside a relationship. Not because I'm religious or because I think it's degrading or anything. After all, surely two adults that fancy eachother and understand that it's no strings attached wild sex are entitled to the fun. But that's my problem; I could never seperate sex and my feelings. Also I know I'd feel used, and reflecting on the experience of girlfriends I can't really say it's my cup of tea. It's always the same; the automatic increase in self esteem of being lusted over... Quickly outweighed by the after feeling of being used and having to sleep in the wet patch. I'm yet to meet a girl who has sex and doesn't feel bad afterwards, it would be very refreshing! Maybe it's just my friends with the bad experiences after all? I'd love to hear what those reading this think.

I have something I must admit though. I've been kind of fearing writing it and slightly ashamed, even though I'm hidden in the depths of anonymousity on the internet. There's a guy at work, and he is messing with my head. I have never met in my three years of relationship anybody that I have ever, ever considered as a potential threat to Steven. I actually even hated this guy at first, he was arrogant, clearly the 'popular' type, smart, sporty and damn smug. I rolled my eyes and teased him constantly suggesting all he did was sit in his room eating cornflakes and revising (he actually does shit loads of revision so this was valid). Eventually he became human and we got on pretty well, and now he's always lingering in my thoughts. I don't know if it's just because I know he's leaving soon for Uni and I always feel bad knowing I'll not see people again. I don't know if it's because I'm going through a bad patch in the relationship so I'm subconciously seeing people in a different light. I don't know if after three years with Steven it's refreshing to innocently flirt with someone... Particularly someone who is a complete opposite to the guy I actually go to bed with. I just don't know! I feel ridden with guilt, I'm pushing Steven away almost as if when he gets too close he'll suddenly know I'm lusting over someone else. What is wrong with me, is this normal? There's just too many thoughts running through my head. Maybe it's because I always, always want what I can't have, and since he is moving away soon I most certainly can never have him.

I guess maybe time will tell........