Sunshine

Hello everybody :). It's been a beautiful day today, so I've been revising in the garden which is always nice since it doesn't happen very often!

I went to the doctors today about my anxiety attacks. I feel so glad that I finally went, I've been given some tablets and I'm going to start writing an 'anxiety diary' (she told me to) alongside my normal one. Beware! I'll try not to bore you too much :p.

So, my anxiety today about about 4/10 before my appointment, 8/10 during and after my tablets 3/10. I hate going to the doctors though so I knew that was going to stress me out. My diary's so that I'm supposed to find out what makes me become anxious, evaluate the worst that can happen and then find possible solutions. I'll keep putting a little note at the bottom of my normal blogs but mainly I'll just stick the the random crap I usually petter out :).

Triggers: The doctors
Why stressful: I'm scared they'll laugh or think I'm weird, that I'll stutter, I don't like not knowing the people I'm going to see, I feel like I'm being judged.
Solutions: Rationalise :They're professionals who probably deal with people like my all the time and so unlikely to laugh, I'm just a number in a big work schedule... I can book the same nurses and doctors by request if I feel nervous going to new doctors.

Aha, that actually helped! Really it's not a big deal, but I get so nervous and edgy about these things :(.
Here's a joke for the day to lighten the mood a little:

Did you hear about the guy with five penises?

His pants fit like a glove.

Hahaha, you know you loved it!
x x x

Durham

I might actually be including photos up of me soon - beware! I was forced brutally to do a photoshoot at the beach wearing a purple glittery prom-style dress for my friend Ashley at photography. It was embarrassing as I hate getting my photo taking, but hopefully they turned out ok, and if they did, I'll post a few on here :).

Afterwards, I went to Durham with Steven. The city was beautifully picturesque so we sat at the riverside watching people attempt to canoe and got a Subway sandwich. We went shopping afterwards where I got a cool pair of long earrings and the most massive brooch EVER which I'll show photos of soon when I'm not on my evil laptop. Also we went to the Cathedral which was very impressive although so money grabbing - there was boxes everywhere to donate, to prayer, to enter certain rooms etc. I suppose it does cost a lot to run (£66,000 a week, ouch!) but it was so in your face it was unreal.

Rebecca has tried ringing a few times but I've been "missing" the calls lately.I just feel like I need a few weeks break from her and it'll all be fine again. I know that sounds very bitchy but everything she literally says is a complaint and it's beginning to annoy me, and I don't want to just snap in her face so I think avoiding my problems in the way to go for now!

Everything is amazing with Steven again. The extremes we go through are unreal, but hey we learn to live another day, for now. Hopefully it will last too, he comes round at 7pm so I best be off to revise a little more before he comes. Love Em x

A night out clubbing

I'm feeling the after effects of getting in at 4am - but it was worth it!

Myself, Steven (my boyfriend), Frazer (his friend), Becca (my friend) and Jonny (Stevens friend, and also Becca's boyfriend) were all meant to be having a quiet pub chat but instead we ended clubbing until the place literally closed.

This would be a really long blog so I'll be good and list the events :).

1) We first got in some drinks at Steven's house which Steven paid for even though he's skint. Jonny and Becca were having a domestic, so she surgically attached herself to me (complaining the full time about Jonny, even though I'd already told her to the side I didn't want to get involved). The more quiet Jonny became with Becca, the more louder she'd be nagging, demanding to know who he was texting, what he was doing, what he was thinking etc etc etc etc etc etc etc et fucking cetera. I tried to lighten him up a bit by asking about his tattoo's but he gave a snappy answer back. Meow.

2) Jonny was on the phone to somebody at the bus stop, who Becca assumed was a girl so she began having an indirect go at Jonny through me. This meant she was basically arguing and shouting in my face, which is always fun. Apparently a girl walked past and began talking to Jonny at the bus stop (which I didn't see), so as soon as we get there Becca begins dragging me to the toilets to have another full on freak out. Apparently the girl was all like 'Oh heyyyy Jonny' in a flirtacious tone, and was therefore the "apparent" female on the phone earlier. I asked Steven about this later and apparently it was just a random 40 year old who was a friend of his Mother's, and who'd literally said 'Hi' and 'how are you?'. Even if Jonny had been talking to a girl on the phone, I find it really unlikely she would come all the way to the outside bus stop at Steven's house to literally have a two minute conversation, but there is no reasoning. I am by now contemplating the nearest window to fling myself through.

3) We get into 'Kirks', a bar, and conversation is good and light. Jonny has decided to give up his day job as a mime and finally begins talking after I tease him a bit (please know I'm desperate), and finally he isn't being as grumpy. Frazer has missed a call off his girlfriend, Natalie, who is away on holiday and so clingy she needs to see a therapist...But of course she rings back in the next ten minutes and he spends 45mins outside the bar talking to her on the phone. In this time I notice a mutal friend of mine and Becca's, Fiona, who is out with another girl. Fiona's the biggest flirt in the entire world - she will literally thrust against, dance with, tease and superflirt with anybody, and is the dirtiest dancer ever, but the only thing is she will never go any further than that, so she usually leaves a trail of broken hearts (....or dreams, at least...)

4) We move over to 'Beach' club which has good pumping music and bump straight back into Fiona and her friend again. Frazer comes in late (Natalie had rang him again). He seems a bit pissed off, but impressed with the look of Fiona who he compares to Lady Gaga. Immediately with the sight of boys in our group both Fiona and co. come over to start their usual grinding sexy dance and I'm immediately dragged in. I dance mostly with Steven rather than being used solely as a pawn piece for Fiona. The full group are all dancing now and it's getting really good with alot of laughs :) so by now generally speaking everyone has brightened up.

5) We now move into 'Glitterball', where Natalie has rang Frazer a further two times. Mixed with his intake in alcohol I can still see him eyeing up Fiona (who is actually taken). Becca is complaining about Jonny again so I quickly jump up to dance with Steven. I'm having a great time grinding up against him etc. (he is my boyfriend so I'm deeming that this is fine ;) haha) and can't help but notice how much Jonny is staring. I think Becca notices this and starts to get a bit pissy with me. I start to dance with Fiona and her friend (who keeps on dragging me near her to dance with me) and Frazer jumps at the chance to dance with Fiona. She already has a massive trail of men around her but Frazer doesn't seem to notice. Becca starts moaning at Jonny about Frazer, then to me, then to Frazer and then to Jonny again. Since Becca's annoyed with me though, she begins going on and on about her weight loss down to 7st 12 and asking "oh how's your diet going?" *looking me up and down and smirking*. She also keeps on telling me to shut up and generally having a bit of a dig, but I pretend I don't notice.

6) Frazer is arguing on the phone with Natalie again and turns off his mobile, so she starts ringing Jonny's mobile to pass on the message. She begins ringing Jonny's phone continuously, so eventually Frazer picks up and goes outside again. I'm having a really good time just dancing about although when Steven leaves me to buy another drink I'm sexually harrassed by three different men in the space of 2 minutes. I swear alcohol is just an excuse to get away with their cheap thrills, but hey ho. Frazer comes back in saying he's finished with Natalie and immediately is OTT flirting, trying to get it on with Fiona. As I suspect though, she's not really interested although she enjoys leading him on.

7) The club closes at 3am, Steven get's money out the bank for the taxi home and by the time we've walked to the taxi rank Frazer is already off and away without even saying bye. I suppose though if you have been temporarily dumped by your girlfriend and rejected by a girl crawling all over you, it's starting to look bleak and maybe a hug goodbye isn't at the top of a priorities pile, so I'll let him off. Becca decides she wants a burger in the celebration of her weight loss despite not trying at all, and Steven orders a dirty pizza for us to share.

Overall I'm really pleased to have had a lovely night with Steven, no arguments and realising exactly why I love him. It was great to flirt with him, and I think that's what we needed to be honest. I think the passion was the missing piece- we'd gotten into a routine which was becoming mundane and we weren't bothering to sex it up anymore. I re-read my post about the guy at work and immediately wanted to delete it. I honestly don't know what I was thinking, maybe the bad patch of over a month though was pushing me to extremes as I wasn't happy. I know it's early days but it honestly felt like 'the good times'. Yayyyy :)

Sin

Although it made for cringeworthy reading to see my previous post, I'm actually glad that I have this blog to throw all my raw emotions onto. Embarrassing? Definately. OTT? Perhaps. But necessary? Completely - I feel like I got everything I was feeling out.

Me and Steven talked about splitting up, but we both agreed not to. I really feel like I love him, but sometimes I question 'Am I in love?'. I think a large part of me misses the single life- the not knowing what might happen, who you might meet, that little flirt. At the same time though, I love the trust, companionship, fun, knowing someone so well, sex and the complete familiarity of Steven.

I'm quite anal when it comes to sex; I just couldn't outside a relationship. Not because I'm religious or because I think it's degrading or anything. After all, surely two adults that fancy eachother and understand that it's no strings attached wild sex are entitled to the fun. But that's my problem; I could never seperate sex and my feelings. Also I know I'd feel used, and reflecting on the experience of girlfriends I can't really say it's my cup of tea. It's always the same; the automatic increase in self esteem of being lusted over... Quickly outweighed by the after feeling of being used and having to sleep in the wet patch. I'm yet to meet a girl who has sex and doesn't feel bad afterwards, it would be very refreshing! Maybe it's just my friends with the bad experiences after all? I'd love to hear what those reading this think.

I have something I must admit though. I've been kind of fearing writing it and slightly ashamed, even though I'm hidden in the depths of anonymousity on the internet. There's a guy at work, and he is messing with my head. I have never met in my three years of relationship anybody that I have ever, ever considered as a potential threat to Steven. I actually even hated this guy at first, he was arrogant, clearly the 'popular' type, smart, sporty and damn smug. I rolled my eyes and teased him constantly suggesting all he did was sit in his room eating cornflakes and revising (he actually does shit loads of revision so this was valid). Eventually he became human and we got on pretty well, and now he's always lingering in my thoughts. I don't know if it's just because I know he's leaving soon for Uni and I always feel bad knowing I'll not see people again. I don't know if it's because I'm going through a bad patch in the relationship so I'm subconciously seeing people in a different light. I don't know if after three years with Steven it's refreshing to innocently flirt with someone... Particularly someone who is a complete opposite to the guy I actually go to bed with. I just don't know! I feel ridden with guilt, I'm pushing Steven away almost as if when he gets too close he'll suddenly know I'm lusting over someone else. What is wrong with me, is this normal? There's just too many thoughts running through my head. Maybe it's because I always, always want what I can't have, and since he is moving away soon I most certainly can never have him.

I guess maybe time will tell........

Burnt Toast

I've decided to go for the name 'Burnt Toast' for my blog. 'Life lessons and cheesecake' is just too cheesy and lighthearted for a girl like me.



I know - I'm just not the girl you thought I was..... ;) haha.



Burnt Toast I think is pretty fitting. No matter how hard you try, things can go wrong. But I actually love burnt toast, so sometimes its for the best.

Thanks to everybody who reads this by the way:) it really makes my day! x

Sharp Edges

Steven....
What is happening to us?

I know I pretend that it doesn't bother me when we argue. We drive home in silence.
I want you to hug me - tell me everything is ok and it doesn't matter. I hope that you think no, its not worth the whole night over an argument. But the car pulls in anyway. Every step I hope you call me back like you used to and we'd make friends,but it's different now. I wait until the door closes before I let the tears fall.

I still love you.

Fashion, The Implant and Relationship issues

Only £15 from Primark. I know they're a bit done for now (it rained :@) but I still love them. They're just like the ones in Topshop they're selling for £50 and nearly an exact replicar of the Oasis boots which they're selling for £80. Ooooo yeah.

Also, I got my blood results back today; I'm B+ which means I'm 8% of the population. So much for my Mam's insistence that I have common blood haha.

I have two things I want to talk about: One's a topic I said I'd talk about before, contraception kids! The other is the messy nature of relationships. Sorry in advance for the mammoth essay I will no doubt produce... I suggest to get a cup of tea, some toast and slap on a CD to get comfy ;). So without further ado....

The implant of doooooooooom

I get asked alot about why I chose to get an implant in the first place, and what it was like to get it put in, so I thought I'd share all the gore on here.

Basically, I was having a stomach problem at the time, but in order to treat it my normal pill would be ineffective. I always always use condoms so I could have solely used them, but I'm convinced that I need at least two forms of contraception to avoid getting pregnant which would just be so typical. I know, I know, the chances of one not working is under 1% but I just know that one % would be me, just out of spite. Anyway call me anal/crazy, or both... I went to the doctors to see what else I could use. They gave me the mini pill which worked on a different hormone, so I started using that.

You're not supposed to have periods at all on it, but non-surprisingly in my luck I had a period every day for months on end. I kept on getting told to wait and wait, so I did...for a year. A year I had a period everyday, such irony as the full reason for going on it was to have sex, but I couldn't because of the periods. Anyhoo, eventually after I was getting so dizzy (these bad boy periods were heavy) I was feeling faint all the time, they agreed to use the only final solution, the implant. I must admit, I was very reluctant because of the horror stories of them being put in wrongly, going infected and really hurting just to insert. I begrudingly set an appointment anyway.

I was so scared on appointment day. They make you lie on a table and use a general anaesthetic which I never had before so I was scared I'd have a reaction. Also the whole lying on the table thing was scaring me like "how serious is this?!" so I was clearly like a looney-bin. They then inserted a massive needle into my arm (which I couldn't feel thank god) and then pushed through the implant. It felt more uncomfortable than anything. It's not an experience I'd want to have again, but it wasn't that bad and only a little uncomfortable afterwards.

BUT... I have had more problems! I've put on a stone, broke out in acne on my back and my periods still didn't stop. They put me on the pill alongside the implant to see if it would stop my periods which is has, but my mood swings are unreal with all of those hormones in me. Plus, my spots still haven't cleared up even though I've been using prescribed cream, and also I'm so moody I'm annoying everyone around me. They wont take out my implant either, the cheap bastards as it would be a waste of NHS money....

2's comfort, 4's taking the piss

Ok, so what is the crack that is happening with all the relatioships around me at the moment? Firstly, Jo is getting back with the a-hole boyfriend who cheated on her, but I have cleverly avoided giving a completely true opinion (drop him like an STD) as I don't want shit kicked in my face. I'm quite happy to just be focusing on my own relationship with Steven, but unwittingly, getting together two of our best friends means we are getting sucked into all their drama too.

Becca is a good friend, a little unhinged and controlling, but generally it's all good. She is notorious for being messed around, and so naive that she usually believes that her booty call invitation on a Friday night means he really does see her as girlfriend material. Hello?! One guy wanted sex on demand, which she basically provided, convinced that it would make him want to be serious with her. When you can have all the cream without the responsibility of the tantrums, mood swings and all the shit of a relationship, but get all the benefits... Why would any guy change this? Eventually he got bored and moved on.

So Becca jumped into similar scenario as usual. This time, he could only see her every Friday, but she defended this by saying that "Oh, well it's the same as a relationship" - erm no. There is more to a relationship than a one night get together a week and sex. Relationships are about trust, understanding eachother, love etc. etc. When she hinted to this new guy she wanted the title as his "girlfriend" he told her he was only interested in 'fun'. Becca was gutted, I told her to end it if she wanted something more, but she was sure that if she kept on seeing him every Friday he would change his mind. "It's like we're in a relationship anyway" she kept on insisting. "Yep, but Becca... He must obviously want to be seeing other girls too otherwise he would" but she was having none of it. Eventually, he started getting lazy. She was always ready to jump, but he began stalling off for time (probably to sort out his real girlfriend before he left her to see Becca) or cancelling on Becca completely, being vague about why ("Some shit I need to sort...."). He became really half assed and she was finally starting to accept that there was no future. People like Becca though, they need somebody to fill the gap, they can't just be alone. I racked my brains for somebody, anybody, that would treat her better. I came up with Jonny. He was one of my boyfriends mates, and although completely stupid, would at least treat her right.

They started dating, but Jonny was so nervous around her and basically doesn't have that much to say for himself anyway, Becca felt like she was literally dating herself. So anyway, to fill the silences they ended up talking alot about me and Steven. I can't say I was overly impressed with this because I like my relationships to be quite private and I know she'd been saying personal stuff I'd told her to him, and vice versa. To cut a long story short, he went away in his job in the army for two months, so that cooled the situation, although when he was drunk he kept on mentioning on and on about how he fancied me so Becca was literally going mad. When he came back though, it's been worst than ever.

Both me and Becca was going to a birthday party on the Sunday night, but it also happened to be the time Jonny was coming back home. We were meeting for 7.30pm, so Becca would have had to leave Jonny's house at 6.50pm very latest. Anyway, he wasn't due back until 6pm so that would have made seeing him pretty pointless, but Becca wanted to see him anyway even if it was only for a little while. When she was at work though, Jonny texted saying he wouldn't be back until even later than that so Becca went into a proper mood. She rang me up to have a rant almost blaming me as I introduced them (?) and then said she was getting the 7.03pm bus. I told her I was going to be late so I'd just meet her at the restuarant. Anyway, I was waiting outside the restaurant with Jo who I'd picked up on the way as she was also running late. It slipped past 7.30pm and still no word from anyone else we were meeting so Jo rang and they said that they were still making their way down. They didn't turn up until 8pm as Kat (the usual suspect) was late. Becca stormed up to me looking verrrrrry pissed.

"Where have you been for fucks sake?!"

Jo looked bemused. "Errrmmm waiting here"

"You said you were meeting me! I was waiting like I'd been stood up for ages! I couldn't get through because of my mobile.. I was going to go home when I bumped into these guys because it was just taking the piss" on and on and on. This was the second time that I was getting ranted at by her in one day. I hate confrontation so I just said "I said that I was meeting here". We both knew she didn't have a point so she dropped it and started looking at her menu. Two seconds later, she starts trying to talk to me all nicely. I'm getting fed up by this point so I ignore her and pertend I'm engrossed in the conversation around me. After the meal, we're supposed to be going to the pub, but she storms off to the bus stop. We all decide to just call it a night. Becca gets the bus with me and Kat, so we receive a 20min rant on her relationship with Jonny. I'm pretty much ready to fling myself out the window, so I'm glad when it's my stop.

The next day, Becca sends me a text going 'I'm with Jonny now - finally. Am gonna have a talk'. I dont respond as I dont want to yet again get involved. The day after that she sends me a rant about him on facebook and how he made her cry by not saying anything. She also rings me mobile which I miss, so she rings my house phone to have a go about how I never answered the phone I never heard, and the facebook message she has literally just sent me. She rants about Jonny for another hour.

In this rant though, she mentions that Jonny thinks my boyfriend only ever talks about sex, and the other half of the time he's just boring. I don't know whether she wants a reaction, so I don't give her one, but I'm puzzled why she would mention it. Anyway, Steven rings me going "Have you been saying shit to Becca about Jonny?" (Like I could get a word in edgewise!)

I'm like 'Nope, why?'

"Apparently, Jonny is going to confront you, but that has to stay between you and me, I'm not supposed to say. Have you been saying shit?"

"Noooo. If anything I defend him!"

"What about the prostitute thing?" Ok, I mentioned this before they started going out, so why would it cause shit now?

So now, I'm awaiting an embarrassing confrontation. I'm at my wits end. It's like Becca wants Jonny to argue with Steven, me and Steven to argue and for me to eventually argue with Jonny! I just can't work her out. Any ideas?