Falling at the last hurdle

Aaaah I'm incapable of keeping weight off for long :(. Feel really fat and shitty about myself again, but if I've lost weight once I can lose it again so I'll just have to stop eating my weight in cake which might help a bit ;). Every outing with my friends revolves around food and/or drinking, but I think I'm going to start asking if they want to come out during the day instead maybe for beach outings and whatever so I can be torn away from temptation.

Yesterday it was my friends leaving do as she's going away to Uni in Sheffield, but some of her other friends were there and it was a little awkward. At least I put in an appearance though which is the main thing. I've finally sorted University as well which is making the holidays alot less stressful although I'm quite worried about Steven's birthday and forking out money :(. I also can't afford my bus pass yet so I'm having to get the really expensive day tickets urgh. On the bright side I have a trial run for a restaurant on Saturday so I will let you know how it goes :).

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Ugh I just feel so disgusting at the moment. As you guys know I've been dieting and have got my weight down to 9st2 but I'm just eating like such a pig I'm bound to put weight on soon again.

The day started out really well; I had a tin of sweetcorn (200 cals) and then for tea I had 2 slices of eggy bread (500 cals), then took my dog for a walk to make sure I was burning a bit of fat. Then, I had some disgusting binge and ate a bowl of rice pudding, pineapple and custard. Fuck it. I helped myself to two toasted bacon cheese sandwiches. I'm such a failure and I feel so gross. The tiny little thought to just throw it up crossed my mind but I can't stand the idea. I'm hoping to death that I can survive a fast tomorrow which I've never done.

Wish me luck

Unlucky in lurrrve

Urgh I went out on a night out last night and ended up having a greasy pizza, so I'm going to try make up for it today by having about 400cals. I really don't want to go back up in weight; I felt so shitty when I was larger. If anything I have at least half a stone to go but I wont be drinking for a while so hopefully I'll still keep losing.



Last night was really good although a bit dead for the Monday. Jo and me met my other two friends Ashley and Liz at the train station and we headed up to Sinners to take advantage of the £2 deal doubles they had on. I had the most assholish guy ever who kept on asking for my student ID even though he was serving everyone else students without one :@. Ashley was really nervous as she liked Sean the last time we went out but they were both in relationships, but this time round Ashley was single and Sean pretty much cheats on his girlfriend anyway with prostitutes. (Yep Ashley knows this but somehow this is not phasing her :/). He wouldn't even look at her when he first came in as he needed 'dutch courage' to approach her so I was hassled with the 'oh what should I do' on both sides for the night. Heh, I probably encouraged it because I'm more loyal to Ashley than the other girls feelings and they're relationship in dead in the water. Personally, I wouldn't have touched Sean with a barge pole keeping in mind his prostitution past and I certainly wouldn't have bothered if he had a girlfriend unless he straight out said he would leave her. I spent alot of the night talking to Jonny, my boyfriends friend as he's so hilarious. He was doing the most ridiculous dancing ever in the club, getting complete filthy looks from nearly every guy in there - I was pissing myself ;'). He was a bit drunk and kept on making me kiss him haha. The taxi cost £32 back (robbing bastards!) but it was my last night out for a while so I thought I may as well go all out.

I'll be avoiding facebook for the time being so I don't have to deal with the shit hitting the fan. I feel like this is only going to end in tears; Natalie's if Sean really does dump her, or Ashley if he doesn't. Also they will just be the general constant need to talk about it, she was bad enough when they met and didn't do anything, so god knows what they'll be like now. I'm trolleyed this morning, Steven was annoying me by calling me names which was supposed to be funny, so I was glad to just get out of there and chill at my own place. It's Jo's murder mystery tomorrow wooot so I'm looking forward to that :)
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To speak or not to speak?

Ok guys, I'm not at 9st 3.4 so I'm at least not gaining at the moment! I hope that it stays off as I've been ill for the past week and had lost my appetite anyway. I'm hoping that it'll start hitting the higher ends of 8st with a bit of perseverance. I'd be totally ecstatic!

Anyway, I was watching episodes of 'The City' tonight. I love Whitney Port (the main person the cameras follow) and her full attitude to life. She just doesn't let those who are being snippy at her see they're affecting her, and rather than bite back she just swallows it up and lets them make a show of themselves to the public. Obviously we as viewers see the way that these other people have treat her and by not retaliating no bad shit rubs off on her, and we are left just judging those horrible people in the first place. For example, Olivia (somebody who works alongside Whitney in her job in fashion) took the credit for an outfit that Whitney had personally put together. Olivia got tons of credit for this whilst Whitney kept quiet to avoid creating waves at work, but obviously she never got away with this as the camera tells the truth.

But does this approach work in real life? After all, if somebody is taking us for a ride there's no public outcry and filming which says otherwise for us. That person is left to go on with the 'upper hand' of getting what they wanted whilst the person who didn't bite back gets trampled on. Sometimes I think "I'll say nothing and be the bigger person rather than cause drama", but the other side says "Why should I let *whoever* get away with this?!" What experiences do you gus share on this issue? What are you opinions?

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Stuck in a rut

Weight is an issue which has been affecting me alot lately. No matter how hard I try I'm failing on a daily basis in my attempt to shed some poundage and it's becoming to annoying. I've managed to keep to the excersise, but as soon as it gets to about 6pm all my "stick to 1200 calories" promises crash and I can't resist temptation. I feel so frustrated and annoyed; it's as simple as just not eating extra but I feel so hungry all the time and have constant cravings.

This might be down to my food choices, I keep thinking "Oh these chips, 144 calories for ten chips that's fine" but of course that wont fill me up and I end up giving up and going for the bulk. I feel totally out of my depth, sickened by my expanding belly and general inability to stay controlled. I feel like throwing up right now I'm getting so fed up, but I know that's a slippy slope to how I was before. I don't want to obsess about my weight like I did, but I'm getting more and more desperate for something that will work for me. I used to run a very successful (and still going strong even though I haven't used it for years) weight loss forum which was aimed at girls like myself who were at a healthy weight, but just wanted to be that little bit skinnier. I know that's just one click away, just to kick myself off again. I also know I'll become obsessive and start taking it to extremes, easily influenced. Argh. I'm swamped by images of girls so thin and seem to be constantly eating out, they make it look so easy.

It doesn't help that everytime I opt for a healthy option I get screamed at by my Mam for costing the household money. For example, I ate my meal downstairs for a change (I usually eat in my room for this very reason) and I had used a handful of brown rice, half a pepper and half a tin of tuna. Keeping in mind, noone in my house likes brown rice and the pepper was ready to throw out as it was nearly rotted through. I was really excited as the whole meal was low in calories and super healthy but my Mam immediately started staring me out. I hate it when people stare when I'm eating and my Mam is fully aware of the problems I have with self image and my unhealthy starving in the past, but she seems to thrive on manipulating it. She especially loves that I've put on so much weight so she can make jibes. Straight off, she started ranting at me about how I eat everything and my Dad had wanted to say something since I kept on eating all the eggs (they're 80 cals so I love them), and how I should contribute and pay for my own food, etc etc, on and on until I just couldn't help but cry and left my food nearly untouched. I stayed in my room all day where my Mam shouted through I was being a total baby and couldn't control myself. I didn't eat for the rest of the day scared Mam would start commenting again. She's been away for the weekend with my Dad so since then in an almost rebellious way I've been eating whatever. Fuck it, she's not here to watch and mock me.

I have such an unsteady relationship with food. When I try to think back, I guess it's a mixture of shyness as a child which turned to criticising myself as I got bullied and then turning this on my eating habits as I started to get criticised for that. My Mam used to make me sit at the table and force me to eat whatever she had made, not letting me leave until I ate it all. If I didn't, I stayed at the table for hours crying until I was eventually allowed to go which was the most often option. I hated the dishes she made, I loathe pasta but her meals were always spag bol or past and mince so I didn't want to force myself to eat something I really didn't like.

"I don't understand why you can't just have a sandwich like everyone else, instead of eating us out of house and home. Your so selfish, we've wanted to say something for weeks. Your so greedy. Why don't you pay for it?" is the general argument spat at me in the most accusing and disgusted voice ever, especially recently. I would love to turn round and punch her straight in her obnoxious face in an imaginary world. Hmmm maybe I don't want to eat a sandwich because we only have white bread, which is unhealthy and that I hate the taste of and 127 calories a slice (!), we only have red meat or cheese which are both high cal and generally sandwiches don't actually fill me. I feel so hurt she uses food against me.

I don't know how to control anything from my relationships with people to food. I'm so annoyed that she's uses my insecurities so grossly and making me totally swing out of control with my weight. I have no idea where to go from here.

You Are What You Eat

I've had a revelation! Well, sort of.

My normal weight without dieting etc. had always been 8 st 5 until I changed my contraceptive pill (for medical reasons) which made me a constant of 9st 3. I was a little bothered by it but lack of motivation etc. I ended up accepting it. Anyway, about three times a week at least I make a special effort to see one friend each (then usually do a group thing for the weekend) but because I'm on such a budget I've just been going to the same pizza place. I know, I know... Pizza is bad three times a week but at £3 it's all I could afford *shifty look*. Places like Nandos that sell stuff like chicken and salads usually work out to be £12 at least which is a distant dream for me haha. Before I knew it my weight had crept up to 9st 8 - I was gutted - because of my height of 5"2 this is basically making me borderline overweight. Just knowing that this is so much larger than what I should be made me feel so guilty. My former self a few years back would never ever have let me get like this. It's been two weeks and I've managed to get back down to 9st 3, but now I'm going to try go the full hog and back down to 8st5.

For inspiration I've bought the You Are What you Eat books but before I've always been put off by price of ingrediants and the thought they will taste like absolute crap and a waste of money. But in my new mindset I brutally forced myself to try them. They were amazing!!! I was so surprised something so healthy could taste so, so good. I made a Sweet Potatoe Soup for starters and for main I made chicken with coriander, spinach, ginger, garlic, mushroom and beansprouts. I was so surprised it's really inspired me to really try to eat like this all the time (so the plan goes for now...there's still a pizza in the fridge...). I've managed to stick to it so far today although it's before dinner time so I haven't really been tested just yet. I've already had porridge, I'm going to attempt poached eggs and spinach for dinner and for tea I might make the soup again so the ingrediants don't go to waste.

Wish me luck!